17 March 2011

17 March 2011

Happy St Patty's Day

 

Last night, I took my Melatonin – yay.. which means I DID get some sleep.. I was definitely tired after the last few nights of minimal sleep.

 

I think it was about 2300 give or take, before I laid down.  I watched an episode of Mistresses, then read some more of LUKE for about 15 minutes – and by the time I fell asleep is was after Midnight.  When I did finally get up, it was after 0900.

 

When I came in this morning, I finally decided to go to Medical.  I needed them to know about my lack of sleep.. Of course, when I told them the reason I was in there.. the first response was "Join the CJOA" (CJOA- standing for Combined Joint Operating Area Forces) basically, it was saying – Join the Club.

 

I sat and talked with the MAJ about what could be the cause, etc;  I  am pretty sure I know what triggered it – upon my return from my TDY – after I finally got my sleep pattern on schedule (8 days) – then; things started ramping up here at the Casualty Cell.  In a matter of 2 days – we had 2 suicides, about 4 KIAs and 1 Negligent Discharge – which cause a guy to kill his best friend.. just 6 hours prior to their redeployment.  Anyhow, I am usually pretty good at compartmentalizing, and really not letting these incidents affect me, but, that day – that particular 48 hours was pretty tough. 

 

The lack of sleep, coupled with the increase of incidents, just causes more issues.. and I was really starting to feel depressed..

 

I am so close to finally being home, and yet as exciting as that was; I was just continuously in a "funk."  So- today, I got all this documented, and checked to make sure the Melatonin I was taking is okay for me.

 

I also had them give me some Celexa.. its an Anti-Depressant/Anti-Anxiety.  I need something that will make my brain sleep at night; something that will stop the visions of this young boy (19 yr old) practicing his drills in his tent, when his best friend walked in – and the same young guy, pulled the trigger – killing his best friend.. just hours before their redeployment..  I just want t the visions of the young Soldier, walking back from a foot patrol, pulling his weapon out and shooting himself – out of my head..

The sad part is, I have done so well – in the last 10 months with compartmentalizing this, with not letting it affect me, but, unfortunately, those couple days were tough.. and have stuck with me.. There were really only 2 other incidents since I have been here that really affected me; but, not to this point.  Maybe it's just a combination, all of them, stacking up.. who knows.. but, hopefully, the Celexa will help put my mind at east and block the stupid visions that block my sleep.

 

It's funny because for the most part, while you're going thru this (while I have been going thru this) you put a smile on your face.. still say "Good Morning" to people, still answer back :Good, an you" when they ask how you are..

But on the inside, you simply feel in a bit of a fog, a bit depressed, and even with all those people around, a lot lonely.  Somehow, the closer to home I get, the more that loneliness seeps in.. Again, hopefully the Celexa will ease my mind, and put me back on track.

 

Don't get me wrong, people… I haven't lost my mind, I have not gone crazy, nor am I any danger to myself or others.. LOL I am simply venting about the things we go thru, the things we deal with, and the steps we have to take- to make sure we go home in one piece (mentally and physically).

 

So – first step, .. knowing I have a problem

(Which I have had now, and self-medicated for 3 weeks)

Next step – asking for help.. which I am getting.

 

Do I like advertizing that I have to take an anti-depressant.. or an anti-anxiety –

NO.. But, it's either that, or live the rest of my time here, miserable, depressed and non-functionable, I would rather not.

 

That's it.  That's all I have for today.