Well, it's Christmas Eve in Afghanistan...and here i sit, thinking about
the year and all that has gone on.
It's has been a learning experience for me...all of it...but as the
new year rolls around, I will talk more about that.
I just returned from traveling to Bagram for the week, where I worked
with my CLT (Casualty Liaison Team), and was fortunate enough to catch a
USO tour with many stars to share the evening with.
It was great.
I returned to NKC, after spending the night in the terminal, as
number 93 on the list for space "A" travelers....after some prayers by
myself and many of you, I returned home to NKC before Christmas..for
that I am blessed to not have to spend this holiday, by myself in
Bagram.
I came home to 6 packages, and lots of Christmas presents to unwrap
tomorrow morning..I am excited..
I will call the kids in the morning my time, with them on speaker
phone I will unwrap my gifts they bought for me..
I am truly blessed by the support and love I have received from my
family and friends back home. Without that this would not be as
bearable.
I have been traveling quite a bit lately and have many more travels
before my time here is done.,
I have met many people, and been bake to put faces to names which also
helps to build better working relationships...thank you.
I have grown a bit since being here..
In both my spiritual life, and my personal life.
I left the states carrying a heart break that I thought for sure was
so bad, that I would not get over it...
Time does heal all wounds, and so do friends.
For most of my friends, you know what I am eluding to...and thank you
for those long nights of listening to me repeat myself, cry and just be
a depressing person..
I left with the hopes that upon my return I would be healed, wiser
and more mature in the decisions I make and relationships I enter
into..
I think it's working..
I have moved on with a renewed sense of confidence, and a stronger mind.
For the first time in my life, I feel different.. In ways that it much
too deep to talk about in a public blog, but, suffice it to say, the
heartbreak I experienced, opened my eyes, and
hopefully put an end to the continual cycle I was putting myself thru.
I think, I have learned what "I love you" means, far from the
emotional need, or passionate need to say it..
What was once a phrase I so easily gave a way, has now become one that
I hold near and dear and have dared not say it in the past year and a
half..or so..What once would've been a situation in which I accepted things so
simply, has now become one that I have learned to treasure..
I love you, is not simply about love...it's not about that emotional
high you have, that euphoric phase you go thru..
I love you means you are committed to that individual, you are
available to that person, and comes with it a responsibility to act
accordingly..with love, when truly loving someone, you act out of
that love..
It's not forced, its not demanded, it just IS.
Maybe I'm jaded, and have a screwed up sense of love and happily ever
after, but I will tell you, trusting my heart, has not worked...
But trusting my heart, in conjunction with listening to my brain,
listening to the lessons I have learned from, just may...
This just means my love does not come as easily as it used to...
So maybe what happened, was a blessing in disguise, a life lesson for
my future..and sometimes learning life's lessons aren't easy..
But anything worth keeping (including the integrity of your heart,
mind and soul) does not come easy...life is work. You work at it..you
learn as you go..
And I think I am finally learning and discover the real lesson in this for
what it is..
Something I refused to see last year at this time, or even 6 months
ago, when I was glad to run away from my sorrows..only to learn,
It would follow me..
And it did..
Personal thoughts..
People come in your life for a reason, I truly believe that...
Chris gave me Katrina.. Travis gave me my boys.. George pushed me into
believing in my dreams, allowing me to accomplish my goals, he
believed in me; Dan, made me feel alive, and brought out the wild inner child that was afraid to act, and allowed me to do so...and accompanied me along the
way..He taught me many things about myself, and made me realize that it was
ok to be me..completely me..and loved me for that...just as I was..
everyone who has ever touched my life, because there are many I did.
Not mention, have taught me something about myself, and my life..
I have been loved and blessed... even through the heart-ache.. I took something valuable from each of those relationships...
Each day I think back, as I go thru this journey, and think about what
lessons I was supposed to learn, evaluate whether I had, and then
reevaluate if I had not, in order to now, learn from them...
I am getting there...I am finding me, and then some...
I look at my life, and for the first time, am excited about being
alone...happy about not having complications, moreover, happy that I
realize I don't need a relationship to feel complete in my life.
I am a serial relationship type person...always in one...always
feeling that need to have that..
But have realized I can survive just fine wihtout...is it nice..yes..
Do I want and like to be in a relationship, yes..But then I think about where I am at in life, and how freeing life has been to be on my own (with my kids of course) and realize I am just fine.. Having someone to share that with is nice...but not necessary...
Life is good..
Life is good.
