After the way things have gone and all the advice I am giving out.. it made me realize how lucky I am to have the relationship with my mom that I always wanted. It took some troubling teenage years as well... and getting into adulthood, before we were able to patch our relationship up.
Since then, she has been one of my best friends. This morning, I decided to remind her of that with an email to wake up to:
In case I haven't told you lately, I want to remind you how incredibly lucky I am to have you as a mom. I know we went thru my teen years as well, and it took until I was an adult for us to work thru the issues We had. But I am so grateful that we did and I am very grateful to have you. I love the relationship that We share. It is the kind of relationship I dreamed we would have, when I was younger. I always wanted You as my best-friend. Someone I could
call 5 times a day and it would be okay. Someone I could talk to About anything with no judgments.. (most of the time :)) and someone that will be honest with me when I might be taking the wrong path, or just on the wrong side of the road, period. Thank you. Thank you For always supporting me, even when you didn't want to or didn't agree. And thank you for taking care Of the kids while I am deployed. Thank you in advance for the drama that will surely follow throughout the Year, and the stressed out days that might follow as well. I love you. Thank you for being my mom.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Letter #2
DAY TWO Of not really talking to Katrina - or really.. just not letting her BS me. I have called to tell her goodnight and I love her.. but won't let it go any further than that.
I know she is not ready to discuss this like an adult. I know she is still to upset, defensive and has excuses coming out of her ears she is ready to feed to me.. BUT I am not listening.
I am hoping some words of hopeful wisdom.. some motherly advice, will help get her back on track. I figure it will be a few days at a minimum, before I am ready to talk to her about the other night... We'll see.
In the interim, I sent her an email, reminding her of the important things in life. The things that matter, the things that will mold her into the young woman I know she will become:
Good morning, I hope you slept well.
I want you to know that I love you. I may be disappointed and hurt by
your actions, but I still love you. I want you to be the best person you can be, and
right now, you are not heading in that direction. I want you to be honest with
yourself and think about the people that you have hurt. Instead of thinking about the pain
you are in, because I won't talk to you about it - think about the crazy drama you
brought to Aunt Tammys house this summer, the undue stress you put on her, Uncle
Mike, Dylon and your brothers. Think about your actions and how they affect
others around you. Think about how Grandma & Papa felt and how I felt, when we knew
you were no where to be found.
Instead of thinking of reasons why you did it, or justifications to make
it all better, accept, understand and know that you were wrong. On all
accounts. Your actions. You need to take responsibility for your actions. When
you do that, I should not hear anything about how you were feeling or how you thought
this - we should be hearing how truly sorry you are to have caused so much pain
and drama this summer to everyone around you and involved.
You need to think about the friends and family outside that house that
you used. Friends and family that you manipulated. Aunt Kathy for one. She has
loved you from day one and you tried to use her. You tried to abuse your
relationship with her, for your benefit. When you do things like that - that is how you lose
friends. That is how you lose support. You are lucky to have her and you basically made
her realize you were just using her. That is no way to treat anyone. You need to
take responsibility for the manipulations you have created between you and everyone around
you. You need to take responsibility for the crappy way you have treated your brothers.
You are lucky to have them. I understand most siblings have sibling rivalry - but Katrina
you go too far. You walk all over them and treat them as if they don't deserve to
breathe the same air as you.. they don't deserve that. Its their job to be irritating, just
as its your job to be bossy as the older sister.. but you take it too far and you need
to start understanding that its those boys, your brothers that will have your back as you
get older. The more you abuse them now, the less likely you will be to have them
at your side when you truly need them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them. Don't ruin that... before you even get the chance to truly appreciate them.
I'm not saying you are solely to blame for everything that is happened..but you are
to blame for your actions. You - of all people - need to take care of you.
What was it you told me once "I have standards, Mom" So have those standards, raise them and understand that YOU are the keeper of your body. It is the ONLY body you will get. If YOU abuse it, or allow others to ABUSE it, you will end up feeling abused and lonely. You will end up with the reputation that no girl wants and most of all - you will lose yourself!
YOU should have standards. You should set the bar soo high that it is almost unreachable, because that is what you deserve. Not a one or two week fling that turns to sex and then the whole thing disappears. SEX is an adult act, one that you are not ready for. It takes an emotional toll and can really mess up your psychee if you aren't careful. You should not be having intimate relations with anyone until you know you LOVE him and he LOVES and respects you and you are going to have a future together! At 15 - that is not going to happen honey, no matter what you think and how much you may "like" someone. It won't be forever, and therefore you should be saving yourself! Save your self for someone who deserves you. Not many that just claim to like you..and then toss you aside when they are done..
