Randomness

Randomness

This last week has been pretty busy. I started crocheting again, making some things for the babies here in the local hospitals, and will eventually travel to deliver the things we have made. It feels worthwhile. ;)

Friday, I received an email from the states, requesting me to attend a big exercise for casualty personnel, in Massachusetts. I was pretty excited about this, because I was requesting to go and train the trainers in Ft Jackson, SC, because we have HR personnel that are showing up, without enough training for this job. So, we are revamping their training pipeline. In the interim, I have been asked to present my casualty seminar to more than 700 HR folks during a big annual exercise they conduct. Training 30 people, is a great feeling, training 700 is an outstanding and exciting offer, that of course I could not refuse.

This week I also spent training a new group of casualty team members that will be reporting for our southern units. Subsequently, I was asked to travel down there and assist them with their setup and database they will be using (the one I created back in July). This is also a definite plus for me, in that General Petraeus likes my database, likes the reports he sees from it and therefore wants all the other units to use it as well, to maintain continuity. So, I will spend about a week in Kandahar, helping them out, and then go back to do some more training for the other units. ;)

Last night was Halloween. There were about 10 of us who dressed up, initially, then, the navy ( go navy!) put on a haunted house, that was definitely the hit of the night. It was a great morale booster, to feel normal for a brief moment in our extended time here. It was nice that even in a war zone, we can have a taste of home.

4 Nov 2010

As for me, I'm not feeling so great tonight...lots of stuff goin on upstairs, feeling a little lonely and missing my family, home and friends. I'm quite sad tonight, as I sit out here on my Friday night, (i know its only Thursday) with nothing better to do than blog...for a brief moment, I fit in, I felt like I belonged some where, but tonight, I'm not feeling that... Tonight, the chaos of life, work and social networking has caught the best of me, and quite honestly, it's brought me to tears...maybe I just need a good cry...maybe I just need to get that stiff upper lip, and not let something bother me soo much...

But somehow, it has....

Somehow it's gotten in my head, and I cant help but feel it, and the sadness it is bringing me...
I know, my friends will all say, it's ok, I can hear their remarks now, but the fact of the matter is..they are not here, living my life.. And I know they mean well, but, unfortunately those words of wisdom, those truths I need to hear, just aren't enough tonight, and my heart hurts...

Karma is a bitch... Because just when you think you have it figured out, and things start to get good, things start to look up, reality slaps me...and brings me back down to my reality...

My only question is why... Why not just let me be...let me be in peace... Karma...she's an ass kicker and my ass is sore already... I need a break...

I know..time heals all wounds and I have been blessed to find some peace here,with the one pain that was ever present..
I have been blessed that my heart was able to let go...and move forward....after a long period of grief.... My heart has mostly healed...
I am thankful that I was finally able to move beyond that..

Yet still, here I sit tonight, my head hung low, my heart feeling heavy and my emotions running high..

Loneliness.

A tall, dark empty space somewhere inside that continues to try and reel me in.. Every so often it slaps me with it's dooming clouds and sends my emotions in a battle.....sometimes, the dark clouds overcome me....
I think I just need a good cry..lol

I will be fine..I'm just venting... Tomorrow will be better ;)

Being out here kinda puts life in perspective, makes you rethink things you once would never question, makes you realize what you are, or even who you are....funny how when you are separated from all that you love, how it can change you,

For the most part, change is good....reevaluating life in your mid thirties isn't such a horrible thing, it can just get lonely sometimes...
I really miss just chilling out, chatting with friends, with a big glass of wine, and no bigger care in the world than what I was cooking for dinner, or who's homework needed to be done, including my own...

Out here, I feel like I am living two lives....the one back home, that I am not present for... And the one here,
Amongst ore people, in my same predicament, but yet our lives still get intermingled, and they become family here...friends here...
If you think maintenance on a friendship back home is hard, one that you are there for, try maintaining those, as well as the present ones, the ones you are actually present for, here. Who are you real friends...who are these people here...will they continue to be friend once you go home..back to your other reality....
The fact is, the understand like no one else, how your feeling, what your feeling and why you're feeling it...even if it's for no good reason...
They get it...because I think, no matter who will admit it, we all go thru this emotional roller coaster of loneliness...
I don't like this ride..

I'm heading out of town again this weekend, and maybe that's a good thing...get out, get away, and refresh...bury myself in the work that I enjoy doing, teaching...working databases, and just let my loneliness absorb into the dark space it came from...

I will win this battle...I do every time...I will every time...