One day..

When I was growing up, we had very little "extras." When I was growing up, my parents struggled just to put enough food on the table; we had powdered milk, corn bread and beans - more often than I care to recount. However, we knew no different and were appreciative that we had food, and clothes (even if they were from good will).

I didn't have Barbies, XBox, a Cell Phone, a color TV, DVD Player....

But what I did have (an old Buffet style stereo/record player), what I did have (my music tapes) - I treasured..

My mom more often said no, then yes. We had curfews and strict check-in times. We were seldom left to our own "running of the neighborhood" - and although we thought them too strict, and quite honestly thought they were the meanest parents ever - in fact, I am grateful that they were my parents

I appreciated everything I had. I always got good grades, started working at 14, and was buying my own clothes, snacks and "extras" - with my own paycheck. I appreciated everything - because not only did my parents work for what they had.. I worked for what I had..

It wasn't until I was a parent, that I understood and appreciated their efforts - beauase it was then I realized that is why I am who I am, that is why I appreciate everything I have, and know that it all came with HARD WORK.

I was never handed anything - I had to baby sit, mow lawns, rake leaves, work the drive thru, make pizzas, and grill fries - if I wanted something.

When I had kids, I had the opportunity to give them what I didn't. I lived with guilt that they didn't have a full time father - I was divorced (one too many times) and they suffered those consequences; I was deployed alot - so out of guilt, out of emotional guilt, I provided as much as possible - thinking it would make up for it;

Unfortunately, I think it had the opposite effect and my kids have never truly had to work for anything. Meaning, their appreciation of value - (physical or sentimental) is lacking. Now, I have taken a stand. Now, I have made it known that I will not suffer the emotional blackmail - the guilt, anymore. It will end.

I have worked my butt off to get to where I am. I am not a money tree - I am not an ATM - I have worked to get to where I am; and if they want what I have (in their futures) they will have to earn it. They will have to work for it. They will have to learn to appreciate each and everything they get - because they will have to work for it, save for it, earn it, or simply be told NO - until they can do it for themselves.

School and work are priorities. With as much as they have already - they have no right to ask for more from me - nor make me feel guilty when I say no.

I'm done feeling guilty. I have done all I know to do. I have done my best. I have worked my way from the bottom - I have earned where I am at.. its now time for them to learn these lessons.

They may hate me - each and every time I say no. They may hate the decisions and priorities I have placed in their lives

- but -

One day, my kids will understand the decisions I make. One day, they will understand that sometimes, things don't work out as planned. One day they will appreciate the fact that I tried; tried to make their lives as happy as possible, even when I wasn't there to share it with them; One day, when they have kids of their owns, they will love and respect me, and understand.

One day...

My journey

I've spent the last 12 months on a journey to the other side of the world
This journey has led me on amazing paths, discoveries, and spiritual reawakenings

Looking back, this IA couldn't have come at a better time in my life..
I was lacking in my faith with God
I was hurting over a love lost
And on a serious quest to find me...to discover who I was beyond
Someones girlfriend, a mom, an officer....
To discover who I was outside of all the other roles I play in my life

First and foremost, I am a mom
I know this...
I am a United States Naval Officer
I am a law school student
A tenant, a consumer..

All these roles and responsibilities come with a certain responsbility and stereotype to live up to
Standards of conduct, something that everyone has different expectations for you to meet..

I have never met Tanya...simply...Tanya
I was a young wife, young mother and very young sailor
As I got older, I was simply a divorcee, a little wiser, yet still busy, mother, and more seasoned Sailor
But thru it all, I was never able to decide on my own expectations, my own desires, me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a decision one that I have made that brought me my children and the loves I have experienced,
BUT
There has to be something I am missing?