You deserve better than that, and therefore should EXPECT more. NO LESS! Please take this to heart, and really listen to what I am saying. I know you will make mistakes along the way, but I just want to help you minimize those mistakes, therefore minimizing the damage.
Life is about so much more than this. This - the trouble you are in, the lying, the boys. Life is about having a dream and following it. Being successful is not necessarily about how many boyfriends you've had, how many friends you have ... truly successful means aspiring to something and accomplishing it. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. That is what truly fills your heart. The rest of life, love and everything else, will fall in to place as it does, as you walk that path to accomplishing your goals. AND when that happens, if it deters you from your dreams, it is not right. Someone who truly loves and respects you will support you in your dreams and help you accomplish them. That will come later. Don't rush love. Don't rush life. Don't be in such a rush to be a grown up - that you forget to enjoy your high school years.
That's enough for now.
I love you.
Mommy
I know she is not ready to discuss this like an adult. I know she is still to upset, defensive and has excuses coming out of her ears she is ready to feed to me.. BUT I am not listening.
I am hoping some words of hopeful wisdom.. some motherly advice, will help get her back on track. I figure it will be a few days at a minimum, before I am ready to talk to her about the other night... We'll see.
In the interim, I sent her an email, reminding her of the important things in life. The things that matter, the things that will mold her into the young woman I know she will become:
Good morning, I hope you slept well.
I want you to know that I love you. I may be disappointed and hurt by
your actions, but I still love you. I want you to be the best person you can be, and
right now, you are not heading in that direction. I want you to be honest with
yourself and think about the people that you have hurt. Instead of thinking about the pain
you are in, because I won't talk to you about it - think about the crazy drama you
brought to Aunt Tammys house this summer, the undue stress you put on her, Uncle
Mike, Dylon and your brothers. Think about your actions and how they affect
others around you. Think about how Grandma & Papa felt and how I felt, when we knew
you were no where to be found.
Instead of thinking of reasons why you did it, or justifications to make
it all better, accept, understand and know that you were wrong. On all
accounts. Your actions. You need to take responsibility for your actions. When
you do that, I should not hear anything about how you were feeling or how you thought
this - we should be hearing how truly sorry you are to have caused so much pain
and drama this summer to everyone around you and involved.
You need to think about the friends and family outside that house that
you used. Friends and family that you manipulated. Aunt Kathy for one. She has
loved you from day one and you tried to use her. You tried to abuse your
relationship with her, for your benefit. When you do things like that - that is how you lose
friends. That is how you lose support. You are lucky to have her and you basically made
her realize you were just using her. That is no way to treat anyone. You need to
take responsibility for the manipulations you have created between you and everyone around
you. You need to take responsibility for the crappy way you have treated your brothers.
You are lucky to have them. I understand most siblings have sibling rivalry - but Katrina
you go too far. You walk all over them and treat them as if they don't deserve to
breathe the same air as you.. they don't deserve that. Its their job to be irritating, just
as its your job to be bossy as the older sister.. but you take it too far and you need
to start understanding that its those boys, your brothers that will have your back as you
get older. The more you abuse them now, the less likely you will be to have them
at your side when you truly need them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them. Don't ruin that... before you even get the chance to truly appreciate them.
I'm not saying you are solely to blame for everything that is happened..but you are
to blame for your actions. You - of all people - need to take care of you.
What was it you told me once "I have standards, Mom" So have those standards, raise them and understand that YOU are the keeper of your body. It is the ONLY body you will get. If YOU abuse it, or allow others to ABUSE it, you will end up feeling abused and lonely. You will end up with the reputation that no girl wants and most of all - you will lose yourself!
YOU should have standards. You should set the bar soo high that it is almost unreachable, because that is what you deserve. Not a one or two week fling that turns to sex and then the whole thing disappears. SEX is an adult act, one that you are not ready for. It takes an emotional toll and can really mess up your psychee if you aren't careful. You should not be having intimate relations with anyone until you know you LOVE him and he LOVES and respects you and you are going to have a future together! At 15 - that is not going to happen honey, no matter what you think and how much you may "like" someone. It won't be forever, and therefore you should be saving yourself! Save your self for someone who deserves you. Not many that just claim to like you..and then toss you aside when they are done..
You deserve better than that, and therefore should EXPECT more. NO LESS! Please take this to heart, and really listen to what I am saying. I know you will make mistakes along the way, but I just want to help you minimize those mistakes, therefore minimizing the damage.
