Friday, January 21, 2011

18 Jan 11 - Moms will always know....

18 Jan 11

So, I just got off the phone with my mom again...
This time we spent a little over an hour..again on the phone.
It makes me homesick...
I miss her..I miss my parents...the kids...
I miss a normal daily routine life, that does not include carrying a 9mm everywhere I go,
That does not include, wondering the same confines of this compound, or others like it..
I miss seeing colors..lol
I know..that sounds extremely corny..but it's true.
What we see here is like being on the ship...where you only see shades of gray..
Atleast on a ship, about once a month you get a taste of civilization..
Here, we don't get that, no matter where you travel to in this country, it's the same
Desolate, underprivileged, clay block homes, that probably do not have electricity, and do not have running water..
Ha! And I wonder why my 3G doesn't work here..lol
Global, doesn't really mean global guys...just so you know...lol
It means...anywhere in the world that actually has electricity, running water, indoor bathrooms, and oh...phone lines, Internet connectivity that is not based on
Dial up...lol
Remember the old AOL dialup..the sound..lol
That's what this reminds me of...
I think ours is actually wireless here..ok .. It is...on our compound..
But definitely not a big wireless network..and one I'm sure the military paid a great deal to have..
Lol
We..on the other hand..are soo spoiled at home.. You would laugh at this connectivity and roll harder when you hear it was costing $70 a month..lol
But hey!!! Its better than nothing..
I can not imagine doing this 20 years ago, when there was only Snail Mail..
Could you? Seriously...technology has come so far..going backwards is so strange..
Anyhow, I am on the countdown to Germany..followed by Boston... And really truly..can not wait..
I am definitely getting short timers as well..
I have revamped the way we do our business in my office...so much so that I worked myself out of a job..
My MSgt as well as the rest of the crew have it down...and do not let me do any of the work..
I am lucky to be able to answer an email here or there..a d since I am not traveling right now..am literally bored out of my mind, and feel useless..
It's driving me crazy!!!
I have always been a busy body...by that I mean...I have to stay busy..come on people..be nice..
I like to be busy, I feel like I am not wasting time that way..
So now, I am spending a lot more time in the gym... A lot more time...
I weighed in yesterday and am pleased to say I have lost 17 lbs since being here...
My goal was about 25, but I am feeling quite comfortable in my skin right now and that is always a good thing for someone like me
Who spent many many years insecure..
I have been running more than 100 plus miles a month...
I'm sure that is helping! I participate in al.l the holiday 5Ks we have as well..
Y'know..building that whole comradery thing...;)
Yes.. It actually works.. It's nice..
I am making a couple more visits to do some training for Another unit...but they are just across the street, so it's no
Big traveling..especially not this close to me leaving for Germany soon..
I have been talking with Geo a lot lately...and fortunately for him, the job offers have been roling in this month..
He will meet me in Germany for a week or so...and have a little vacation time for himself..
It will be good...
I have been emailing my relief, rather frequently, already, getting him prepped for his trip here..I can not wait!!!
It's more exciting, the thought of leaving, when you know you're relief will be here in a few months..
We are definitely on the downslope...now, my mom is making preps to the house,
Ensuring it's ready and setup for us all once I get home..
I can't wait!!
Don't get me wrong...ok..I have thoroughly enjoyed this tour..and will still the last few months here..BUT
There is no place like home... And that's a fact!!
The good thing is knowing I have 4 months left...but a month of it will be spent between Germany, Boston and traveling back to theater..
Not bad... Not bad...
Now, I just have to contain my excitement long enough to not make the time pass any slower than I feel like it is..
Since it feels like the first 8 months flew by...
I want these last 4 to be the same...
Will try to limit my count down to double digits...;)
Because by the time I get back from Boston.. That's where I will be!!! Double digits baby!!!
Okay...better go for now...
That's life..here in Afghanistan...for now..
More later...
Posted by at No comments:

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Worthy of Posting to my Blog...

I met someone special...