I have a driven ability to meet and exceed all these expectations, all these responsibilities,
But what I haven't done is figure out my own...
Me.. Who I am without a man..
What I am besides a mother
And what job I want beyond being a sailor

This journey, has been enlightening.
That's not to say I have all the answers, because believe me, I don't think we will ever have all the answers...
I believe I will still have a question of "why" at something.... On my death bed.
What I have gained is this

I am an individual, with my own needs, my own desires and my own expectations - beyond what others have of me
I am strong, independent and driven
I'm a workaholic, I am a perfectionist
A litle obsessive compulsive, cursed with anxieties that I try hard to tame
I love to be loved
I love to love..to make others happy..
I love to succeed, to meet goals,

I want what I want, and don't like anything to get in my way
I'm not materialistic, I'm simple
Give me the attention I need, the little things, little notes, little favors,
Things that you do for me, because you know that I would enjoy it...
It's the little things
I don't like gaudy things..
I am simple, I like small simple jewelry, neutral colors
I like to be taken care of, and vice versa
I like to make my own decisions, my own mistakes..
That's safer..then I only have me to blame, when I am wrong

My trip here has been rewarding careers wise, as well..
This is the first job I have had, where I really truly feel as if I led my team.
I was not micromanaged, I was left alone to be the leader, and led
I never failed my boss, so she never interfered in my office
She respected my opinion as a leader, let me have control of my personnel
And assisted me in breking the barriers my rank held with other senior officers
I was truly a dept head
She was my cheerleader, watching from the sidelines, with full confidence, that I had this...

 

As I wind up my tour here, I realize that this has been the most rewarding tour of my career

personally and professionally

I am thankful I was given the opportunity to experience this journey

to lead, like a true leader and to discover the realities in my personal life;

the truths about me, defining me as well as see where I need to make improvements;

again, both personally and professionally

 

This tour has allowed me to see how to become a better parent, daughter, leader and sailor

I have made a difference -

I contributed to the cause, leaving behind a better process in place and improving the job we do here

for Afghanistan

I have seen, through the eyes of my parents and their endless efforts - where I have strayed, and how

to improve my relationship with my children, and my role as a mother

 

Finally, I have improved me. 

 

4 April 2011 - The French Hospital

4 April 2011
It has been a rough few days here…
Friday I went to medical because I was having some pains, very symptomatic of a cyst, but a little more painful. It started Thursday night, and by Friday morning was giving me some pretty good pain, my blood pressure was up, my heart rate was high and I was very nauseous. I ended up throwing up, Anyhow, I went to medical, they immediately put me on IV’s and ran some blood tests to ensure it wasn’t my appendix. After a full exam, it seemed obvious that it was my ovary, not appendix. The Doctor here wanted to ensure I didn’t have a twisted ovary, so he sent me to the French hospital to get an Ultra Sound. So after about an hour, I was Medevac’d to KIA French Hospital.

Fortunately, Trisha came with me.. which was a blessing!! OMGosh..

When I got there, they took out the IV, and drew blood from the other arm.. (Maybe they don’t trust the US medical?? LOL) Anyhow, then brought in the Ultra Sound machine, after forcing me to fill my bladder (which would’ve been easier through the IV… just sayin..)

Anyhow, the diagnosis.. 3.5 by 3.5cm cyst that was hemorrhaging. Now, I have a history of cysts.. but never a history of bleeding cysts.. I had a cyst and it was bleeding internally to my ovary.. it was definitely painful – but fortunately, before I left my medical office, they had given me a shot of toradol and morphine. I was not in any pain… until several hours later, when the meds wore off..

Anyhow, after the ultra sound, the French Dr said he wanted to keep me in observation – I was originally told.. overnight.. but that changed to 2 nights.
Anyhow, I was taken back to a room (it was the isolation room; I can only assume I was back there because I was the only female patient? )

I was brought back there – dropped off, and not spoke to again for about 15 hours.. No Doctor came to see me, no nurse, no one to tell me what was going on, no vitals.. NOTHING. NOTHING for 15 hours. I had to go to the desk that night to try and convay I was in pain and needed pain meds..

I was given something that made me sleepy.. but did NOT take away the pain..
The next morning, the Doctors did their rounds at 0800 – that is when I found out I was being kept for (observation) for another night.. What kind of observation was this?? I don’t get it..

I woke up at about 440am.. after not having slept much.. being in pain all night. And basically woke up crying.. and in pain.. I ended up calling my boss to get some help.. these guys weren’t talking to me.. couldn’t understand me.. and it was extremely frustrating..

Anyhow, again, I was pretty much alone, until the next day. I was able to convey I wanted meds, and a blanket.. but.. that was about it..

Ultimately I was released the next morning – but they did not do a follow up blood test, no follow up ultra sound.. nothing.. I needed to get out of there.. those guys were only giving me Motrin and Tylenol.. and after having Toradol and Morphine at my base…

Fortunately there was an American Dr that came in and helped me out..

