Saturday, July 31, 2010

29 July 2010 - RANDOMNESS

I have had a busy week this week. There has been alot happenening here in
Kabul, in case you didn't know. Two of our sailors went missing and then
within the week, on separate ocassions, both were found, deceased.

In our office we process all casualty reports for Afghanistan.
This includes Navy Sailors - however, this was the first for us..
We had not had to deal with Sailors being missing nor being found
deceased.. it was a whole new process for us over here which took many
hours of coordinating between several different facilities.

I pulled 2 (almost) all nighters .. which.. looking back probably sounded
like shit to hear me complain about being tired.. and at work.. when in
reality.. what I was doing.. was making a difference and although I was
complaining about being tired.. at that very moment a mother was being informed
that her son had died for his country. At that same moment a wife and 2 children
were being notified that their husband and father were never coming home.
Atleast not in the capacity that they had hoped for. The sad part about it all,
is that both Petty Officers were due to go home within 2 months.
Really makes sleep sound very menial..

Its a long and arduous job here. High Tempo long hours, and few are lucky to
have whole days off. I am lucky.. but for the next month or so, I will simply
enjoy being able to sleep in 2 of the days out of the week.. but no day off..

I am covering for my counterpart who is basically an aid/assistant to the
Colenel. So, I will need to be there during the day for taskers.. its that or
get called in to work.. which is not a good thing.. so my plan is to just be there..
be available/accesible.

This week has been emotional for me. Lots of things, outside the office going
on as well. Some too personal to talk about in this forum.. those of you
that I talk to outside my blog will understand.. and other stuff that quite frankly,
is just creating drama that I don't need.

Some of it is my own doing. I did come here, knowing this would be good for me.
Good for me in many aspects.. but honestly, for the most part..
personal growth. Personal Growth, on my own, with no one to "depend"
on to take the problems away, or distract me from what I need to do, for my
own growth.

I am experiencing some things that I really thought I had dealt with, but I think
in my heart of hearts, knew I had not.

(1) My personal growth. I have spent my whole life, always with someone, or always
a title. A Student, A Sailor, A Wife, A Mother, A Girlfriend, A confidant, A Division
Officer, A Division Head, with very little time to figure out who I am. I have
always been, what I had believed what I was supposed to be.. A Good worker. A Wife
(failed at that.. unfortunately). A Good Mother (I hope..). I have spent the last
six months in San Diego trying to deal with heartbreak.. change and living on my own..
Maybe that sounds kind of crazy.. I am 35 years old. I have always lived on my own,
but I have always had someone.. besides just my kids. It was lonely, it hurt, then
it turned to "wow..this is kind of nice" to enjoying a routine, with a somewhat
"normal" life. As normal as one can get as Single Mom Active Duty Officer in the Navy.

Now - I am taken out of my element.. taken away from whatever support I had at home..
and figured this would be a good time to rediscover me.. and what my capabilities are,
even by myself. Maybe this was what I was searching for.. independence .. so to speak.

SO you may be asking, why would you need to go all the way to Kabul for that? I dont.
But, this was my destiny, part of my journey. When I retire in a couple years, I can
rest at night knowing I did my part in this war, that I made a difference. In my own
mind, this is not only a personal endeavor, its a professional one as well.

So onward..

I have experienced quite a few bouts of drama while here..
not necessarily stuff here.. but.. things even from thousands of miles away.
Things happening with my children, that I so badly wish I could have been there for.
Things with friends, unwanted drama.

Anyhow, I could list about 8 different things, but, again they are somewhat personal and
that kind of stuff will keep. Needless to say, its been a rough week. Balancing my life here
with my life at home and everything in between.

Today has been a day where all I've wanted is to just cry..
Not necessarily depressed, don't get me wrong.. just overload.. just need a little time
to unwind..Just emotional overload.. What can I say.. I'm a girl.. every now and then I
just need a good cry. :)

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