16 Jan 11
It's funny, we spend out whole lives trying to get away from our
parents, consciously trying to not be like them,
Then as an adult, all we want is our parents, or for me....my mom's
I just spent an hour on the phone with my mom....
We haven't talked like that in a long time...
We talked about the kids, family, life and love...all mixed up..
You see, my parents moved in to my house when I left, and there was
concern about whether I wanted them to move out when I got home..lol
Are you kidding...I have spent 20 years away from home, away from my
mom...all I can think of is how much I can't wait to have her in the
As I sit here feeling a little down, thinking about all the failed relationships,
the failed marriages and the heartbreak I experienced along the way,
like a good mother,
And maybe she's biased, but she reminded me that there is someone out
there for me...
I have high expectations, high goals, big dreams, even now in my mid
thirties, I have a plan for my life, for my future and someone,
somewhere out there,
Will come along, where I won't have to alter my dreams, compromise my
I don't see myself as high maintenance. But, I am one that flourishes
with attention... My love, my desire to make someone happy, only grows
when showed the proper attention,
I guess you could say I am like a flower...who grows more beautiful to
look at, when watered and given enough love..
I desire attention, with even the simplest of gestures…
A simple text...a short email..something to let me know..I am being
Because that's how I am... I do that...
But in the past few relationships, I have not had that...I have had to hold back
My attentions, my true feelings, my excitedness...out of fear,
because he was not showing the same attention..
That only leaves me feeling un-liked... or un-loved..or just not wanted..
I'm too old for games..I know men like the chase...but what about
wanting to know you are loved..or liked...or desired...
Why is it most men are the same...the less attention you show them,
the more they are attentive..and it's a constant cycle...
It's a game..when I'm feeling like I'm not getting attention, I know,
if I back off and ignore them, they will eventually ask the
And the funny thing is, we thrive on that..
Because it's a
"Oh he noticed..."
How stupid is that...
My mom is right...
I am an independent woman, with high drive and goals....
I should never have to change my dreams, for anyone, simply accomplish
them with someone, who can not be intimidated by it
Sometimes, even when we don't see it, or want to admit it, our moms
really do see things with a little more insight than we may want to
Tonight, we talked about the homecoming, the plans, and how I've been
able to keep my emotions in check...while being gone..
The one thing that always gets me choked up, is when I think of the
smiling, anxious faces as I'm walking off the plane at home...on US
I can go thru my days and disassociate myself from the heartbreak of
not seeing my kids for a full year...I can separate and have to, to
function here, my hurt, and turn that pain to drive for work.
But the one time I can't, is when I picture my homecoming, with my
family standing on the Tarmac..or standing in the airport, as I make
I know it will be a very emotional homecoming, a tearful, joyous
occasion, and yet a scary journey at the same me..
Life has gone on for them... my family, my kids, my parents..
It will be an adjustment, but a much welcomed adjustment and
We chatted about age, and how oh my gosh I will be 36 this month...and
that I will be dropping my retirement papers within the year...
We talked about this guy, and that guy, and who I spend my time with,
who is not right for me...long term, and how love will come along..
We talked about the heartbreak...and how I truly felt...and yes, I can
say it now...how truly heart broken I was when Dan and I broke up...
How of all my relationships, not to take anything away from the men in
my life, but how much it hurt when we broke up..
How it changed me...how it scarred me and how I truly felt, like if it
were physically possible, a piece of my heart broke that day..
I can say this now, because I see some good out of it..
For whatever reason, that breakup scarred me.
I felt like I would not be able to move passed it...
I felt like, and will be honest, still feel like I will never have that
again..what we had..what I felt for him..
I can only hope I am wrong..but my heart hurt..
I carried that heartbreak here with me..
Trying to deal with it, trying to move beyond that hurt..
Most of me has.. I think there will always be a small part of me, that
will forever feel that pain..
But it has given me some new perspective..
I self sabotage...it's the whole expectation prophecy thing... You
expect something bad to happen and so eventually, it does...
I know that I will never trust the same way...where once I trusted so completely...
I give my all of my heart… I have a much harder time doing the same...now..
I can only hope that when Mr. Right does come along, that all that will change..
My mom continues to tell me it will, and I don't think she truly knew
how hurt I was over my broken relationship with Dan...
I know it saddened her a little to hear me tell her how much I did
hurt...how much it did hurt...
All she could do was what she does best..
Give me the advice I need to hear...the words of encouragement that
someday, I will meet him,
And all the heartache I've been thru will have been worth it...
I truly hope she's right..
Boston, and when I get back here, the excited thoughts that I have
less than 3months left, before finally returning home for good
I can't wait...
My countdown begins...
Life is going on..with or without me...
I want to be part of it.. Living it..
Instead of holding myself up in those moments of hope...and sorrow..
I want to live..and experience everything I can in between...
Because that ...
I have been dealt the hand that I have..
And I want to make the very best out of it..