Raw Thoughts

Okay.. so its 5 am here.. I've been off work since midnight.. watched both full episodes of the Bachelorette.. (BTW.. my pick is Roberto... mmm hmmm) There's another hot one... but I can't take his voice..its just too... I dunno..) Anyhow, I was laying down, getting ready to sleep.. but have all these thoughts in my head.. so I'm just gonna babble..
I find myself, each night, clinging to a blanket I bought (like a throw) when I was in SC. Its just an average throw.. one I bought for the plane rides.. but.. I find myself holding on to it at night as if it were my "blanky." Sounds odd? Yea.. tell me about it. I think the last time I clang to something was when I was 7 and had a teddybear.
It gives me a sense of closeness.. or comfort.. to what - I have no clue.. I know.. crazy.. In a sense, it makes me feel as if I am clinging to my kids, or my mom.. even tho I bought it after I left home.. Its really weird, but it made me realize how totally alone I feel here.
Its sad... but don't worry, this isn't a pity party, its simply me, getting stuff out of my head..
I am not so sure that separating me from my battle buddies (especially the ones that were heading to my same FOB (forward operating base) was a smart idea. Yes, I needed the training, and I am glad for the opportunity, it will allow me to do a better job - BUT - I'm not sure its worth the mental/emotional strain...
It may not seem like it... but its definitely putting a strain on me. I am usually a "glass half full" type of person.. and can say things like.. "Its hot.. but could be worse.. we could be at the front gate in full battle rattle..rather than in an office with A/C." or "it could be worse" - Don't get me wrong, I will bitch with the best of them when I am tired, hot or hungry/grumpy - but..since i have been here... in training in SC/Kuwait - I have noticed I have been better about the bitchin and always making people see that we could have it worse.. HOWEVER, that being said.. I can feel it getting to me..
The loneliness.. feeling secluded from EVERYONE.. not just family.. or friends.. but my new friends.. and in a completely FOREIGN place (pun intended) and feeling very much ALONE. I am confined to my work.. or my rack - for the most part.. even when I am off.. its late in the night.. and there is nothing to do besides be on the computer and watch TV/Movies.. and to be honest.. it kinda sucks!! I've only been here 5 days, and I kinda feel like I want to cry.. okay.. so I do feel like I want to cry.. I know.. sounds girlie of me.. really not trying to sound like a wimpy bitcher.. but - these are my thoughts.. my feelings..
I am just ready to get there.. to be around people that I have already connected with and connect with new people that i will spend the next 12 months with.. form the friendships.. have people to talk to (not just on the puter..or IM)
I know.. I can call my family and friends.. whenever I want.. but its not about that..
Its about being thrown from one huge change to another.. leaving your family.. creating new bonds and then being stripped of that (even if only for a week) - making me feel quite alone.
I am a social butterfly.. so, I usually make friends fairly quick.. I know.. whoda thought? me.. a social butterfly?? yes.. I will admit it.. BUT here.. its not that easy.. everyone here in my barracks are all transients. And to be honest.. the only time I see any of the girls here in my barracks.. are when they are transiting to the head!! LOL
I am trying to stay positive.. and know that its only a few more days til I get in theater..
and telling myself it could be much worse.. believe me.. I am grateful I do not have it as bad as others.. but - it the mind.. in the heart.. it still hits ya.. and thats where I am at..
I can't sleep, all these thoughts are whirling around in my head.. and I keep trying to tell myself all the positives... I make jokes in my blogs.. I even poke fun at myself for stupid idiocincracies.. (sp??) - but in the end.. I still laydown at night, hugging the blanket, wishing I weren't feeling quite so alone over here..
The LTC that runs this place has been gone the whole time.. my boss in Afghan doesn't email to check on me.. I have to initiate contact with him ( and have done so, every step of my journey.. just to keep him in the loop..) and it just leaves me feeling kinda as if I am being fed to the wolves.. Now, don't get me wrong... I am a grown ass woman, and I can make my way around, and figure out what I need to do.. I don't need to be hand fed.. but it doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice if he would just check on me.. while I am here, alone, without my battle buddies.. in a country I have NEVER been - something to learn from.. I will learn from that, in case I am ever in that situation, on the reverse side.. I will remember how lonely I felt, and ensure that I do my part in "keeping up" with whomever it might be..
This is a terrifying place.. not Kuwait itself, but this area, this war.. there is Never really a GREEN zone. Over here.. it is all fair game. We are in a war time, and if you feel like you are safe becuase this is supposidly a "green zone" then you are complacent and should not be here.. Even on my trip here from Camp Virginia.. I was watchin out the windows on the freeways looking for IEDs.. Pressure Plates.. anything unusual.. This is a scary damn Area, period.
Alright.. I think I have said enough for now.. Im tired.. I really do need to get some sleep, hopefully I can now.