Friday, March 27, 2015

A Revelation

It's been a little while since I have written - but I don't want to bore you with the mundane tasks of my Stay at Home Journey - I will simply say that it has been busy, productive and definitely life changing.  I enjoy it more than I thought I would, and feel as if GOD put me right where I need to be - and is showing me some beautiful things that I have missed out on - and that I am learning to enjoy now.

The dynamics in our home have completely shifted - and there is a calmer "feel" at home.. if that makes sense? It may to many of you out there that are used to being on the Go Go Go and constantly putting out fires, with a half empty CO2 Extinguisher.... That is how our old life felt -

There is a surprising sense of peace within me.  I'm still a task master - a list maker, a list checker offer - if I did it and it wasn't on my list - I put it on my list... I still want to see that I have been productive - (I know, I know.. stop shaking your head laughing at me.. Yes - I add it to my list if I did it and it wasn't on the list...)  I learned to do this in my Navy days - with my to-do books... this is how I tracked me activity from Eval to Eval and then Fitrep to Fitrep... if it wasn't written in my book - or on my calendar - it didn't happen...   Same premise here...  Some things will never change :)

I have come to enjoy my time at home - I feel like I have more quality time with my boys.  I am home when they get home, we talk more (as much as 15/16 year old boys will talk to you) 

My relationship with George has improved tenfold! Just life in general seems a little more controlled.. a little less out of control and chaotic.  I don't always feel like I am running on empty. 

I could go on and on - but to my point...
My Revelation...

This last week my boys left for a Mission Trip.  They were going away for basically 8 days. How exciting for them... traveling with the church to Mexico for Spring Break and helping others.. Yes
Both boys have gone to Winter and Summer Camps with the Church.  They were gone for 3-7 days.  And each time they left it was not very "emotional" for me.  Not to sound harsh, or like I didn't miss them, but I just simply was happy they were away having a good time and that was that... This time, as I stood around with all the other parents - waiting for the goodbyes and wondering if my teenage sons will even acknowledge me to say good bye to me - Alas, they did - to my surprise, both boys did, and when they did, with that hug, I love you, and the loading of the bus - I WANTED TO CRY?

WHAT? They were leaving for a week! Why did I want to cry? Why was I feeling so emotional over them leaving for a week?

For those that have followed my blog - you know that I was a single mom for many years, who relished any alone time I could get, and then when I wasn't, I was deployed upwards of 6-8 months at a time and even 12 Months in Afghanistan, where my contact was limited - How do we do this, as moms? We compartmentalize.  We learn to compartmentalize and feel but not feel... You feel it and then stuff it deep and just let the surface "missing you" hang around - not the "I really miss you and feel like I am missing out on so much."   If we don't "stuff it" down and compartmentalize, we can not concentrate on the mission at hand...

So what' my point?

Until now, I never let myself take the time to  FULLY "feel" in the joys, thrills, and even emotional moments of being a mom...

Instead - I was too busy being busy,
too busy being tired,
too busy working,
too busy being gone -
too busy to feel...

I have struggled all week with why this week was so hard on me with the boys being gone. Why have I felt sad that they were gone (when I otherwise would not).  Trying to figure out where all this was coming from... I wanted to tell myself "Suck it Up - Buttercup!"


I think I feel how every "normal" mom would feel.  They miss their kids when they're gone.
I think I feel what I should have been feeling for the last 20 years. 

I now have the time to feel, I don't have to "stuff" it anymore
and the LORD is teaching me how to let myself.

I know, realizing this, that I am right where God wants me to be! I have still so much to learn and so much he is teaching me - still through my kids. 

But this - This was a big revelation.  So glad that I am learning this now - before it's too late!