Its been a while..

It’s been a while since I have blogged.. I just wasn’t in the mode..

I have made several trips since my last entry, so I will just list them..

Harat, Kandahar, Marmul/Mesar-e-Sharif (MES), Camp Spann

 

Last time I went to Kandahar, I again, got to take a private plane.. it was pretty neat and so much more comfortable than the normal C-17/C-130 flights..

 

My last trip was about a week to MES and Camp Spann.  I travelled with a battle buddy that I met in training (we work together over here) Trisha.  We were able to take our first Blackhawk Helo ride together.. that was pretty awesome!! We again took one coming back..  

 

All these places I travel to, look the same.

 

There are no brilliant colors over here.. it’s almost as if you become color blind, and all the colors you do see are in shades of gray.. I can’t explain it any better than that.  Its funny, most people that I have met and have already re-deployed (gone home) have told me one of the fascinating things is how bright colors are back home.  I think we just get programmed and don’t notice that we are not seeing color in its full capacity, due to the desert colors we regularly see here, and all over theater.  Between the lack of colors, sand and rocks, green grass will be a welcome sight!

 

Due to my job, I am now being required to travel about 4 times a month.  What once used to be a terrifying thought to me, has now become something I depend on, something I can’t wait for – because, quite honestly, the traveling part of my job, makes the time move soo much faster for me.  I have been here almost 7 months now.. gone from home almost 8 months. 

 

I have done a lot in the last month, between the traveling, meeting new people, and setting new goals..

I have met people that I have been working with in theater for quite some time, and it’s always nice to put a face to a name..

 

I have said goodbye to another crew member who redeployed today, trained a new team, and welcomed a new member.

 

(Some of the old.. with the new)

 

MSgt Gardner, SSgt Devi (9/11/2010)

 

SSgt Buske & SSgt Banister

 

 

 

This is my new team as of today.  I will again, say good bye to all of them, except MSgt Tate (far right in the back) before I leave.  He will be here for a while after myself, but the others

Will redeploy home a couple months before I leave.  Its bittersweet when you say good bye – because even though you’ve only worked together for 6 months,

Here, as I have eluded to before, we build bonds much quicker.  Our emotions are on over drive here, everything is heightened when it comes to personal relationships..

People are coming and going every day, people are dying every day, and I think this atmosphere, even here at NKC where the activity is next to null, the bonds are still as intense.

I said goodbye yesterday to a dear friend, whom I did not have near enough time with.  She will definitely be missed!  I am sure, absolutely positive, there will be more good-byes to follow,

Before it’s my turn to leave, I can only hope that I have made a positive impact on other’s lives, as they have had on mine.

 

I am still trying to plan for my trip to Germany and the states… its becoming a major pain in the butt, BUT, it will be well worth it… any time away – where I am not carrying a 9M, wearing ACUs, will be welcome time away. 

 

I have finally gotten over the NKC crud – with a minor cough at night still lingering, but, I believe that will be for the duration.  The Afghans are constantly burning everything.. EVERYTHING from waste to body waste – to provide their heat – during this cold season.. what that means for us, is there is a constant fill of smoke in the air.. almost as if we were breathing in smoke from a fireplace 24/7 – which, we are, its just a lot different material being burnt.. Definitely not healthy for us to breathe in, I’m sure.  I have not been able to kick the cough I caught when I was sick.. Its not near as bad as it used to be, but I don’t foresee it getting better until the cold season is over.   

 

We have been decorating the office spaces.. What originally started as a Door Decorating Contest – well, became more.. Yes.. I am an overachiever – so my office has decorated 4 doors and the entire space in our little corner..

 

 

That is the sum of our holiday spirit.. J That sad thing is, after all that, the COL decided she like our creativity and asked us to do her door too…

Needless to say, our creative juices are drying up and I will be glad to be done with the decorating!

 

 

I will travel again this week… and tell you about it later… but it will be a few locations.. in about a weeks time.. and I will be home in time for Christmas.

 

Its kinda funny, people ask, are you going to be gone for Christmas.. my answer is.. “I’m already gone for Christmas..” so what does it matter.. LOL

Its true – although, this is “Home” for the next 5 months (the last 7) and its funny how we all look at “Home” being the center piece, the stable ground to be at for any and all holidays..

 

Its been a long haul so far.. but I have to say, I don’t regret any of it.  I am looking forward to the next 5 months flying by, I hope, as the first 7 have.

My relief has already been identified and will be in theater sooner than expected.. that is always good news!