Finally, I was released Sunday morning, and came back here to NKC. My doctor here gave me some real meds, put me on 48 hours bed rest.. and here I am. I think the anti-inflammatories are working wonders and suspect I will be back to work tomorrow.. the pain is mostly bearable and not near as bad as it was the first few days..

Besides.. I am a horrible patient and hate to be strapped down to my bed, so to speak..

I am glad to be out of there and back at work!

18 March 2011

19 March 2011

 

Last night, I went to bed about 2200.  But by midnight, I was woke up by mother nature – which really sucks.. because going outside, to go pee.. seems to instantly wake you up.. although, last night, it wasn't the cold air that woke me up. 

As I headed back in to my room, as I opened the door – my roommate sat up in her bed, yelled out "Who's there? What's going on? What are you doing?"

 

Now – let me tell you, when I left, she was fast asleep.. and I mean snoring.. when I walked back in the room – to be greeted like that – was the LAST thing I expected. 

I guess I shouldn't have told her about the rapes in Kandahar.. that had her on edge.  I truly think had she had her gun, I would've been shot.. I shook me up – her reaction. 

 

After that, I could not go back to sleep until bout 130sih/2.  Errrgh.. I tossed and turned, trying to get my adrenaline to unwind.  I finally did fall back asleep and was successful at getting up at 0600 this morning. 

 

I got up in time for breakfast, but as soon as I smelled the food, discovered my stomach was still nauseas.  It has been that way all day.. it kinda sucks.. 

 

After my MSgt pulled an "intervention" of sorts, I made an appointment with the Chaplain today.  Although it is no big surprise how I have been feeling, as I talk about it daily with the crew I work with.  If I can't talk about the issues I am having, how can I expect them to come to me, with the same?

 

It was actually good to talk to the Chaplain.  She gave me some good input and made me see that honestly, what I am going through, is normal for anyone having been put in my scenario, just like many others that are put in situations, and jobs which is full of death and injury 24/7.

 

I think we both agreed that no matter how much I have compartmentalized, my compartment is over flowing.. so, time to let go of some of the burdens I have been carrying – time to let go.  As she put it: Imagine the reports I have processed were like pebbles on the road – and as I have gone thru it, I have picked those up, some I have put right back down, others I have continued to carry with me; but – as she said, at some point, I need to be able to let them go.

 

Today has been another busy day – 3 people killed today.. 2 of them by trusted local nationals – that turned.. it's pretty sad, and definitely makes you leery.

 

Anyhow, not much else, had to do a bunch of statistics today for the casualties since USFOR-A stood up.. that literally took the whole day.

 

 

Well, its now 10pm, I have put in my 15 hour day and this girl is going to bed.

Night all, lots of love to all!

 

Friday - OFF

18 March 2011

Today has been a day off… An actual day off.. By that I mean, I have not stepped foot in my office, at all today. I know my guys would be proud.. will be proud. As a matter of fact, I think I can hear them singing my praises right now, for not showing my face..

Last night, I watched some more TV – as a matter of fact, I got to watch American Idol.. lol We discovered it comes on TV Thursday and Friday nights, so its been nice to see something that we would otherwise be watching at home.

I slept in until about 11 this morning.. after taking two Melatonin and one of my Celexa’s. It was nice to sleep in..

When I did finally get up, and have my first cup of coffee, I spent the morning packing up another Gorilla box, again minimizing my belongings here, in preps for (1) my move to Myers building and (2) my redeployment. I am now down to about a weeks-worth of things and only what I will need to get me thru until I leave here.

After I accomplished that, I sat and watched the rest of Mistresses (The TV series- much like Desperate Housewife – but an English version). I grabbed dinner to go (as usual) from the DFAC, (Steak and Baked Potatoes) – but couldn’t even finish that.. I haven’t had much of an appetite today, to be honest. I’m sure the 8 cups (total) worth of coffee that I drank this morning, didn’t help.

I’m not quite sure how I am feeling today, to be honest. It’s a mixture between loneliness and just kind of – blah? Not necessarily in a bad way – just simply – quiet.