I met someone special. A nice, older man. Beautiful.  Wise.  One my mother always spoke of, one I always hoped I'd meet. He is wise beyond my years, makes me feel special, talks to me daily, never leaves me feeling lonely, and always listens. Gives me guidance when I ask, yet backs off enough, to let me make my own discoveries, and yes, even make my own mistakes. When I'm sad, he wraps his arms around me, and fills my heart with joy.  When I'm happy, he's happy with me, joyous, and even celebrates with me in my successes. He pushes me to my limits, tests my patience, but is always, always there to pick me up and carry me, in times when I just need extra support. His name is GOD. 

1/11/2011 - Tanya Zinn

Posted by at No comments:

Monday, January 17, 2011

16 Jan 2011 - Life & Love

16 Jan 11

 
Sometimes, a good dose of mom is all you need...

It's funny, we spend out whole lives trying to get away from our

parents, consciously trying to not be like them,

Then as an adult, all we want is our parents, or for me....my mom's

comforting voice.

 

I just spent an hour on the phone with my mom....

We haven't talked like that in a long time...

We talked about the kids, family, life and love...all mixed up..

You see, my parents moved in to my house when I left, and there was

concern about whether I wanted them to move out when I got home..lol

Are you kidding...I have spent 20 years away from home, away from my

mom...all I can think of is how much I can't wait to have her in the

same house as me, when I get home..How much I need her there...
how much I want to share adult moments..
conversations over wine, and just life, with her.

 

As I sit here feeling a little down, thinking about all the failed relationships,

the failed marriages and the heartbreak I experienced along the way,

like a good mother,

And maybe she's biased, but she reminded me that there is someone out

there for me...

I have high expectations, high goals, big dreams, even now in my mid

thirties, I have a plan for my life, for my future and someone,

somewhere out there,

Will come along, where I won't have to alter my dreams, compromise my

expectations, and feel the love and warmth from a man 
 

I don't see myself as high maintenance. But, I am one that flourishes

with attention... My love, my desire to make someone happy, only grows

when showed the proper attention,

I guess you could say I am like a flower...who grows more beautiful to

look at, when watered and given enough love..

I desire attention, with even the simplest of gestures…

A simple text...a short email..something to let me know..I am being

thought of...
 

Because that's how I am... I do that...

But in the past few relationships, I have not had that...I have had to hold back

My attentions, my true feelings, my excitedness...out of fear,

because he was not showing the same attention..

That only leaves me feeling un-liked... or un-loved..or just not wanted..

 

I'm too old for games..I know men like the chase...but what about

wanting to know you are loved..or liked...or desired...

Why is it most men are the same...the less attention you show them,

the more they are attentive..and it's a constant cycle...

It's a game..when I'm feeling like I'm not getting attention, I know,

if I back off and ignore them, they will eventually ask the

question...

"What's wrong..?"

And the funny thing is, we thrive on that..

Because it's a

"Oh he noticed..."

How stupid is that...

 

My mom is right...

I am an independent woman, with high drive and goals....

I should never have to change my dreams, for anyone, simply accomplish

them with someone, who can not be intimidated by it

 

Sometimes, even when we don't see it, or want to admit it, our moms

really do see things with a little more insight than we may want to

admit..

 

Tonight, we talked about the homecoming, the plans, and how I've been

able to keep my emotions in check...while being gone..

The one thing that always gets me choked up, is when I think of the

smiling, anxious faces as I'm walking off the plane at home...on US

soil..
 

I can go thru my days and disassociate myself from the heartbreak of

not seeing my kids for a full year...I can separate and have to, to

function here, my hurt, and turn that pain to drive for work.

But the one time I can't, is when I picture my homecoming, with my

family standing on the Tarmac..or standing in the airport, as I make

my way to there waiting arms..
 

I know it will be a very emotional homecoming, a tearful, joyous

occasion, and yet a scary journey at the same me..

Life has gone on for them...  my family, my kids, my parents..