 

These last couple weeks have been busier than normal.. Unfortunately there are an average of about 10-14 deaths a week.  Just keep my cell in mind, as you see those Fallen Heroes Reports on TV.  Each and every person you hear about in Afghanistan, we.. my office.. has processed that report and are still processing that deceased case.  It’s a sad reality of war, and sometimes hard to read about, but even harder when we see the reports on TV as well.  It tends to make it more “real” puts a “human” face to a name.. and shows family, friends, emotions, and ceremonies that are difficult to watch, knowing we processed that report.  Its easier processing the reports – without the visual, without the added info, and without putting that face.. to the name.. keep my Casualty Cell Crew in your prayers!

 

I hope everyone out there has a safe and happy holiday season! We all appreciate the support we have been given from all those back at home!

 

 

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: FOUO

A copy of the original message with attachments will be sent with this email.
Subject: So there I was.... (UNCLASSIFIED)
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 2010 19:27:13 +0430
From: Tanya.R.Zinn@afghan.swa.army.mil
To: trzinn@hotmail.com

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: FOUO

                So, there I was, in Kandahar, a dust filled cesspool (literally) filling your nostrils with the unpleasant scent of human feces.  Yes.  We call it.. “The Pooh Pond”

It was day two of my trip, which each day is always anxiety ridden, awaiting for the sirens, attacks, and of course unpleasant odor which fills the air – especially when the wind blows.

Earlier in that day we had an incoming rocket, so the siren sounded, and we made our way to the bunkers.. but that was hours earlier.  Its now 1219, I’m laying on my  rack in the transient tent watching a movie on my iPod, **Boom**! I hear it.. an explosion.. I remove my earphones and listen again, looking down at my watch to see 1220 displayed.  I am thinking to myself “I wonder if the Alarm will sound” or worse yet “How long will it take.” Again, another Boom, and another.. This continues on for about 10 minutes – still no siren, and to my surprise, of all the females in the tent – NOT ONE of them stirred to the noise.  (Except Me).  I look at my watch again and now it’s 1229 – no siren.  Well, siren or not, I can’t lay there hearing explosions that sound like they are just behind my tent, so I quietly, but quickly, without panic, make my way outside.  My first thoughts are – I should call mom.. LOL (Right? .. I know.. I know..) But – I can’t help it.  As I am making my way outside I hear the gun fire.. and I’m not just talking single shots, I mean bursts.. a few of them.. LOUDLY… by now, I’m outside, speed dialing my Mommy.. cold, shivering, scared and just a complete UNEASY feeling washing over me. 

Now, let me remind you I am usually in a location that receives minimal action – certainly not the sounds of explosions nor gunfire… this is not a common occurrence to me, nor am I complacent in ANY way, shape or form.  I am, however, acutely aware of the casualties that come out of Kandahar and the incidents that occur daily..

 

Back to the story at hand… I dial my mom’s number, by now, its silent again.  I swear for the last 12 minutes it was non-stop.. had my mom been on the phone, she would have heard it..

Silence.  My mom answers, asks me what is wrong, I lie and say “nothing” of course, she realizes the time and say “what’s going on, can’t sleep?”  By now, the little girl in me comes out and I just want to cry.. I think I was more scared than I had been, since arriving in theater, and it was NOT a pleasant feeling.  So, I spew out to my mom, without thinking about her worry – and tell her what I heard, but that apparently its nothing to worry about because NO ONE stirred, no alarm sounded, and all was now quiet – However, I wasn’t going to trust anyone else’s complacency and made my way to the bunker.  We chatted, worriedly making small talk.. and I realize at this point it seems all clear on my end, but I probably sent a WORLD of worry my mom’s way.. and knew that when I hung up, she would worry through my night, and until she heard from me again.

 

Its crazy how we spend our whole young adult lives trying to get away from our parents, but once we are adults, wish we could make the appear in a snap..

 

Anyhow, so, my mom makes small talk with me for about 20 minutes, until my nerves unwind… and I feel a little more relaxed.. so we say our goodnights and NOW I am feeling REALLY bad and extremely guilty for calling her and now making her worry..
 

I lay in my rack, once again, this time a little more nervous..but eventually fall asleep…

The next morning, I make it in to the office and ask all – “Did you guys hear the explosions and gunfire last night”

To which the Major replies “Yeah- they just opened up a range over there a couple nights ago”

 

Yea… would’ve been nice to have some warning?