Life is about so much more than this. This - the trouble you are in, the lying, the boys. Life is about having a dream and following it. Being successful is not necessarily about how many boyfriends you've had, how many friends you have ... truly successful means aspiring to something and accomplishing it. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. That is what truly fills your heart. The rest of life, love and everything else, will fall in to place as it does, as you walk that path to accomplishing your goals. AND when that happens, if it deters you from your dreams, it is not right. Someone who truly loves and respects you will support you in your dreams and help you accomplish them. That will come later. Don't rush love. Don't rush life. Don't be in such a rush to be a grown up - that you forget to enjoy your high school years.
That's enough for now.
I love you.
Mommy
Saturday, 7 August 2010
So apparently, what I am going through is normal.. whatever that means.
Unfortunately, I thought that I would be lucky, and not have to deal
with this.. I thought "Not my kid" Boy was I kidding myself or what?
I have watched my friends go through this, and thought about how
grateful I was that I wasn't in their shoes.
Now, here I am, smack dab in the middle of the teenage rebellion stage.
I have heard it lasts until adulthood.. woohoo..
How come I wasn't told about this in the owner's manual?
Oh yea, that's because there is none!
So, I learn as I go and try to deal with it from afar. I am fortunate
that I have great family that are doing most of the hard work. Not so
fortunate, that I can't be there to help guide.
Anyhow, it has been a trying week for me.
Throughout it all I appreciate the support I have received from my
friends and family. It is so true that life goes on without you, and no matter
Where you are at. While we are deployed, life continues to go on without us
And things change, evolve, grow and even reek havoc sometimes.
As I stated before, I contemplated about posting something so personal,
when I know my audience does not just consist of my closest interpersonal
ring of Friends. BUT, this blog is about life deployed. This of all things, is
life deployed. Things happen we can't control. Things happen that we can do
absolutely nothing about, but sit anxiously and wait for the outcome. Or simply
have heated conversations from 7,000 miles away - which are never pleasant.
So, I am dealing with it, with the help of family and moving forward.
Onward as they say.
So there are some things that I have done that I, in my tired state,
have failed to mention. I completed the beginner's NKC Dari class. It's a simple 2 week course to teach you basic Dari language and Afghanistan culture. Very informative and nice, in
that we can have Very basic conversation with the Afghan Nationals that work on the base.
For the first time since I have been here I had a massage. It's not like Massage Envy,
But close enough and worth the $10.00 for 30 minutes of back/neck massage. They
Actually do a really decent job. They seem to also be more meticulous with the Eyebrow
Waxing, etc. I was very impressed. Massage and Waxing was $16.00 total. Not bad.
Can't get that in the states :)
I have received several care packages and an grateful to all those that
continue to send little things. Mail here really is like Christmas every day.
We are always wondering who is going to get what... Our office is great! We all
get junk food and snacks and basically keep a community drawer, which between the 7 of us,
has grown to 2 1/2 drawers. :) Its nice!
This week hasn't been near as busy with Casualties as we were last month
this time frame, which is always a blessing. I have a new Deputy and am therefore
working on data analysis And statistics from the database of casualties. It has been long and
tedious because the original trackers did not track near the information we needed for these
reports. So, we are having to back fill about 10,000 records, and then generate
reports, break them down by unit, then by MOS, and so on. Its been a long task, but work in
progress for me and the crew.
The summer is coming to a close for the kids. They will be flying home on Tuesday to get
Settled in and ready for the new school year. I bet they are excited for that.. LOL
My parents are getting settled in the house, after oh - finding out my house was infested with
Some creatures... RATS or RABBITs.. or something.. and they are safe harbored up somewhere between The first and second story of the house. The only way for the exterminator to get to them is to cut a hole in the kitchen ceiling and (1) repair the drywall from the water leaks in the upstairs and (2) figure out what has nested themselves in there and get rid of
them..I feel bad for My parents - they finally get moved in completely.. and now this.
Errgh.. it's always something Eh?
Beyond all of that, life is moving along.
Unfortunately, I thought that I would be lucky, and not have to deal
with this.. I thought "Not my kid" Boy was I kidding myself or what?
I have watched my friends go through this, and thought about how
grateful I was that I wasn't in their shoes.
Now, here I am, smack dab in the middle of the teenage rebellion stage.
I have heard it lasts until adulthood.. woohoo..
How come I wasn't told about this in the owner's manual?
Oh yea, that's because there is none!
So, I learn as I go and try to deal with it from afar. I am fortunate
that I have great family that are doing most of the hard work. Not so
fortunate, that I can't be there to help guide.
Anyhow, it has been a trying week for me.
Throughout it all I appreciate the support I have received from my
friends and family. It is so true that life goes on without you, and no matter
Where you are at. While we are deployed, life continues to go on without us
And things change, evolve, grow and even reek havoc sometimes.
