18 March 2011
Today has been a day off… An actual day off.. By that I mean, I have not stepped foot in my office, at all today. I know my guys would be proud.. will be proud. As a matter of fact, I think I can hear them singing my praises right now, for not showing my face..
Last night, I watched some more TV – as a matter of fact, I got to watch American Idol.. lol We discovered it comes on TV Thursday and Friday nights, so its been nice to see something that we would otherwise be watching at home.
I slept in until about 11 this morning.. after taking two Melatonin and one of my Celexa’s. It was nice to sleep in..
When I did finally get up, and have my first cup of coffee, I spent the morning packing up another Gorilla box, again minimizing my belongings here, in preps for (1) my move to Myers building and (2) my redeployment. I am now down to about a weeks-worth of things and only what I will need to get me thru until I leave here.
After I accomplished that, I sat and watched the rest of Mistresses (The TV series- much like Desperate Housewife – but an English version). I grabbed dinner to go (as usual) from the DFAC, (Steak and Baked Potatoes) – but couldn’t even finish that.. I haven’t had much of an appetite today, to be honest. I’m sure the 8 cups (total) worth of coffee that I drank this morning, didn’t help.
I’m not quite sure how I am feeling today, to be honest. It’s a mixture between loneliness and just kind of – blah? Not necessarily in a bad way – just simply – quiet.
I’ve said this many times, but it’s true – no matter how surrounded you are by people here (roughly 1,000) in a small confined Compound, I still find myself lonely. I think It’s more, just missing the family, normal life, the routine of home, the “normal” things for day to day life.
I have started to think about what the adjustment is going to be like when I get home. Doing my own laundry again, cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, buying groceries, wondering what to wear daily (after work, of course)… I found it odd when I was in Boston and shopped for a few groceries for my hotel room – it was weird to pay money for all the items I am getting here, for free (of course, at the price of being deployed) – but you know what I mean..
What life will be like to sleep in my own bed, to walk around in my house, to have privacy, to not be freaked out every time I hear an aircraft over head, to not have to hear helicopters in my backyard all day, to not hear the Afghan’s singing their praise over the loud speakers of Afghanistan 5 times a day.
How good it will feel to hold my kids again, to lie next to them in my bed and cuddle with them, like I did the night before I left.. to look into their beautiful faces and see the happiness, to feel their love surrounding me…
It’s not just an emotional loneliness.. it’s a physical loneliness.. (not sexually..) Just being hugged, holding my kids’ hands, there is so much more to love than the emotion of loving. That includes adult relationships, as well as with my kids.
I struggle today with trying to not feel depressed; silly as it sounds, sometimes too much down time, with nothing to do, leaves me feeling alone.. At least at work, I can stay busy, my day goes by quicker and I am that much closer to home.
I know lately, my mom has been worried about me. I know she worries, as I would if it were one of my children were here; it worries her more, though, when I don’t vent to her.. when I don’t talk to her.. although, there are some things, I have learned can keep – and should keep, until they have passed..
For example, the rapes that have been happening in Kandahar, the evening I panicked and thought someone might be breaking in (just to find out it was the damn broom and dustpan that fell) Well, instead of calling her that night, to calm my nerves (which I really wanted to do), I knew it should keep, until I was home. She was worried enough about me being in Kandahar – that was one less worry she needed..
Anyhow, enough self-pity.. LOL
I am going to sink into a movie (“Because I said so…” )
Just pretend I am home, sitting on my couch, sipping a glass of wine with my mom and dad - and cuddled up on the couch with George and the kids surrounding me.
49 days til I leave NKC.