Monday, September 27, 2010

Reconciling the past - Reminiscing

As I sit here listening to the music you sent, floods of memories surround me..embrace me in a warmth I can not describe and yet at the same time a despair so great I cant honestly answer if I have regrets in my decision to leave, although I will say that I do firmly believe God had a purpose.. A purpose for you and a purpose for me..

I have such great memories of the adventures we went on together, the explorations, not just physical, but mental, spiritual in a sense, even though we seldom if ever, ok actually never, enjoyed gods love together as a couple, i wonder what greater joys we would have encountered had we trusted in him, together
I wasn't strong enough in my faith to let it spill over on to you, who knew that one day we would end up where we are today, in the presence of gods love and still holding on to the bonds we share I spent many years searching for a path of survivability, freedom, love, joy, spiritual wholeness

But in my endeavors, I got lost along the way

During my years of being lost inside my own soul, you were being found...well let me rephrase that, you were reconnected with the one pure love, the one pure goodness in life..

As I sit here listening to the music you sent to me, sitting perched up against the bench that I am meant to sit on, I feel an overwhelming sadness of the life we left behind

I recall our walks along the beach, holding hands, the sun setting, the sand so fine, so pure that it feels as though we are walking on silk. The love in your eyes, on the 9th deck of the Volendam as we made our personal vows to eachother, the love in your eyes as you looked at me in my princess wedding gown, the joy in your eyes as we experienced some of the great rides at Busch Gardens, the wind blowing thru our hair as we rode along in our convertible Sebring coasting the roads in Florida during our well deserved honeymoon, the excitement in your eyes as we strolled thru Disney world with three young toddlers, even tho it was off to quite a rocky start,just making it up to the hotel room that was over aged, over paid and over populated with bugs, and mold...the proud achievement we felt at your graduation for your associates degree, at my Purdue graduation, at my commissioning, even tho you were burning up with celephane wrapping you so tightly you thought you would faint, the feel of your touch as you honored me with my first salute and I traded with you a silver dollar in exchange for that torture you endured in the heat of the gym at the armory.. The frustrations we Shared during our 24 hour venture in what we like to call PCSing from the muggy south to what would normally be a 12 hour journey.. And then again on our few day journey from Indiana to Washington..the excitement as we moved into our first real place together, in Indiana, one that we could make a home.. The hunger in your eyes, as we said our I dos (the first time) with only one couple to witness these vows, that sadly, we ended up leaving behind a few short years later.. The vows, the promises, we would not know would not last, becuase we were sure we were soul mates, what we failed to realize, was without a soul that was full of his love, our souls were destined to fail...because we couldnt do it alone... Even with each other, we couldn't do it without his love..

Thought it all, I still knew a love I had never known, a security in a man, a strong desire to be the very best, to be the one you wanted for the rest of your life.. The one you would be proud of, the one you would admire, and yet, all the while being an equal...I was so proud to have you by my side...I was so proud to call you my partner in life, my husband, my best friend..

Life changed us, family changed us, and what was left behind, was stranded on a single road, at fork, neither one of us would foresee...a fork, which would change us, who were were, and what we knew, forever..

This fork in the road leading us to different paths, because for the first time since we had met, we chose different paths, unbeknownst to us, we started individual journeys, in opposite directions, ultimately pulling our once united souls, to separate places

I chose a road that I thought would fulfill me, at the point in which we discovered we weren't fulfilling each others needs, needs much more powerful than just the basic food, water, subsistence, needs to fulfill a longing that couldn't not be described..

Along my journeys I have seen some things,shared some powerful moments, that now, looking back, would have been an incredible journey with you..
I was happy in my own way for a while..but my happiness still depended on the one opposite me, and his happiness...

In my ventures, I sky dived for the first time. I jumped out of a perfectly good plane, at 16000 feet and jumped to the earth in a most tranquil, awe inspiring peacefulness that can only be described as feeling like you were floating from heavens abounds, to the rocky bottom. An exhilarating rush, that can only be experienced, by jumping yourself..
I went ice skating for the first time in years, some thing I once loved to do as a child...

And I took a cruise to alaska, discovering the jungle, zip lining 300 feet above the ground through trees and mountains, I climbed a vertical mountain side of more than 80 feet high, with just my hands (although I did have lines attached to me, incase i failed..) although, as you know me, I let nothing beat me.. Nothing physically anyhow..had I only understood then, years before how untrue that would be.. Because one thing did beat me. My resolve for God and his magical touch..anyhow, after climbing said mountain/rock, I then repelled down, yet again, another exhilarating event, both the shaking muscles and nerves as my hands tried with all their might to climb something so high, probably not meant to just be climbed up, but yet, I accomplished it..then repelled downward back to where I started...