As I stated before, I contemplated about posting something so personal,
when I know my audience does not just consist of my closest interpersonal
ring of Friends. BUT, this blog is about life deployed. This of all things, is
life deployed. Things happen we can't control. Things happen that we can do
absolutely nothing about, but sit anxiously and wait for the outcome. Or simply
have heated conversations from 7,000 miles away - which are never pleasant.
So, I am dealing with it, with the help of family and moving forward.
Onward as they say.
So there are some things that I have done that I, in my tired state,
have failed to mention. I completed the beginner's NKC Dari class. It's a simple 2 week course to teach you basic Dari language and Afghanistan culture. Very informative and nice, in
that we can have Very basic conversation with the Afghan Nationals that work on the base.
For the first time since I have been here I had a massage. It's not like Massage Envy,
But close enough and worth the $10.00 for 30 minutes of back/neck massage. They
Actually do a really decent job. They seem to also be more meticulous with the Eyebrow
Waxing, etc. I was very impressed. Massage and Waxing was $16.00 total. Not bad.
Can't get that in the states :)
I have received several care packages and an grateful to all those that
continue to send little things. Mail here really is like Christmas every day.
We are always wondering who is going to get what... Our office is great! We all
get junk food and snacks and basically keep a community drawer, which between the 7 of us,
has grown to 2 1/2 drawers. :) Its nice!
This week hasn't been near as busy with Casualties as we were last month
this time frame, which is always a blessing. I have a new Deputy and am therefore
working on data analysis And statistics from the database of casualties. It has been long and
tedious because the original trackers did not track near the information we needed for these
reports. So, we are having to back fill about 10,000 records, and then generate
reports, break them down by unit, then by MOS, and so on. Its been a long task, but work in
progress for me and the crew.
The summer is coming to a close for the kids. They will be flying home on Tuesday to get
Settled in and ready for the new school year. I bet they are excited for that.. LOL
My parents are getting settled in the house, after oh - finding out my house was infested with
Some creatures... RATS or RABBITs.. or something.. and they are safe harbored up somewhere between The first and second story of the house. The only way for the exterminator to get to them is to cut a hole in the kitchen ceiling and (1) repair the drywall from the water leaks in the upstairs and (2) figure out what has nested themselves in there and get rid of
them..I feel bad for My parents - they finally get moved in completely.. and now this.
Errgh.. it's always something Eh?
Beyond all of that, life is moving along.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Very Personal Emotions...
This is a very personally emotional email that I sent to my daughter today.
I contemplated posting this, but this is part of my journey, part of parenthood and part of who I am.. so here you go..
Stomach in knots.. worry does not even give the word justice and feeling pretty
much like failure as a parent.. disappointment, sadness and ache fills my heart
and sadness that I can't be there to ensure everything is okay... My life feels
like it was turned upside down overnight.. and everything I thought I knew..
makes me realize I didn't know at all... Sending love to my family and apologies
for the drama that has ensued... We will all get thru this, I know.
To my daughter, with love.
When I was 19, and your dad and I found out we were pregnant with you, we were
estatic. I spent 9 months in bliss, during a pregnancy that was very exciting
and happy for me. Long before you were born, I loved you with a love unmatched.
I had so many great plans and was ready to be your mother. I was so excited to
see you and hold you. SO many of my friends were there to support me, and
help me deliver you and then again to help me, while your dad was deployed.
I never, for one minute thought of anything but love and excitement for who or
what you would become.
I think as parents we spend so much time waiting for the firsts, that after you
were born, and I cradled you, after your sleepy days were over, I was anxious
for your first word, your first steps, your first birthday. As time has gone
on, I have been excited to see what you would become, what paths you would
choose for goals. You wanted cheerleading, and softball, and then politics,
then to pageants, and more cheerleading.. possibly a Marine Pilot, a politician, a
Naval Officer.. The doors and options are limitless. I see in you, so much of me.
Your strength, your controlling factor (isn't always a bad thing :)) Your
stubbornness, your debating skills, your defensiveness. I see the potential for
you to be whatever you want to be, so long as you dream it, aspire to be it and
never quit working for it. You see, thats what I have become. A person with
goals, who aims for them, and no matter how long it takes, I make it. You can do
the same!
WHen I was your age now, I spent so many years looking for love and acceptance
from friends, and boys, and family. I spent too much time chasing after boys..
looking for their acceptance in all the wrong ways.. I thought that their acceptance
would make me feel better inside, would make me feel like a success, or like a
"woman" which I was not yet ready for. I liked all the guys who showed 1% of
liking me.. any attention, and affection and it was enough. What I have realized now
was that was not the acceptance I was needing or looking for. and that is not
what you nor I deserve. It has to be 100% and them some. You are not ready for that
yet - although you think you are. I don't think even I am ready for that yet and I
am 35. I thought I was.. but I have realized, I still have so much more to accomplish
and complete, before I am ready to accept nor give more that 100% of myself to a man.