New day

I had a talk with GOD today...
A long much needed talk

I asked him to please help me...
To ease my burdens and heal the pains that were aching in my heart

I cried for a while last night, a relief, quite honestly
A stress relief, an emotional release

It's been a while since I've had a good cry
I felt so alone, I felt so sad
Yet I couldn't understand why

Why something so small, seemed so huge...
But, then I realized, as previously mentioned...
Out here, our emotions are on over drive,
Everything is heightened,
From your sense, your awareness, to your emotions
And sometimes, even the smallest of disappointments can seem like the biggest
Something, that if, quite honestly, had happened back home, wouldn't have been a big deal, seemed like the biggest of let downs...
But, it was not, it is not, and I just had to realize that
I can't control everything..( yeah, I know..big surprise...)
Imagine my disappointment..lol
Really tho, I just had to take a step back, and realize why I am feeling the way I am, and what was really the cause..
It wasn't that minor disappointment, rather than the reality of missing home,
Missing a normal life, (heck..missing civilian clothes....wine.....) did I mention wine? Yea, I miss that too..lol

Life is strange here for me...there are many days I feel soo grateful,
Because I know I have already made a difference here, no matter how small in comparison to those risking their life out in the fields,
I know, I have made a difference for them...I feel appreciated by my boss, which I am very thankful for and appreciated by many others for the work I provide, the work I do, the things I see, and deal with and the things I have created and done to streamline the proccess so that Every fallen hero is taken care from from the first steps in the process immediately following their injury or death.
I feel blessed to be a part of something that can and does make that difference. I know that what I have done here, so far, has already made a lasting impact that will be further reaching even after I redeploy. I have seen things, I will never want to see again, I have read reports for our heroes, that will haunt me till the day I die...but has made me much more grateful with abetted understanding of what we all go thru, and knowing that it could be any of us here...and I am lucky.

Then there are days, that work aside, I feel lonely..the kind of lonely that work achievements can not fix...
And when I feel that, I have learned that really, a good cry, a few vented emotions, and a long talk with GOD heals my wounds...holds me tight, and peals away the lonely layers that try to smother me..

When I woke up this afternoon, these great words came to my head...
So I wanted to share them with you..


Turn over your fears, let go of your tears
I will bear the pain
For you, my love, are in my heart
From the moment you knew my name

Give me your troubles, push away your doubts
And i will lead the way
Tomorrow, my child, will be brand new
A bright, and loving day

Randomness

Randomness

This last week has been pretty busy. I started crocheting again, making some things for the babies here in the local hospitals, and will eventually travel to deliver the things we have made. It feels worthwhile. ;)

Friday, I received an email from the states, requesting me to attend a big exercise for casualty personnel, in Massachusetts. I was pretty excited about this, because I was requesting to go and train the trainers in Ft Jackson, SC, because we have HR personnel that are showing up, without enough training for this job. So, we are revamping their training pipeline. In the interim, I have been asked to present my casualty seminar to more than 700 HR folks during a big annual exercise they conduct. Training 30 people, is a great feeling, training 700 is an outstanding and exciting offer, that of course I could not refuse.

This week I also spent training a new group of casualty team members that will be reporting for our southern units. Subsequently, I was asked to travel down there and assist them with their setup and database they will be using (the one I created back in July). This is also a definite plus for me, in that General Petraeus likes my database, likes the reports he sees from it and therefore wants all the other units to use it as well, to maintain continuity. So, I will spend about a week in Kandahar, helping them out, and then go back to do some more training for the other units. ;)

Last night was Halloween. There were about 10 of us who dressed up, initially, then, the navy ( go navy!) put on a haunted house, that was definitely the hit of the night. It was a great morale booster, to feel normal for a brief moment in our extended time here. It was nice that even in a war zone, we can have a taste of home.

4 Nov 2010

As for me, I'm not feeling so great tonight...lots of stuff goin on upstairs, feeling a little lonely and missing my family, home and friends. I'm quite sad tonight, as I sit out here on my Friday night, (i know its only Thursday) with nothing better to do than blog...for a brief moment, I fit in, I felt like I belonged some where, but tonight, I'm not feeling that... Tonight, the chaos of life, work and social networking has caught the best of me, and quite honestly, it's brought me to tears...maybe I just need a good cry...maybe I just need to get that stiff upper lip, and not let something bother me soo much...

But somehow, it has....

Somehow it's gotten in my head, and I cant help but feel it, and the sadness it is bringing me...
I know, my friends will all say, it's ok, I can hear their remarks now, but the fact of the matter is..they are not here, living my life.. And I know they mean well, but, unfortunately those words of wisdom, those truths I need to hear, just aren't enough tonight, and my heart hurts...

