Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My journey

I've spent the last 12 months on a journey to the other side of the world
This journey has led me on amazing paths, discoveries, and spiritual reawakenings

Looking back, this IA couldn't have come at a better time in my life..
I was lacking in my faith with God
I was hurting over a love lost
And on a serious quest to find me...to discover who I was beyond
Someones girlfriend, a mom, an officer....
To discover who I was outside of all the other roles I play in my life

First and foremost, I am a mom
I know this...
I am a United States Naval Officer
I am a law school student
A tenant, a consumer..

All these roles and responsibilities come with a certain responsbility and stereotype to live up to
Standards of conduct, something that everyone has different expectations for you to meet..

I have never met Tanya...simply...Tanya
I was a young wife, young mother and very young sailor
As I got older, I was simply a divorcee, a little wiser, yet still busy, mother, and more seasoned Sailor
But thru it all, I was never able to decide on my own expectations, my own desires, me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a decision one that I have made that brought me my children and the loves I have experienced,
There has to be something I am missing?

I have a driven ability to meet and exceed all these expectations, all these responsibilities,
But what I haven't done is figure out my own...
Me.. Who I am without a man..
What I am besides a mother
And what job I want beyond being a sailor

This journey, has been enlightening.
That's not to say I have all the answers, because believe me, I don't think we will ever have all the answers...
I believe I will still have a question of "why" at something.... On my death bed.
What I have gained is this

I am an individual, with my own needs, my own desires and my own expectations - beyond what others have of me
I am strong, independent and driven
I'm a workaholic, I am a perfectionist
A litle obsessive compulsive, cursed with anxieties that I try hard to tame
I love to be loved
I love to love..to make others happy..
I love to succeed, to meet goals,
I want what I want, and don't like anything to get in my way
I'm not materialistic, I'm simple
Give me the attention I need, the little things, little notes, little favors,
Things that you do for me, because you know that I would enjoy it...
It's the little things
I don't like gaudy things..
I am simple, I like small simple jewelry, neutral colors
I like to be taken care of, and vice versa
I like to make my own decisions, my own mistakes..
That's safer..then I only have me to blame, when I am wrong
My trip here has been rewarding careers wise, as well..
This is the first job I have had, where I really truly feel as if I led my team.
I was not micromanaged, I was left alone to be the leader, and led
I never failed my boss, so she never interfered in my office
She respected my opinion as a leader, let me have control of my personnel
And assisted me in breking the barriers my rank held with other senior officers
I was truly a dept head
She was my cheerleader, watching from the sidelines, with full confidence, that I had this...
As I wind up my tour here, I realize that this has been the most rewarding tour of my career
personally and professionally
I am thankful I was given the opportunity to experience this journey
to lead, like a true leader and to discover the realities in my personal life;
the truths about me, defining me as well as see where I need to make improvements;
again, both personally and professionally
This tour has allowed me to see how to become a better parent, daughter, leader and sailor
I have made a difference -
I contributed to the cause, leaving behind a better process in place and improving the job we do here
for Afghanistan
I have seen, through the eyes of my parents and their endless efforts - where I have strayed, and how
to improve my relationship with my children, and my role as a mother
Finally, I have improved me. 

1 comment:

  1. This, my friend, is what I figured from the day I found out you were getting deployed. You've done well, and as a person, let alone a Sailor and servicemember. I, like many others, are proud of you for everything you've accomplished, mainly as a person but as a Sailor too.