When I was your age, no matter how many guys liked me, no matter how many of my friends I pleased,
it was not fulfilling the part of me inside that was lacking. NO matter who I saw, who
I said yes to, who I compromised my integrity for, it was not a rewarding feeling
at the end of the day I was still feeling alone inside myself. It wasn't until I
decided to plan out my life, plan out my life goals, no matter how high, how silly
other people may have thought they to be, I listed things in my life that I wanted.
And one by one, I have worked on those. No matter who has come in to my life,
no matter who has walked out on me in my life. My goals were the one constant.
Fulfilling them, is what made me feel succesfull and as if there were meaning to my
life and what I was to do.
You are young and have so much to offer, but you deserve better. You should not
treat your body as an outlet to pleasing any boy that shows interest, you should not
compromise your integrity and your relationships with your family and especially me
for the affection of a boy that will not be around in a week, or a month.
You are not ready for the adult decisions you are making - nor was I. I know we all
learn the hard way, I, of all people understand that making our own mistakes, helps
us to grow.. BUt its when you make the same mistakes over and over that you are not
helping your self. We should be learning from our mistakes, not repeating them.
I am not a good role model to some degree, in that I have made some of the same mistakes
over and over and it took until I was in my 30s to realize what I was doing. I don't want
to see you go through what I went through. I married too young, I married becuase I was
pregnant, and when I finally did have it right, I lost sight of what was important and
hurt a good man. THen moved on to the next who then broke my heart. I thought I was
doing things right, but looking back, I lost sight of my own goals, and was willing
to throw that away for the love and affection of a man. I have made multiple mistakes
that have affected you and your brothers, and for that I am ashamed and can never take
back what ever pain that may have caused you - but I am here to tell you, that that is no
excuse for your behavior.
I have taught you from my mistakes. I have talked to you endlessly about what really
happens out there. What boys say, what friends do, how some girls can befriend you
and how boys are always at the heart of those issues. I have taught you that you
are smart enough and to make whatever dream you have come true. I have pounded in your head
the importance of always being honest - no matter how much it hurts, becuase its the
one thing in life you can never ever live without.. YOUR HONOR. Without that, you will have
nothing. If you are a person that can not be trusted, you will never get anywhere.
THat is the one thing, I apparently failed at getting into you. Integrity, honor. You word.
Trust. REponsibility. Gratitude. Remorse. Manipulation. You have become the master
at manipulating for your own benefit.
I will not take responsibility for what you have done to me, and the rest of the family last night.
Listen, sneaking out to meet someone, bad- yes. but normal or something teenagers do, yes
I can handle that. We can deal with that. You take your punishment like an adult, for
making a mistake, for doing something you knew was wrong - then, it would be over.
But this time, you did more than that. You didnt just sneak out and worry your aunt
and uncle, your grandparents, family and myself - you blatanlty lied about it, even
when faced with the truth. You lied, even after I cried to you on the phone from
Afghanistan, telling you how worried we all were when you were missing. How all I could
think of was that you were lying face down in a ditch somewhere dead. How I worried
and knew there was ABSOLUTELY nothing I could do from 7000 miles away, except call everyone
you knew, and everyone I knew there. When you were finally found, I didn't know what I was
feeling inside.. SOOO SOO Grateful to GOD that you were alive and well - but then
infuriated at what you caused us all to go thru while worrying you. THen, you
lied to me, thru my tearful pleas to be honest - you lied. THat tells me that you have
not respect for me, your Aunt, your Grandma.
You have the life Katrina. You were more or less treated as a young adult, and given
freedoms that I was not afforded at your age. You guys may think its harder to live
with Granmda and Papa becuase they are stricter - but - let me tell you. They are NOTHING
compared to what they used to be and I have learned now, that it was for the best!
we are not ignorant to what you guys do.. when you think you are being sneaky and getting
away with something, we know. We may not tell you that we know, but we do - but we also
know that some of it is part of growing up. Its part of life. Its what we do as kids to
push the limits - and so long as you are HONEST - its not a big deal. We face the
consequences to our actions and take responsibility for making decisions that you knew
was wrong. That is part of the process. That is how we learn and what we take to our children
as we get older.
Grandma and Papa have afforded all of you the life. You have no chores except to clean up
your own messes and keep your room cleaned up. No more kitchen duties, laundry duties,
and the plethera of other duties that I had given you all to help me out. You have no
bedtime and are allowed to stay up as late as you want, so long as it doesnt affect
your school. You have your cell phone all night and a computer to chat with all your friends.