Karma is a bitch... Because just when you think you have it figured out, and things start to get good, things start to look up, reality slaps me...and brings me back down to my reality...

My only question is why... Why not just let me be...let me be in peace... Karma...she's an ass kicker and my ass is sore already... I need a break...

I know..time heals all wounds and I have been blessed to find some peace here,with the one pain that was ever present..
I have been blessed that my heart was able to let go...and move forward....after a long period of grief.... My heart has mostly healed...
I am thankful that I was finally able to move beyond that..

Yet still, here I sit tonight, my head hung low, my heart feeling heavy and my emotions running high..

Loneliness.

A tall, dark empty space somewhere inside that continues to try and reel me in.. Every so often it slaps me with it's dooming clouds and sends my emotions in a battle.....sometimes, the dark clouds overcome me....
I think I just need a good cry..lol

I will be fine..I'm just venting... Tomorrow will be better ;)

Being out here kinda puts life in perspective, makes you rethink things you once would never question, makes you realize what you are, or even who you are....funny how when you are separated from all that you love, how it can change you,

For the most part, change is good....reevaluating life in your mid thirties isn't such a horrible thing, it can just get lonely sometimes...
I really miss just chilling out, chatting with friends, with a big glass of wine, and no bigger care in the world than what I was cooking for dinner, or who's homework needed to be done, including my own...

Out here, I feel like I am living two lives....the one back home, that I am not present for... And the one here,
Amongst ore people, in my same predicament, but yet our lives still get intermingled, and they become family here...friends here...
If you think maintenance on a friendship back home is hard, one that you are there for, try maintaining those, as well as the present ones, the ones you are actually present for, here. Who are you real friends...who are these people here...will they continue to be friend once you go home..back to your other reality....
The fact is, the understand like no one else, how your feeling, what your feeling and why you're feeling it...even if it's for no good reason...
They get it...because I think, no matter who will admit it, we all go thru this emotional roller coaster of loneliness...
I don't like this ride..

I'm heading out of town again this weekend, and maybe that's a good thing...get out, get away, and refresh...bury myself in the work that I enjoy doing, teaching...working databases, and just let my loneliness absorb into the dark space it came from...

I will win this battle...I do every time...I will every time...

COIN

Camp Julien -COIN Training

We left about 9ish for Camp Julien. After a trip that took me thru streets I have never traveled, and sites I have never seen, we arrived. Because of OPSEC I am truly limited on what I say about the camp, its location and the training we went thru. Without giving too much information, I will simply explain that COIN is a training that teaches us about perceptions and appropriate actions to adhere to in order to build better relations with our local population. We learned more about the customs, perception, and culture surrounding us, and the history of Afghanistan and the Taliban. For those that have not seen the national geographic show, Inside the Taliban, I recommend it. this was truly a great history lesson for me, proving how ignorant I was in regards to the history of Afghanistan, Russia, Pakistan and yes, the US. The funny thing is, Katrina was studying this portion of history (which, btw, I do not remember reading about in my history books), anyhow, she was learning about this before I left for Afghanistan, and now, I get it.

Our first day, I got to tour the Queens old palace. There are pictures of the ruins that was once a beautiful adorned palace. It was breathtaking and heartbreaking to see the ruins, to walk thru the historical monument. We took many pictures and then moved on. We went on to start our training. That evening, we broke in time for dinner and went to the local restaurant, where between the four of us, we downed 10 baskets of bread, and four entrees...oh, and let's not forget the nearbeer in many different flavors...which, btw, no matter how bad I miss the slight taste of wine, or liquor, I still detest beer and therefore did not partake in Near beer...I figure if I don't like the real thing, why would I like the fake stuff...lol

Anyhow, after filling our bellies with 10 pounds of yeast, and 3 hours of wining and dining..ok..dining... We were able to just go to bed.. What a concept..we didn't have to eat and then rush back to work for a few more hours..nice change...(yes, people, its the simple things in life...)

The following day we had to get up early to get up to the range and refamiliarize ourself with our weapons... Yes, we got to shoot.. And well, all I can say is what an embarrassment I was to myself that day...I think I drank too much of the DFAC coffee..because I could not get a steady grip...my arms and hands shook like I was Wired... I suppose I was...I even shot twice, trying to make myself feel better, only ending with the same results...I went from sharp shooter to crap shooter...yea.it sucked..no more coffee before the range ( and no, I'm not telling you my numbers)

Later that afternoon, we got to go to the old Russian Officers club, I think I labeled it German, on facebook photos, but I will fix that later..this hike, was Bout a 40 minute hike, up hill the whole way..no, this isn't like the old "5 miles up hill both ways exaggeration" it truly was an up hill hike, about 40 minutes, but the view was absolutely amazing..a full 360 view of the city...mountains surrounding us... I could only imagine how amazing and breathtaking it would be, with a slight layer of snow just atop the mountains..fortunately, the hike downhill felt much better, than the hike up..but definitely worth it.