A New Year... Already
So 2010 is officially gone.. I have been in theater for almost 8 months, with lots of rewarding stories, triumphs, successes and of course
failures...
Considering where I am at, and the job I am doing, I had a great holiday season. Now, however, its time to look ahead... continue to push forward
and plan for my future upon my return home...
I am very grateful to have been given the opportunity to do what I am doing. As I told George in an email to him.. this has ABSOLUTELY been the best
tour, most rewarding tour I have ever had.. I feel like I am part of the fight.. I feel like the training I am doing, the database I created, is making a positive
change for those in theater, and for those to come. Am I winning the war on terrorism... No.. nor do I even think I am involved in that part of the fight, BUT
I am making life a little less complicated and a little more efficient for those that come in theater to do casualty reporting, as well as my relief..
WHO by the way... should be here by end of April. Month by month there is something to look forward to, something to use as the next focal point for time to pass...
This month, my trip to Germany and then Massachusetts.. by the time I get back it will be end of February.. I will spend most of March traveling, April my relief arrives in Theater and from there its turnover time, baby.. and the rest.... is gravy..
As much as I love my job here (not the morbidity of it...) the challenge...
I still miss home.. my family.. my children.. my normal life...
Whats funny.. is that all my life.. all my adult life in the Military.. there was always the saying.. no matter where you were at..
"This ain't the real Navy..."
Let me tell you.. we find ourselves even saying that here...
"This isn't real life.." Our lives are on hold while here... at least our end.. our families back home.. there life has continued.. they have learned how to survive without us.. they have moved on.. they are not at a stand still..
here.. we are at a stand still in our personal lives.. yet our daily MILITARY lives.. continue to go on..
That being said... EVERYWHERE we are at... is real life.. it is what you have to deal with during the time you have to deal with it..
The whole "This isn't the real Navy... " is wrong.. It is all real... Just different..
This, altho we feel it makes us put our life on hold.. is real life.. its as real as it gets the minute we walk outside the wires.. the minute you arrive in theater.. IT IS as REAL as it gets for the military.. your life is on the line everyday.. even at the safest of camps/fobs/compounds...
I am grateful GOD has blessed me everytime I travel.. allowing me to do my job..
I am grateful I have had some time for me.. to discover a little bit more.. about me..
I am grateful that I have been able to move beyond some of the heartaches I brought with me..
and hopeful the scars will someday diminish over time..
I am grateful I have family to support me, my parents to take care of my children so that they did not have to be uprooted.. again
My friends that have been a constant source of support
My family here, the bonds we have made, the experiences we share, and the daily motivation we provide.
I am grateful I have been able to provide my own footprint.. however small.. in theater.. in this war..
I will be glad to get home to NOT have to deal with:
I will be glad to not have to put on sweat pants, a jacket and my flip flops to walk outside.. to use the bathroom in the middle of the night
I will be glad to not have to carry my entire bathroom toiletries outside, to said bathroom to shower every day.. twice a day..
I will be glad to not have to carry a 9MM around with me every where I go.. and panic if I don't feel it on my body..
I will be glad to not inhale the smoke from burning tires, plastic, fecies, and numerous other unhealthy items... anymore..
I will be glad that at home.. when I smell like a BBQ everynight.. it will be becuase I was ACTUALLY BBQing everynight..
I will be glad to have actual silverware and plates.. rather than plastic ware and styrofome trays
I will be glad to jump in the shower barefoot..to have a bathtub again..
to have a tall glass of wine.. a shot of anything that is liquor.. feel the mind numbing buzz .. just for a minute... lol
To walk on carpet.. to see grass... to not have to listen to the AFGHAN singers over the GINORMOUS speakers singing 5-6 times a day - a sound.. that my dog.. if I had one.. would howl to everytime..
I will be glad to not hear helicopters sounding like they are going to land on top of me.. 5 times a day..
I will be glad to not panic everytime I hear a plane/jet engine taking off or landing..
I will be glad to not have to use bottled water to brush my teeth...
I will be glad to get back to a normal route/day... instead of 16 hours days...
I will be glad to see a weekend.. and know its supposed to mean you are off work... not just view it as another day of the week..
HOWEVER, having said all that...
I will miss having work 5 minutes from my room...
I will miss the bonds and friendships I have made while here..
short list.. I know.. LOL
I am sitting at work, watching DVD sets of every season of Brothers and Sisters ever made... with my crew..
and blessed...
Blessed to be alive.. and well.. and "Living the Dream" so to speak...
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