You have Grandma and Papa to cheauffer you to all your trainings, tryouts, pageants, and
whatever it is that is interesting you at the moment. All they and I ask for in return
is a little gratitude. Some appreciation. You never gave that to me either. YOu felt
it was owed to you. You deserved it. Someone HAD to do it. Not the case. Just as I will not
allow you to disrespect me any further by lying to me, I will not tolerate you disrespecting
them either. They don't deserve it. They have done nothign but love you and continue to treat
you like the YOUNG adult you are. The things weall do with and for you all is becuase
we love you, want to see you happy and want to see you succeed in life. You go out there
and think that people owe you something. No one owes you anything. The only thing I
as a parent have to provide for you is a clean place to live, and clean clothes to wear to
school, and food to ensure you're fed. ALOT of kids don't even have that!
You have so much more. In the last 5 years, I have been able to spoil you all, giving you
things you want, not necessarily need. Giving you each your own cell phone, your own
TVs, computers, XBOX, WII, you name it, you had it. I would get it for you, becuase
I could. Becuase I love you and wanted to see you happy. BUT YOU always always took
advantage of that. A simple THank you, when I request it, is not enough gratitude.
YOu should be showing your appreciation for the good life you live by the actions you
take. By being honest, even when wrong, even when you've done something wrong. By
being honest and appreciative of everything. Genuine appreciation that you are not
living in a car with no clean clothes, no real home and nothing to call your own.
You should be grateful that I have provided that for you! All the ammenities that you
have - I have worked for. I have spent 17 years of my life in the NAvy, trying to make
a better living, a secured lifestyle. Trying to be successful and not have to worry about
not paying the bills, not having enough food or clothing. I have sacrificed my time
to complete that process.
Yes, you guys have sacrificed to, I get that. You have had to live without your mom for
a number of times, in order for me to continue to provide you with a good, stable life.
You are not the only kid in the world that has had to do without a parent for a time being,
or both for that matter. You have had both of us, and have lived with both of us at
separate times. You have gotten to travel, and spend time with your sisters as well as
your family here. There are some kids that don't have that luxury. YOUR BROTHERS are some
of them. THey do NOT have their father, they have lived without him for all but 2 years TOTAL
of their life. He has been non-existant and failed them.. and they had to stand by and watch
as it all took place. They don't have a "DAD" to call - the closest they have to that is
Uncle Mike - who has been there thru the duration with Aunt Tammy. But it is not the
same and you know that. You know that one day, they will bear some resentment and emotional
issues becuase of the abondment and failure their father was to them. Atleast you dont have
that. NO matter how much you have faught with your dad, he has always been there for you.
Even when you didn't want him to be. SO instead of feeling sorry for yourself, with such
a rough life you live, maybe you ought to start showing some compassion to your brothers, to
your family who is taking care of you (Aunt Tammy & Mike/Grandma & Papa) Maybe you should
show some true emotional happiness that you have family around eagerly waving their hands
to volunteer to spend time with you, nurture you and hold you while I am away. It could
be worse - You could have no mom & dad - some kids have that. Some kids have lost their
parents for good, for whatever reason - be grateful that no matter how far away we may be -
we are still here. You can still hear our voices, see our faces, through whatever means.
First and foremost you need to start being honest with yourself and everyone else.
I love you, with all my heart, but right now I am soo ashamed and it hurts my heart to know
the lengths you would go to try and get away with something. I thought we always had a
pretty good relationship. I thought I knew you. But really, what I have discovered is
that I don't know you at all. You will not be honest - until smacked in the face with proof
of the truth. You don't tell me things willingly, you tell me becuase you knew you were
busted. THat is not TRUST. THat is not HONESTy. HONESTY is telling the truth the first
time, without prompt and without proof. You have not even afforded me that.
I am hurt, my heart aches, my stomach is in knots and I have been nausiated since our
phone call last night. I told you, after that last plea for honesty, that if you lied,
I would hang up. You didn't believe me. But I can't listen to your pity stories any more.
I am 7,000 miles away, in a war zone country where I deal with DEATH everyday. People are
dying. Families are losing their sons, daughters, mothers & fathers. I know, that no
matter how bad life may feel at times - IT Could always be worse.
You are being ungrateful and I cAN'T STOMACH IT ANYMORE. Grandma and Papa deserve better
than that. Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mike deserve better than that and Most of all - I deserve
better than that. I have struggled your whole life to give you a good life. and you
desicrate that by your actions, and your mouth. I love you and I want to talk to you
and have a good relationship with you. I can't do that knowing I can't trust you.
You need to start being honest - let us all see that we can trust you - that is the first
step you need to take. ADmit your wrong doings, move forward and start being honest.
