DAY TWO Of not really talking to Katrina - or really.. just not letting her BS me. I have called to tell her goodnight and I love her.. but won't let it go any further than that.
I know she is not ready to discuss this like an adult. I know she is still to upset, defensive and has excuses coming out of her ears she is ready to feed to me.. BUT I am not listening.
I am hoping some words of hopeful wisdom.. some motherly advice, will help get her back on track. I figure it will be a few days at a minimum, before I am ready to talk to her about the other night... We'll see.
In the interim, I sent her an email, reminding her of the important things in life. The things that matter, the things that will mold her into the young woman I know she will become:
Good morning, I hope you slept well.
I want you to know that I love you. I may be disappointed and hurt by
your actions, but I still love you. I want you to be the best person you can be, and
right now, you are not heading in that direction. I want you to be honest with
yourself and think about the people that you have hurt. Instead of thinking about the pain
you are in, because I won't talk to you about it - think about the crazy drama you
brought to Aunt Tammys house this summer, the undue stress you put on her, Uncle
Mike, Dylon and your brothers. Think about your actions and how they affect
others around you. Think about how Grandma & Papa felt and how I felt, when we knew
you were no where to be found.
Instead of thinking of reasons why you did it, or justifications to make
it all better, accept, understand and know that you were wrong. On all
accounts. Your actions. You need to take responsibility for your actions. When
you do that, I should not hear anything about how you were feeling or how you thought
this - we should be hearing how truly sorry you are to have caused so much pain
and drama this summer to everyone around you and involved.
You need to think about the friends and family outside that house that
you used. Friends and family that you manipulated. Aunt Kathy for one. She has
loved you from day one and you tried to use her. You tried to abuse your
relationship with her, for your benefit. When you do things like that - that is how you lose
friends. That is how you lose support. You are lucky to have her and you basically made
her realize you were just using her. That is no way to treat anyone. You need to
take responsibility for the manipulations you have created between you and everyone around
you. You need to take responsibility for the crappy way you have treated your brothers.
You are lucky to have them. I understand most siblings have sibling rivalry - but Katrina
you go too far. You walk all over them and treat them as if they don't deserve to
breathe the same air as you.. they don't deserve that. Its their job to be irritating, just
as its your job to be bossy as the older sister.. but you take it too far and you need
to start understanding that its those boys, your brothers that will have your back as you
get older. The more you abuse them now, the less likely you will be to have them
at your side when you truly need them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them. Don't ruin that... before you even get the chance to truly appreciate them.
I'm not saying you are solely to blame for everything that is happened..but you are
to blame for your actions. You - of all people - need to take care of you.
What was it you told me once "I have standards, Mom" So have those standards, raise them and understand that YOU are the keeper of your body. It is the ONLY body you will get. If YOU abuse it, or allow others to ABUSE it, you will end up feeling abused and lonely. You will end up with the reputation that no girl wants and most of all - you will lose yourself!
YOU should have standards. You should set the bar soo high that it is almost unreachable, because that is what you deserve. Not a one or two week fling that turns to sex and then the whole thing disappears. SEX is an adult act, one that you are not ready for. It takes an emotional toll and can really mess up your psychee if you aren't careful. You should not be having intimate relations with anyone until you know you LOVE him and he LOVES and respects you and you are going to have a future together! At 15 - that is not going to happen honey, no matter what you think and how much you may "like" someone. It won't be forever, and therefore you should be saving yourself! Save your self for someone who deserves you. Not many that just claim to like you..and then toss you aside when they are done..
You deserve better than that, and therefore should EXPECT more. NO LESS! Please take this to heart, and really listen to what I am saying. I know you will make mistakes along the way, but I just want to help you minimize those mistakes, therefore minimizing the damage.
Life is about so much more than this. This - the trouble you are in, the lying, the boys. Life is about having a dream and following it. Being successful is not necessarily about how many boyfriends you've had, how many friends you have ... truly successful means aspiring to something and accomplishing it. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. That is what truly fills your heart. The rest of life, love and everything else, will fall in to place as it does, as you walk that path to accomplishing your goals. AND when that happens, if it deters you from your dreams, it is not right. Someone who truly loves and respects you will support you in your dreams and help you accomplish them. That will come later. Don't rush love. Don't rush life. Don't be in such a rush to be a grown up - that you forget to enjoy your high school years.
That's enough for now.
I love you.