It will be an adjustment,  but a much welcomed adjustment and

homecoming nonetheless.

 

We chatted about age, and how oh my gosh I will be 36 this month...and

that I will be dropping my retirement papers within the year...

We talked about this guy, and that guy, and who I spend my time with,

who is not right for me...long term, and how love will come along..

We talked about the heartbreak...and how I truly felt...and yes, I can

say it now...how truly heart broken I was when Dan and I broke up...

 

How of all my relationships, not to take anything away from the men in

my life, but how much it hurt when we broke up..

How it changed me...how it scarred me and how I truly felt, like if it

were physically possible, a piece of my heart broke that day..

I can say this now, because I see some good out of it..

Now… anyways..

For whatever reason, that breakup scarred me.

I felt like I would not be able to move passed it...

I felt like, and will be honest, still feel like I will never have that

again..what we had..what I felt for him..

I can only hope I am wrong..but my heart hurt..

I carried that heartbreak here with me..

Trying to deal with it, trying to move beyond that hurt..

Most of me has.. I think there will always be a small part of me, that

will forever feel that pain..

But it has given me some new perspective..

 

I self sabotage...it's the whole expectation prophecy thing... You

expect something bad to happen and so eventually, it does...

I know that I will never trust the same way...where once I trusted so completely...

I give my all of my heart… I have a much harder time doing the same...now..

I think I worry that of course "It's too good to be true"

I can only hope that when Mr. Right does come along, that all that will change..

 

My mom continues to tell me it will, and I don't think she truly knew

how hurt I was over my broken relationship with Dan...

I know it saddened her a little to hear me tell her how much I did

hurt...how much it did hurt...

All she could do was what she does best..

Give me the advice I need to hear...the words of encouragement that

someday, I will meet him,

And all the heartache I've been thru will have been worth it...

I truly hope she's right..

 
We talked about how I am getting the short timers feeling..
even just with the trip to Germany coming up.. I absolutely just don't want to be here..
I am not here, mentally.. and am just looking forward to the time away.
I don't like the countdowns, becuase once you start paying attention to that,
it seems to make the days grow longer, and the weeks and months pass
more slowly.
So, in the interim, I will continue to plan my trip to Germany, then on to

Boston, and when I get back here, the excited thoughts that I have

less than 3months left, before finally returning home for good

I can't wait...

My countdown begins...

Life is going on..with or without me...

And I don't want to sit here, wasting my time away...
Counting the days..

 

I want to be part of it.. Living it..

Enjoying it...instead of wondering..
Will I ever be satisfied with my life..as is..

Instead of holding myself up in those moments of hope...and sorrow..

I want to live..and experience everything I can in between...

Because that ...

Is LIFE

 

I have been dealt the hand that I have..

And I want to make the very best out of it..

Posted by at No comments:

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Christmas and New Years

24 Dec 2010

Well, it's Christmas Eve in Afghanistan...and here i sit, thinking about
the year and all that has gone on.
It's has been a learning experience for me...all of it...but as the
new year rolls around, I will talk more about that.
I just returned from traveling to Bagram for the week, where I worked
with my CLT (Casualty Liaison Team), and was fortunate enough to catch a
USO tour with many stars to share the evening with.
It was great.
I returned to NKC, after spending the night in the terminal, as
number 93 on the list for space "A" travelers....after some prayers by
myself and many of you, I returned home to NKC before Christmas..for
that I am blessed to not have to spend this holiday, by myself in
Bagram.

I came home to 6 packages, and lots of Christmas presents to unwrap
tomorrow morning..I am excited..
I will call the kids in the morning my time, with them on speaker
phone I will unwrap my gifts they bought for me..

I am truly blessed by the support and love I have received from my
family and friends back home. Without that this would not be as
bearable.

I have been traveling quite a bit lately and have many more travels
before my time here is done.,
I have met many people, and been bake to put faces to names which also
helps to build better working relationships...thank you.