You CANNOT manipulate me anymore. I will not buy what you are selling, becuase I know now,
that I CANNOT trust you. So prove to me that I can. STart being the honest girl that
I know you can be. If you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one.
You have a good life. You need to face the conseuqeunces of your actions,
start showing by your actions that you can be trusted, focus on goals you have in the future
and start working toward those goals. Enjoy the life that has been afforded to you
and appreciate everything you have and get!
I love you with all my heart and right now my heart aches for you. I am torn between wanting
to hold you and hug you, telling you everything will be okay and then wanting to smack
some reality into you. I hope that this email does that. I hope that you have somethings to
think about and you realize how good you really do have it. I will never stop loving
you - no matter what - but, that doesn't mean I have to like what you are doing. If you
want a relationship with me, you need to earn it. Prove you can be what I know you to be.
I love you. I only want to ensure I put you on the right path to adulthood, and right now,
I am having to detour your track - shift gears and start over. It's simple. Do what is
asked of you, and be honest. The rest is gravy. You will be able to enjoy life and the
ammenities that we provide you. But appreciate them and most importantly, appreciate the
family in your life that try to give that to you - instead of resenting them for wanting to
ensure you are on the right path!
I have heard different stories about how you might run away if you have to go home..
but while you're thinking of that, I want you to think about this...
Is living that kind of life, abandoning your family, throwing away all the love
and the life we offer - worth it? So, you would be on your own, where? A girlfriends
house (until her parents get tired of it, or get arrested for harboring a run away) or
with a boy (who's parents would do the same thing.. and/or the boy would realize he
wasnt ready for that kind of a committment either). You would lose much more than you
would gain. I know at your age, you think freedom is the answer, but realisitically -
you know you have it made at home. YOu have no job, no car, no license and no way
to pay your own way. Think about that next time you think about running away.
Think about what you would be throwing away and how much more you would be hurting
me, and telling me that you don't care about me, or what I give to you. Please just go home,
earn your trust and live the good life that we afford you. Enjoy life as a kid.
I love you.
Always and Forever.
To no end.
Mommy
I contemplated posting this, but this is part of my journey, part of parenthood and part of who I am.. so here you go..
Stomach in knots.. worry does not even give the word justice and feeling pretty
much like failure as a parent.. disappointment, sadness and ache fills my heart
and sadness that I can't be there to ensure everything is okay... My life feels
like it was turned upside down overnight.. and everything I thought I knew..
makes me realize I didn't know at all... Sending love to my family and apologies
for the drama that has ensued... We will all get thru this, I know.
To my daughter, with love.
When I was 19, and your dad and I found out we were pregnant with you, we were
estatic. I spent 9 months in bliss, during a pregnancy that was very exciting
and happy for me. Long before you were born, I loved you with a love unmatched.
I had so many great plans and was ready to be your mother. I was so excited to
see you and hold you. SO many of my friends were there to support me, and
help me deliver you and then again to help me, while your dad was deployed.
I never, for one minute thought of anything but love and excitement for who or
what you would become.
I think as parents we spend so much time waiting for the firsts, that after you
were born, and I cradled you, after your sleepy days were over, I was anxious
for your first word, your first steps, your first birthday. As time has gone
on, I have been excited to see what you would become, what paths you would
choose for goals. You wanted cheerleading, and softball, and then politics,
then to pageants, and more cheerleading.. possibly a Marine Pilot, a politician, a
Naval Officer.. The doors and options are limitless. I see in you, so much of me.
Your strength, your controlling factor (isn't always a bad thing :)) Your
stubbornness, your debating skills, your defensiveness. I see the potential for
you to be whatever you want to be, so long as you dream it, aspire to be it and
never quit working for it. You see, thats what I have become. A person with
goals, who aims for them, and no matter how long it takes, I make it. You can do
the same!
WHen I was your age now, I spent so many years looking for love and acceptance
from friends, and boys, and family. I spent too much time chasing after boys..
looking for their acceptance in all the wrong ways.. I thought that their acceptance
would make me feel better inside, would make me feel like a success, or like a
"woman" which I was not yet ready for. I liked all the guys who showed 1% of
liking me.. any attention, and affection and it was enough. What I have realized now
was that was not the acceptance I was needing or looking for. and that is not
what you nor I deserve. It has to be 100% and them some. You are not ready for that
yet - although you think you are. I don't think even I am ready for that yet and I
am 35. I thought I was.. but I have realized, I still have so much more to accomplish
and complete, before I am ready to accept nor give more that 100% of myself to a man.