I’ve said this many times, but it’s true – no matter how surrounded you are by people here (roughly 1,000) in a small confined Compound, I still find myself lonely. I think It’s more, just missing the family, normal life, the routine of home, the “normal” things for day to day life.

I have started to think about what the adjustment is going to be like when I get home. Doing my own laundry again, cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, buying groceries, wondering what to wear daily (after work, of course)… I found it odd when I was in Boston and shopped for a few groceries for my hotel room – it was weird to pay money for all the items I am getting here, for free (of course, at the price of being deployed) – but you know what I mean..

What life will be like to sleep in my own bed, to walk around in my house, to have privacy, to not be freaked out every time I hear an aircraft over head, to not have to hear helicopters in my backyard all day, to not hear the Afghan’s singing their praise over the loud speakers of Afghanistan 5 times a day.

How good it will feel to hold my kids again, to lie next to them in my bed and cuddle with them, like I did the night before I left.. to look into their beautiful faces and see the happiness, to feel their love surrounding me…

It’s not just an emotional loneliness.. it’s a physical loneliness.. (not sexually..) Just being hugged, holding my kids’ hands, there is so much more to love than the emotion of loving. That includes adult relationships, as well as with my kids.

I struggle today with trying to not feel depressed; silly as it sounds, sometimes too much down time, with nothing to do, leaves me feeling alone.. At least at work, I can stay busy, my day goes by quicker and I am that much closer to home.

I know lately, my mom has been worried about me. I know she worries, as I would if it were one of my children were here; it worries her more, though, when I don’t vent to her.. when I don’t talk to her.. although, there are some things, I have learned can keep – and should keep, until they have passed..

For example, the rapes that have been happening in Kandahar, the evening I panicked and thought someone might be breaking in (just to find out it was the damn broom and dustpan that fell) Well, instead of calling her that night, to calm my nerves (which I really wanted to do), I knew it should keep, until I was home. She was worried enough about me being in Kandahar – that was one less worry she needed..

Anyhow, enough self-pity.. LOL
I am going to sink into a movie (“Because I said so…” )
Just pretend I am home, sitting on my couch, sipping a glass of wine with my mom and dad - and cuddled up on the couch with George and the kids surrounding me.

49 days til I leave NKC.

17 March 2011

17 March 2011

Happy St Patty's Day

 

Last night, I took my Melatonin – yay.. which means I DID get some sleep.. I was definitely tired after the last few nights of minimal sleep.

 

I think it was about 2300 give or take, before I laid down.  I watched an episode of Mistresses, then read some more of LUKE for about 15 minutes – and by the time I fell asleep is was after Midnight.  When I did finally get up, it was after 0900.

 

When I came in this morning, I finally decided to go to Medical.  I needed them to know about my lack of sleep.. Of course, when I told them the reason I was in there.. the first response was "Join the CJOA" (CJOA- standing for Combined Joint Operating Area Forces) basically, it was saying – Join the Club.

 

I sat and talked with the MAJ about what could be the cause, etc;  I  am pretty sure I know what triggered it – upon my return from my TDY – after I finally got my sleep pattern on schedule (8 days) – then; things started ramping up here at the Casualty Cell.  In a matter of 2 days – we had 2 suicides, about 4 KIAs and 1 Negligent Discharge – which cause a guy to kill his best friend.. just 6 hours prior to their redeployment.  Anyhow, I am usually pretty good at compartmentalizing, and really not letting these incidents affect me, but, that day – that particular 48 hours was pretty tough. 

 

The lack of sleep, coupled with the increase of incidents, just causes more issues.. and I was really starting to feel depressed..

 

I am so close to finally being home, and yet as exciting as that was; I was just continuously in a "funk."  So- today, I got all this documented, and checked to make sure the Melatonin I was taking is okay for me.

 

I also had them give me some Celexa.. its an Anti-Depressant/Anti-Anxiety.  I need something that will make my brain sleep at night; something that will stop the visions of this young boy (19 yr old) practicing his drills in his tent, when his best friend walked in – and the same young guy, pulled the trigger – killing his best friend.. just hours before their redeployment..  I just want t the visions of the young Soldier, walking back from a foot patrol, pulling his weapon out and shooting himself – out of my head..