I learned to snow board making a few trips to selected mountains, ski tops, but my desire to snowboard well, did not actually couple with my knowledge...I was horrible at it, my first go round, my first trip, I dislocated my shoulder, an injury preventing me from returning for 6 weeks, at least, as it definitely disabled me, however, as stubborn as younknow I am, I was back out there 4 weeks later..still sore, but loved the journey, loved the feel, excited in the sport that was kicking my butt...eager to master it.. So this next visit was a weekend get away...2 full days planned on the mountain....which unfortuantaetly turned out disastrous on the first day....I thought I had finally gotten good...had been down the slope about 7 times...fallen probably double that..but still..I would get up, dust off the snow and keep going, that 7th time down, would prove to be my last, well, so far anyhow... But my resolve was relentless, even after my tailbone thought it could not take yet, another fall

As I was coming down the slope, my speed caught and I felt my self speeding faster and faster, to a point where the speed scared me, so I dug my heals down on the board, trying to slow my decline, only digging too far, to hard, bringing my feet, and the snowboard attached to them up in the air, in front of me, knowing what was coming next, knowing that if I fell one more time on my tailbone, it would probably break, I quickly made the worst errors ever in snowboarding, I put both my hands down, stretched out, behind me, to brace my fall.. You would think falling on fluffy snow wouldn't be painful, but it is like falling on cement, and inn this case it was no different. My hands went down, braced my fall, and boom, splay, poof.. I was down. Iniitally, it hurt, I felt like I sprained my wrists, but just shook them out, after The pain somewhat lightened up enough to bare, then, I told my self to suck it up..and dusted my self off, told dan, "im okay, they hurt a little, but I will be fine" so off he went back to the medium level hillside, as I, still on the easy slope, tracked back to the lift, which took me one last time up to the top of the slope, where, as I made it to the top ( never ever successfully getting off the lift without falling, lol, but doing it anyway..) so as with all the other times, I fell as I was coming off the lift, but it was not a bad fall, just a purposeful slide to the side. As I got my bearings, i started down the slope, my wrists still hurting, but i kept telling myself to suck it up... As i started making my way down, my wrists were now throbbing..both of them...and i fell... Again, ligghtly. But now my wrists are in agony, bringing me to tears, so i stop, i sit on thte slope side for a few minutes, and finally decided to take off my gloves..

When I did, I was terrified, in my own way, but not enough that anyone else around me would know. What I saw was horrible... On both wrists, on top at the bend, I had knots the size of golf balls .. This had never happened to me before, so although its painful, I had no idea what was wrong, or how bad it really was..but now, at this point, my hands are useless.. I was defeated.. I had to unstrap my snowboard, and walk the rest of the way down the slope. I made my way to the bottom, and went and sat on a bench to look at my wrists a little better.. Someone beside me saw and immediately went to the first aid counter and had someone come look at my all of a sudden it's a big deal.. I still had no Idea how bad it was..just that it was painful. As the first aid station scurried to get splints for BOTH my wrists, I called Dan who was on the slopes, told him That my wrists were hurting pretty bad, but not to worry, just meet me done at the first aid station ( I was just gonna get ice) (lol as if there weren't enough snow around..ehh?) and to meet me there when he was done...about 10 minutes later, he finds me at first aid, both wrists being splinted and we're being told to go get x-rays.. They were pretty sure I had broken both wrists...he was furious at me for underplaying how hurt my wrists were... But we did go to the closest hands now, completely useless.. I could not move a finger,without excruciatinng pain, let alone my wrists, which shot me thru the roof... About an hour later, we are leaving the hospital, I had fractured both wrists, my left one once and the right one in two places.. but i was on some pretty good painkillers, so, as long as i didnt hAve to do much with my hands, i was okay. We stayed..and i just watched people snowboard the next day ( it was a weekend plan..and just becuase i couldnt snowboard, doesnt mean i couldnt enjoy being the cheerleader at the bottom of the slope... ) i would not let my fall ruin the weekend i wasnt casted yet..too swollen...but splinted on both wrists... Ultimately, i ended up with a half cast on my right wrist and a more stable splint/partial cast on my left wrist....Heres the big surprise.. I still love the thrill of it, and would go back given the opportuity lol
Even tho my wrists will never be the same.. I can still feel the pain during push ups... Etc..but, im a sucker for the thrill.. What can i say...

But of all things I have experienced in the last 4 years, one of the most truly religious, physically demanding and inspiring trips I have ever taken was to the mountains in Washington (Mt. Rainier). I took a 6 day back packing trip with just a 40 lb pack on my back, hiking more than 63 miles in about 6 days, up elevations totaling more than 12000 feet in one day, and down the same in less... This trip took me around the mountain, which in all totaled 93 miles. This was a trip where I saw lakes in the middle of the snowed in mountain tops, 8000 feet Above the earth, a lake, so beautiful, so magnificent

I hiked 100 feet from a mother bear and her two cubs, admiring the beauty of a nature so exquisite, a feeling of smallness overwhelmed my world as I gazed at the beauty of this mountain, the wildlife, the bear which could have easily chased me, And quite literally eaten me in seconds, yet all she did was watch her cubs from a distance, eyeballing my closeness to her babies, ensuring i continued my hike and out of her way...I have never seen such a beautiful site, as I did, spending 6 days, with nothing but a pack, my legs to move me along this journey, although I may not have finished the journey completely around this mountain (severe blisters and lack of first aid to treat them endangered my health) I accomplished so much more in that 6 days, than I had in other endeavors..this was a peaceful, spiritual journey, that made me feel closer to God, and his wonder than I had ever felt. It was beautiful, wonderful and an adventure of a lifetime, but the spiritual rebirth at those moments it so deserved, was not given the full attention it deserved, and for that, I am remorseful.

Having said all that, Mt Rainier and all its beauty, its trails, the path which ironically was called Devils Peak, only led me to a new appreciation of God and all his wonder

Back to today...

So what does all this mean now, everything, everything that i have rambled on about? I don't know yet, but I think I am on the start of a new journey, this one, bringing me to where I need to be in my spirituality. My relationship with God is being strengthened, with every book I read, every road I am taking now is leading me in the right direction...I can feel it in my core...and I only hope that at the end of this journey abroad, I will have found and preserved what I am looking for inside myself...

And you, well, you are a great help....a positive force in that direction...

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