I finally did it tonight.
I can't say that I feel any better yet, as the pain is stil searing thru my heart.
After almost a year, I let go of the final piece that was holding me back from a full recovery.
For those of you that know what I am talking about, you will be semi laughing saying "it's about time"
For so long my heart has been broken...
It has suffered regularly for the sake of my emotions....
What I didn't realize was that my emotions were not getting any better either...
No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise
This is the next phase in my recovery plan...
Taking my heart back...setting it free from the prison I have kept it in
Unlocking the the locks that's have been chained around my heart for so long
I have been a prisoner of my own demise
I let my heart suffer
Why? I don't know..maybe I felt like I deserved it
Maybe I felt like it was payback for the pain I may have caused
Or kharma for exact pain I suffer now...that I inflicted on someone else,
that only wanted to love me
I dont know why my heart has allowed this to continue..
But I knew the day would come where I would have to admit ..and it's long overdue..
But it's time to move on
I was holdin on to something that would never be
I was holding on to something that never was
I know, in my brain, time heals all wounds
I know now that no matter how hard you try
Only time will mend the broken peices
One day I will be able to look back with fond memories without the pain it now causes to think about it
When you lose someone you love..they say it's like a death in the family
I have experienced both and can say that what I have experienced this year was a prolonged funeral
Friendships are formed, bonded, grown, and possibly flowered into something quite beautiful
But they do not work the same in reverse
I am discovering the truth inside myself
Did I really deserve it
Why would I put myself thru it, if I didn't believe that
How can I of all people believe that
I am an independent strong willed confident woman,
Yet, apparently on the inside, I was an insecure little girl, punishing myself far beyond my dues
After many months and much support I have cut that string, and hit "send"
The moment I did, I thought I was going to be sick
I felt the pain rush back, the loss, the hurt,the ache
But I also felt a sense of relief a sense that now, I can move forward
My heart can finally heal
As it is right now, is in no shape for anyone else to see
I am not proud of the length of time it took me to do what was right fo me, yet even still I tried to make excuses for why I should delay
But, wisdom prevailed...thanks to my friends...and family...
So now what?
now I all myself one last cry..to grieve for the full loss my heart is now experiencing..
One last cry for the sadness that overcomes me, marking the end of this chapter
And preparing me for the next
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Good for you girl and know that no matter what, there is someone here for you. No matter who you choose to turn to, we are here. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYou are beating yourself way too much. Yes, it took you awhile to "see the light" and realize it was unhealthy emotionally, but don't put yourself down or be negative about your choice to continue with it. Focus on the positive and the way ahead, a way that does not have that same kind of hurt and a way ahead that one day will have your heart and mind not emotionally unhealthy. It's gonna be great for you when you get there and you have taken the first steps in that direction.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you Sister. Letting go of someone you love is not easy. Saying goodbye, not easy. Doing the right thing for yourself, not easy. Yet - you did it. You are a strong, resiliant woman. Time does heal all wounds. Not necessarily as quickly as we'd like, but over time it does. You will be stronger and better from this. I love you.
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