The sad part is, I have done so well – in the last 10 months with compartmentalizing this, with not letting it affect me, but, unfortunately, those couple days were tough.. and have stuck with me.. There were really only 2 other incidents since I have been here that really affected me; but, not to this point.  Maybe it's just a combination, all of them, stacking up.. who knows.. but, hopefully, the Celexa will help put my mind at east and block the stupid visions that block my sleep.

 

It's funny because for the most part, while you're going thru this (while I have been going thru this) you put a smile on your face.. still say "Good Morning" to people, still answer back :Good, an you" when they ask how you are..

But on the inside, you simply feel in a bit of a fog, a bit depressed, and even with all those people around, a lot lonely.  Somehow, the closer to home I get, the more that loneliness seeps in.. Again, hopefully the Celexa will ease my mind, and put me back on track.

 

Don't get me wrong, people… I haven't lost my mind, I have not gone crazy, nor am I any danger to myself or others.. LOL I am simply venting about the things we go thru, the things we deal with, and the steps we have to take- to make sure we go home in one piece (mentally and physically).

 

So – first step, .. knowing I have a problem

(Which I have had now, and self-medicated for 3 weeks)

Next step – asking for help.. which I am getting.

 

Do I like advertizing that I have to take an anti-depressant.. or an anti-anxiety –

NO.. But, it's either that, or live the rest of my time here, miserable, depressed and non-functionable, I would rather not.

 

That's it.  That's all I have for today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updates: 13-15 March

13 March 2011

 

After some long days and lack of sleep, I have been taking the Melatonin.  Tonight, for whatever reason, I had the urge to read… of all books, my bible . Yes, I flipped through my bible, until something stopped me, anything, a sign that  I was in the right place to read.. I spent about an hour reading a story – and then flipped thru one last time, to find some encouraging words..

I stopped at John 14: 1-4.  After bookmarking that page, I laid my head down and slept quite sound.

 

14 March 2011

Kandahar… again… again…

 

So, off to train yet another unit, in Kandahar.  I left for Kandahar, on what was probably one of the smoothest travel times.  I arrived in Kandahar and was put in the MOD berthing, which is far better than the tents!!! The Benefit – INDOOR PLUMBING!!

 

                It wasn't until after I arrived that I found out the water was out.. LOL of course.. J

Not only did I discover there was no water, I was informed by all the residents that there have been an influx of rapes lately, and reminded to lock my door, even when I walk down the hall to the bathroom. Nice..

 

I spent that day, after arriving, chilling out in my room and watching movies.  I wasn't due to go train until the following morning around 1100.  So I walked to the Boardwalk (across the street) and had some New York Style Pizza.. and then headed back to my room.

 

                Because I wasn't due to start until later in the morning, I did not take my Melatonin for the evening and stayed up until about 3 am watching movies.

 

 

15 March 2011

 

Training Day

 

I woke up about 9, and fortunately, by then, the water was back on.  I made it over to JSC-A/USFOR-A South building by about 10am.  I conducted the training, and was finished by about 1430. 

 

I walked back to the Boardwalk, picked up some more movies, and then headed back to my room for another movie night – solo. J

 

I watched LIE TO ME – Season 3.  At about 2300 last night, I heard jets over head, at what seemed an impossible low, and close vicinity.  I mean, so loud, it was a little freaky.  Just at that moment, I heard a big bang, crash, in my room.. Now, already freaked out at the low vicinity of the aircraft; this bang, in the darkness of my room, scared me.  I wasn't sure (since it was dark) what it was, or if it were someone trying to break in to my room, but I will tell you, my heart leapt out of my throat and I spent about 30 minutes adrenaline still pumping, trying to calm my nerves.

 

Fortunately, throughout the night, in between movies, I was reading, once again, the bible.  This time, I found a military edition, small enough to fit in my pocket.  I started reading LUKE; from the beginning, and the funny thing is, this chapter in the scripture, has reeled me in and I have not been able to put it down, during my free time.  I will say, that reading my bible, even if only for about 10 minutes a night, definitely puts my mind a little more at ease, before I sleep. 

 

Anyhow, fortunately, everything was okay last night; I stayed up til about 330am, watching the last of the Lie to Me,  and then woke up at 0630 to get ready for my flight this morning.

The flight went smooth, and my trip back to NKC was fortunately smooth, as well.  So, here I am – back at NKC for another 51 days.