Friday, August 27, 2010

the process....27 August 2010

There are very few times in my life that I can remember going through
something so emotionally trying, as what I have put myself through over
the last year.

My first Divorce - was pretty painful. It was not my choice, although,
obviously I learned how to accept it and move on.

A relationship that was so powerful, so emotional, and helped me thru
some pretty traumatic times in my life - painful loss.. but, it was his
loss - so I later learned - as I discovered he was not faithful at any
point in our relationship.

It's always easier - in a sense - to be the one to leave. To be the one
that left. The sense of loss is not nearly as great - as when you have
the rug pulled out from under you, with no idea it was coming.

I've been on both sides of the fence. I have experienced the loss in
such a way that I wouldn't have fathomed was possible. I sunk to a new
low, as in depression. I fell on my face so hard I was unable to get up
for days. My children had to watch their mother curled up on a couch for
4 days, refusing to eat, sleep, drink - just cry. I then held on for
dear life to some resemblance of something, some small part of a
connection as possible, only furthering my loss - only enhancing the
emotional pain I allowed myself to suffer.

Not only has it been teaching me about myself - my limits, it has taught
me about my actions, as well. How I hurt someone, by doing the same
thing. Kharma really is a bitch - and at some point in your life, when
you don't even understand what is going on, you will look back and
remember - and realize... Kharma found you.

At one point in my life the song I'm Moving On had great meaning for me.
It inspired me to write, and write, and write - until I could write no
more and I felt this great emotional release. I felt as if that 5000 lb
elephant had been lifted and I was free again.

Things I discovered about myself as my life progressed, as I matured,
and things I kept buried for many years surfaced, leading me to look for
closure in nearly the same way as I am doing now..

Maybe that is what I am trying to do now. Purge. Write, until I feel
the same release. Write until I hurt no more. Write to make it easier -
to let it go.

Usually pain provides a drive I never thought possible. I move passed
it with a renewed dedication to accomplish something.. Something else to
focus on. Something to distract my heart, my mind and my thoughts.

I am taking that with me here. I am trying to take the negative energy
and put it towards something positive.
That is exactly what I am starting today.

Today I approached my Colonel with a new idea for a USFOR-A Casualty
Training Team - Theater Wide. (Thanks to the Navy and all their
Training I am putting together training material,
references, and will be hitting the road. I will travel to all Casualty
Teams in Afghanistan - Training them on Casualty Reporting. Face to Face
visits, Teleconferences and Training Team Assist Visits. Then, sometime
later this year or early next I will be traveling to Ft Jackson South
Carolina to Train the Trainers on Casualty - so that all personnel
coming into theater for this particular job - are trained appropriately.

Maybe its not the answer. Maybe I should be sitting alone, thinking
about everything I've done, everything that has happened, why I am where
I am at today - but for me - I can only view that as prolonging my
pain.. prolonging the hurt - Letting it go, removing it from my life,
and moving forward has proven to be the only answer to a situation like
this. One day, I will go back to it - and have great memories, and
think about the great things I accomplished and experienced during those
years - for now, those thoughts simply twist a knife further into my
heart, so I would rather pick up a new project - and run with it. That's
my goal.

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