I have grown a bit since being here..
In both my spiritual life, and my personal life.
I left the states carrying a heart break that I thought for sure was
so bad, that I would not get over it...
Time does heal all wounds, and so do friends.

For most of my friends, you know what I am eluding to...and thank you
for those long nights of listening to me repeat myself, cry and just be
a depressing person..
I left with the hopes that upon my return I would be healed, wiser
and more mature in the decisions I make and relationships I enter
into..
I think it's working..

I have moved on with a renewed sense of confidence, and a stronger mind.
For the first time in my life, I feel different.. In ways that it much
too deep to talk about in a public blog, but, suffice it to say, the
heartbreak I experienced, opened my eyes, and
hopefully put an end to the continual cycle I was putting myself thru.

I think, I have learned what "I love you" means, far from the
emotional need, or passionate need to say it..
What was once a phrase I so easily gave a way, has now become one that
I hold near and dear and have dared not say it in the past year and a
half..or so..What once would've been a situation in which I accepted things so
simply, has now become one that I have learned to treasure..

I love you, is not simply about love...it's not about that emotional
high you have, that euphoric phase you go thru..

I love you means you are committed to that individual, you are
available to that person, and comes with it a responsibility to act
accordingly..with love, when truly loving someone, you act out of
that love..
It's not forced, its not demanded, it just IS.

Maybe I'm jaded, and have a screwed up sense of love and happily ever
after, but I will tell you, trusting my heart, has not worked...
But trusting my heart, in conjunction with listening to my brain,
listening to the lessons I have learned from, just may...
This just means my love does not come as easily as it used to...
So maybe what happened, was a blessing in disguise, a life lesson for
my future..and sometimes learning life's lessons aren't easy..

But anything worth keeping (including the integrity of your heart,
mind and soul) does not come easy...life is work. You work at it..you
learn as you go..

And I think I am finally learning and discover the real lesson in this for
what it is..
Something I refused to see last year at this time, or even 6 months
ago, when I was glad to run away from my sorrows..only to learn,
It would follow me..
And it did..


Personal thoughts..

People come in your life for a reason, I truly believe that...

Chris gave me Katrina.. Travis gave me my boys.. George pushed me into
believing in my dreams, allowing me to accomplish my goals, he
believed in me; Dan, made me feel alive, and brought out the wild inner child that was afraid to act, and allowed me to do so...and accompanied me along the
way..He taught me many things about myself, and made me realize that it was
ok to be me..completely me..and loved me for that...just as I was..
everyone who has ever touched my life, because there are many I did.
Not mention, have taught me something about myself, and my life..

I have been loved and blessed... even through the heart-ache.. I took something valuable from each of those relationships...

Each day I think back, as I go thru this journey, and think about what
lessons I was supposed to learn, evaluate whether I had, and then
reevaluate if I had not, in order to now, learn from them...

I am getting there...I am finding me, and then some...
I look at my life, and for the first time, am excited about being
alone...happy about not having complications, moreover, happy that I
realize I don't need a relationship to feel complete in my life.

I am a serial relationship type person...always in one...always
feeling that need to have that..

But have realized I can survive just fine wihtout...is it nice..yes..
Do I want and like to be in a relationship, yes..But then I think about where I am at in life, and how freeing life has been to be on my own (with my kids of course) and realize I am just fine.. Having someone to share that with is nice...but not necessary...

Life is good..

Life is good.