We once again enjoyed dinner at the restaurant that night, devouring pizzas that were definitely worth the wait ( most people here definitely take their time, with EVERYTHING... They are never in a rush....except for on the roads it seems...so only half like New York...the traffic half..) anyhow, it was good.
Our ride back was definitely a bit more interesting than the ride there...traffic was absolutely INSANE. There are prolly 15 (made up) lanes of traffic, heading in all directions possible, yes, its like playing frogger, except, worse... The one thing I have learned, no lie, is that there is no license required here to drive, no joke, but it definitely explains a lot.

After safely making it back to nkc and wanting to kiss the ground, when I stepped out of the vehicle, I was exhausted. I checked in at the office, setup the refrigerator that Donovan had delivered for me, (thank you for getting it here!) and then went to bed..
After traveling the day at Kandahar, then turning around and heading to Julien the next day, for a few days, I was exhausted.

There you have it... My next trip, promises not to be as exciting as this one, Kandahar never is..
More later

Kandahar - take 3

Kandahar take 3

So this was my third trip to kandahar in the last month..
Except today, was much different.
We had our own puddle jumper..special ops plane and was able to fly out this rning and return this evening...
Which is good for those of you that know how much I hate Kandahar...
Today was the monthly conference, where we..the HQ..travel to e South to give some gouge, reminders, and discuss recurring issues..

We left nkc at 0700 this morning... Arrive in KAF about 11, had several hours to kill so we went to TGIFridays for lunch..
Still not impressive... Really...nothing to write home about..so I I'll shut up..
Afterwards we stopped ( since it was on the boardwalk) the orange julius place, which usually has ice cream like dairy queen..
Usaully is the key word..
Today..it was disgusting..nuff said

I am now on the plane back to nkc...we are running a little later than planned so we are stopping at the pizza hut at the airport and grabbing somme good fast food..their pizza hut tastes like the one in the states...the one good fast food here in this region...

Tomorrow I knead to kcamp julienne for some COIN training..
I will explain it all once I get back.. But needless to say there are some tours involved, great photo ops, and new sites..

This week has been pretty rough on me..
I was seriously sick...down hard...still worked daily, but some days I would leave hours to down some nyquil and try to sleep..and some days I would keep in an extra couple hours, due to the nyquil the night before..but it has been a sinus infection turned in to a cough that I cant seem to kick.. Been sick for a week now...hoping I am on the mend.. Will keep you posted...would be nice to not cough every 5 minutes and not constantly feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure (which, btw, being on this plane....does not help....)

Ok, there's the update until next week..more after COIN..

Kandahar - take 3

Kandahar take 3

So this was my third trip to kandahar in the last month..
Except today, was much different.
We had our own puddle jumper..special ops plane and was able to fly out this rning and return this evening...
Which is good for those of you that know how much I hate Kandahar...
Today was the monthly conference, where we..the HQ..travel to e South to give some gouge, reminders, and discuss recurring issues..

We left nkc at 0700 this morning... Arrive in KAF about 11, had several hours to kill so we went to TGIFridays for lunch..
Still not impressive... Really...nothing to write home about..so I I'll shut up..
Afterwards we stopped ( since it was on the boardwalk) the orange julius place, which usually has ice cream like dairy queen..
Usaully is the key word..
Today..it was disgusting..nuff said

I am now on the plane back to nkc...we are running a little later than planned so we are stopping at the pizza hut at the airport and grabbing somme good fast food..their pizza hut tastes like the one in the states...the one good fast food here in this region...

Tomorrow I knead to kcamp julienne for some COIN training..
I will explain it all once I get back.. But needless to say there are some tours involved, great photo ops, and new sites..

This week has been pretty rough on me..
I was seriously sick...down hard...still worked daily, but some days I would leave hours to down some nyquil and try to sleep..and some days I would keep in an extra couple hours, due to the nyquil the night before..but it has been a sinus infection turned in to a cough that I cant seem to kick.. Been sick for a week now...hoping I am on the mend.. Will keep you posted...would be nice to not cough every 5 minutes and not constantly feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure (which, btw, being on this plane....does not help....)

Ok, there's the update until next week..more after COIN..