Friday, July 2, 2010

Friday, 02 July 2010 cont...

So, I took my nap.. and woke up in time to do my P90X! Now, unfortunately, I had to do it alone today, but, I did it! Then I showered and went to work to check on things.. My oh my it has been a busy day for the Taliban here in Afghanistan.

Insurgents continue to strike out however possible -

Gun Battles/RPGs, and Vehicle Borne IEDs are on the rampage here the last couple days.
As the article above eludes, the bombing provoked a gun battle that lasted several hours.
I feel for those men and women - as I sit in my cush office, visualizing what must go thru their heads as they heat up and push on. I receive the casualty reports and linger for a few moments of sadness, and then within hours see their names and pictures across the TV (for the fallen soldiers/sailors/airmen alike. Today, I was working a file for a SM (service member) that died a couple days ago, as I was processing more of his paperwork, I saw his name across the TV and reality punched me in the face. He was not just a file. He was a son, spouse, father and brother in arms to those he served with and gave his life with.

Then, my mom wakes up to the news of an attack on a compound and thinks its mine.. Poor mom.. I wanted to cry for her.. Her emails were frantic (atleast email/phones were up today) and I was able to call and let her know - I was okay.. our compound was okay.

Tonight as I lay on my bed browsing, I find a profile of someone I once loved, and shared many great years and memories together. It tugged at my heart at the great times we had, which are all buried under that last year of troubles, change and drama. I feel bad for the pain that I caused and just the loss of a friend I once had. We both made some mistakes, but that shouldn't shadow and replace the good times, great memories and amazing accomplishments me made together. Maybe one day, we will be friends again.. I saw some pictures of some of my old pets Ella, Rizzo, Squeaker - and it hurt. Reality.

Some times I wonder if the pain of a relationship ending, is worth the good times in between? I guess I'm not a big believer in Forever anymore.. been down that road.. had those dreams, tried it.. been there.. got the bumper sticker.. but "forever" rejected me at his door.. and sent me back to "temporary" or "for a little while" or worse yet "almost forever, but not quite" "plans for forever... but plans change" and then "Let's get your hopes up... and then knock you down when you least expect it" yes.. been there done that.. all of that.. and its old, and it hurts..

I'm feelin a bit cynical tonight. A little sad for the many men we've lost and the many men we have lost in the last couple days in Small Arms Fires, RPG attacks, IED's and CONVOY attacks. I'm feeling a bit lonely - as I watch my friend's lives go on.. and I'm stuck in groundhog day.. and I'm feeling a bit of regret at the mistakes I have made that hurt people, which in turn, end up filling me with hurt.

Tonight.. is not a good night.

I'm not sure I am liking days off.. I think its easier to just work, it keeps my mind occupied and makes my day go by much quicker with less time for idle thought. I will remember that for my next day off..


  1. Dang girlie :'(. I can only imagine how your feeling and what everyone there is going through. I love and miss you bunches and just know in your darkest hours you DO have people who are here and supportive and will ALWAYS be here if you need it.

  2. I am okay :) Just had an off day.. But I am okay.. THank you and I love you too!! :) (((hugs)))