A New Year... Already

So 2010 is officially gone.. I have been in theater for almost 8 months, with lots of rewarding stories, triumphs, successes and of course
failures...
Considering where I am at, and the job I am doing, I had a great holiday season. Now, however, its time to look ahead... continue to push forward
and plan for my future upon my return home...
I am very grateful to have been given the opportunity to do what I am doing. As I told George in an email to him.. this has ABSOLUTELY been the best
tour, most rewarding tour I have ever had.. I feel like I am part of the fight.. I feel like the training I am doing, the database I created, is making a positive
change for those in theater, and for those to come. Am I winning the war on terrorism... No.. nor do I even think I am involved in that part of the fight, BUT
I am making life a little less complicated and a little more efficient for those that come in theater to do casualty reporting, as well as my relief..
WHO by the way... should be here by end of April. Month by month there is something to look forward to, something to use as the next focal point for time to pass...
This month, my trip to Germany and then Massachusetts.. by the time I get back it will be end of February.. I will spend most of March traveling, April my relief arrives in Theater and from there its turnover time, baby.. and the rest.... is gravy..
As much as I love my job here (not the morbidity of it...) the challenge...
I still miss home.. my family.. my children.. my normal life...
Whats funny.. is that all my life.. all my adult life in the Military.. there was always the saying.. no matter where you were at..
"This ain't the real Navy..."
Let me tell you.. we find ourselves even saying that here...
"This isn't real life.." Our lives are on hold while here... at least our end.. our families back home.. there life has continued.. they have learned how to survive without us.. they have moved on.. they are not at a stand still..
here.. we are at a stand still in our personal lives.. yet our daily MILITARY lives.. continue to go on..
That being said... EVERYWHERE we are at... is real life.. it is what you have to deal with during the time you have to deal with it..
The whole "This isn't the real Navy... " is wrong.. It is all real... Just different..
This, altho we feel it makes us put our life on hold.. is real life.. its as real as it gets the minute we walk outside the wires.. the minute you arrive in theater.. IT IS as REAL as it gets for the military.. your life is on the line everyday.. even at the safest of camps/fobs/compounds...
I am grateful GOD has blessed me everytime I travel.. allowing me to do my job..
I am grateful I have had some time for me.. to discover a little bit more.. about me..
I am grateful that I have been able to move beyond some of the heartaches I brought with me..
and hopeful the scars will someday diminish over time..
I am grateful I have family to support me, my parents to take care of my children so that they did not have to be uprooted.. again
My friends that have been a constant source of support
My family here, the bonds we have made, the experiences we share, and the daily motivation we provide.

I am grateful I have been able to provide my own footprint.. however small.. in theater.. in this war..
I will be glad to get home to NOT have to deal with:
I will be glad to not have to put on sweat pants, a jacket and my flip flops to walk outside.. to use the bathroom in the middle of the night
I will be glad to not have to carry my entire bathroom toiletries outside, to said bathroom to shower every day.. twice a day..
I will be glad to not have to carry a 9MM around with me every where I go.. and panic if I don't feel it on my body..
I will be glad to not inhale the smoke from burning tires, plastic, fecies, and numerous other unhealthy items... anymore..
I will be glad that at home.. when I smell like a BBQ everynight.. it will be becuase I was ACTUALLY BBQing everynight..
I will be glad to have actual silverware and plates.. rather than plastic ware and styrofome trays
I will be glad to jump in the shower barefoot..to have a bathtub again..
to have a tall glass of wine.. a shot of anything that is liquor.. feel the mind numbing buzz .. just for a minute... lol
To walk on carpet.. to see grass... to not have to listen to the AFGHAN singers over the GINORMOUS speakers singing 5-6 times a day - a sound.. that my dog.. if I had one.. would howl to everytime..
I will be glad to not hear helicopters sounding like they are going to land on top of me.. 5 times a day..
I will be glad to not panic everytime I hear a plane/jet engine taking off or landing..
I will be glad to not have to use bottled water to brush my teeth...
I will be glad to get back to a normal route/day... instead of 16 hours days...
I will be glad to see a weekend.. and know its supposed to mean you are off work... not just view it as another day of the week..

HOWEVER, having said all that...
I will miss having work 5 minutes from my room...
I will miss the bonds and friendships I have made while here..
short list.. I know.. LOL
I am sitting at work, watching DVD sets of every season of Brothers and Sisters ever made... with my crew..
and blessed...
Blessed to be alive.. and well.. and "Living the Dream" so to speak...
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)