16 Jan 2011 - Life & Love

16 Jan 11

 

Sometimes, a good dose of mom is all you need...

It's funny, we spend out whole lives trying to get away from our

parents, consciously trying to not be like them,

Then as an adult, all we want is our parents, or for me....my mom's

comforting voice.

 

I just spent an hour on the phone with my mom....

We haven't talked like that in a long time...

We talked about the kids, family, life and love...all mixed up..

You see, my parents moved in to my house when I left, and there was

concern about whether I wanted them to move out when I got home..lol

Are you kidding...I have spent 20 years away from home, away from my

mom...all I can think of is how much I can't wait to have her in the

same house as me, when I get home..How much I need her there...

how much I want to share adult moments..

conversations over wine, and just life, with her.

 

As I sit here feeling a little down, thinking about all the failed relationships,

the failed marriages and the heartbreak I experienced along the way,

like a good mother,

And maybe she's biased, but she reminded me that there is someone out

there for me...

I have high expectations, high goals, big dreams, even now in my mid

thirties, I have a plan for my life, for my future and someone,

somewhere out there,

Will come along, where I won't have to alter my dreams, compromise my

expectations, and feel the love and warmth from a man 

 

I don't see myself as high maintenance. But, I am one that flourishes

with attention... My love, my desire to make someone happy, only grows

when showed the proper attention,

I guess you could say I am like a flower...who grows more beautiful to

look at, when watered and given enough love..

I desire attention, with even the simplest of gestures…

A simple text...a short email..something to let me know..I am being

thought of...

 

Because that's how I am... I do that...

But in the past few relationships, I have not had that...I have had to hold back

My attentions, my true feelings, my excitedness...out of fear,

because he was not showing the same attention..

That only leaves me feeling un-liked... or un-loved..or just not wanted..

 

I'm too old for games..I know men like the chase...but what about

wanting to know you are loved..or liked...or desired...

Why is it most men are the same...the less attention you show them,

the more they are attentive..and it's a constant cycle...

It's a game..when I'm feeling like I'm not getting attention, I know,

if I back off and ignore them, they will eventually ask the

question...

"What's wrong..?"

And the funny thing is, we thrive on that..

Because it's a

"Oh he noticed..."

How stupid is that...

 

My mom is right...

I am an independent woman, with high drive and goals....

I should never have to change my dreams, for anyone, simply accomplish

them with someone, who can not be intimidated by it

 

Sometimes, even when we don't see it, or want to admit it, our moms

really do see things with a little more insight than we may want to

admit..

 

Tonight, we talked about the homecoming, the plans, and how I've been

able to keep my emotions in check...while being gone..

The one thing that always gets me choked up, is when I think of the

smiling, anxious faces as I'm walking off the plane at home...on US

soil..

 

I can go thru my days and disassociate myself from the heartbreak of

not seeing my kids for a full year...I can separate and have to, to

function here, my hurt, and turn that pain to drive for work.

But the one time I can't, is when I picture my homecoming, with my

family standing on the Tarmac..or standing in the airport, as I make

my way to there waiting arms..

 

I know it will be a very emotional homecoming, a tearful, joyous

occasion, and yet a scary journey at the same me..

Life has gone on for them...  my family, my kids, my parents..

It will be an adjustment,  but a much welcomed adjustment and

homecoming nonetheless.

 

We chatted about age, and how oh my gosh I will be 36 this month...and

that I will be dropping my retirement papers within the year...

We talked about this guy, and that guy, and who I spend my time with,

who is not right for me...long term, and how love will come along..

We talked about the heartbreak...and how I truly felt...and yes, I can

say it now...how truly heart broken I was when Dan and I broke up...

 

How of all my relationships, not to take anything away from the men in

my life, but how much it hurt when we broke up..

How it changed me...how it scarred me and how I truly felt, like if it

were physically possible, a piece of my heart broke that day..

I can say this now, because I see some good out of it..

Now… anyways..

For whatever reason, that breakup scarred me.

I felt like I would not be able to move passed it...

I felt like, and will be honest, still feel like I will never have that

again..what we had..what I felt for him..

I can only hope I am wrong..but my heart hurt..

I carried that heartbreak here with me..

Trying to deal with it, trying to move beyond that hurt..

Most of me has.. I think there will always be a small part of me, that

will forever feel that pain..

But it has given me some new perspective..

 

I self sabotage...it's the whole expectation prophecy thing... You

expect something bad to happen and so eventually, it does...

I know that I will never trust the same way...where once I trusted so completely...

I give my all of my heart… I have a much harder time doing the same...now..

I think I worry that of course "It's too good to be true"

I can only hope that when Mr. Right does come along, that all that will change..

 

My mom continues to tell me it will, and I don't think she truly knew

how hurt I was over my broken relationship with Dan...

I know it saddened her a little to hear me tell her how much I did

hurt...how much it did hurt...

All she could do was what she does best..

Give me the advice I need to hear...the words of encouragement that

someday, I will meet him,

And all the heartache I've been thru will have been worth it...

I truly hope she's right..

 

We talked about how I am getting the short timers feeling..

even just with the trip to Germany coming up.. I absolutely just don't want to be here..

I am not here, mentally.. and am just looking forward to the time away.

I don't like the countdowns, becuase once you start paying attention to that,

it seems to make the days grow longer, and the weeks and months pass

more slowly.

So, in the interim, I will continue to plan my trip to Germany, then on to

Boston, and when I get back here, the excited thoughts that I have

less than 3months left, before finally returning home for good

I can't wait...

My countdown begins...

Life is going on..with or without me...

And I don't want to sit here, wasting my time away...

Counting the days..

 

I want to be part of it.. Living it..

Enjoying it...instead of wondering..

Will I ever be satisfied with my life..as is..

Instead of holding myself up in those moments of hope...and sorrow..

I want to live..and experience everything I can in between...

Because that ...

Is LIFE

 

I have been dealt the hand that I have..

And I want to make the very best out of it..