When I was your age, no matter how many guys liked me, no matter how many of my friends I pleased,
it was not fulfilling the part of me inside that was lacking. NO matter who I saw, who
I said yes to, who I compromised my integrity for, it was not a rewarding feeling
at the end of the day I was still feeling alone inside myself. It wasn't until I
decided to plan out my life, plan out my life goals, no matter how high, how silly
other people may have thought they to be, I listed things in my life that I wanted.
And one by one, I have worked on those. No matter who has come in to my life,
no matter who has walked out on me in my life. My goals were the one constant.
Fulfilling them, is what made me feel succesfull and as if there were meaning to my
life and what I was to do.
You are young and have so much to offer, but you deserve better. You should not
treat your body as an outlet to pleasing any boy that shows interest, you should not
compromise your integrity and your relationships with your family and especially me
for the affection of a boy that will not be around in a week, or a month.
You are not ready for the adult decisions you are making - nor was I. I know we all
learn the hard way, I, of all people understand that making our own mistakes, helps
us to grow.. BUt its when you make the same mistakes over and over that you are not
helping your self. We should be learning from our mistakes, not repeating them.
I am not a good role model to some degree, in that I have made some of the same mistakes
over and over and it took until I was in my 30s to realize what I was doing. I don't want
to see you go through what I went through. I married too young, I married becuase I was
pregnant, and when I finally did have it right, I lost sight of what was important and
hurt a good man. THen moved on to the next who then broke my heart. I thought I was
doing things right, but looking back, I lost sight of my own goals, and was willing
to throw that away for the love and affection of a man. I have made multiple mistakes
that have affected you and your brothers, and for that I am ashamed and can never take
back what ever pain that may have caused you - but I am here to tell you, that that is no
excuse for your behavior.
I have taught you from my mistakes. I have talked to you endlessly about what really
happens out there. What boys say, what friends do, how some girls can befriend you
and how boys are always at the heart of those issues. I have taught you that you
are smart enough and to make whatever dream you have come true. I have pounded in your head
the importance of always being honest - no matter how much it hurts, becuase its the
one thing in life you can never ever live without.. YOUR HONOR. Without that, you will have
nothing. If you are a person that can not be trusted, you will never get anywhere.
THat is the one thing, I apparently failed at getting into you. Integrity, honor. You word.
Trust. REponsibility. Gratitude. Remorse. Manipulation. You have become the master
at manipulating for your own benefit.
I will not take responsibility for what you have done to me, and the rest of the family last night.
Listen, sneaking out to meet someone, bad- yes. but normal or something teenagers do, yes
I can handle that. We can deal with that. You take your punishment like an adult, for
making a mistake, for doing something you knew was wrong - then, it would be over.
But this time, you did more than that. You didnt just sneak out and worry your aunt
and uncle, your grandparents, family and myself - you blatanlty lied about it, even
when faced with the truth. You lied, even after I cried to you on the phone from
Afghanistan, telling you how worried we all were when you were missing. How all I could
think of was that you were lying face down in a ditch somewhere dead. How I worried
and knew there was ABSOLUTELY nothing I could do from 7000 miles away, except call everyone
you knew, and everyone I knew there. When you were finally found, I didn't know what I was
feeling inside.. SOOO SOO Grateful to GOD that you were alive and well - but then
infuriated at what you caused us all to go thru while worrying you. THen, you
lied to me, thru my tearful pleas to be honest - you lied. THat tells me that you have
not respect for me, your Aunt, your Grandma.
You have the life Katrina. You were more or less treated as a young adult, and given
freedoms that I was not afforded at your age. You guys may think its harder to live
with Granmda and Papa becuase they are stricter - but - let me tell you. They are NOTHING
compared to what they used to be and I have learned now, that it was for the best!
we are not ignorant to what you guys do.. when you think you are being sneaky and getting
away with something, we know. We may not tell you that we know, but we do - but we also
know that some of it is part of growing up. Its part of life. Its what we do as kids to
push the limits - and so long as you are HONEST - its not a big deal. We face the
consequences to our actions and take responsibility for making decisions that you knew
was wrong. That is part of the process. That is how we learn and what we take to our children
as we get older.
Grandma and Papa have afforded all of you the life. You have no chores except to clean up
your own messes and keep your room cleaned up. No more kitchen duties, laundry duties,
and the plethera of other duties that I had given you all to help me out. You have no
bedtime and are allowed to stay up as late as you want, so long as it doesnt affect
your school. You have your cell phone all night and a computer to chat with all your friends.
You have Grandma and Papa to cheauffer you to all your trainings, tryouts, pageants, and
whatever it is that is interesting you at the moment. All they and I ask for in return
is a little gratitude. Some appreciation. You never gave that to me either. YOu felt
it was owed to you. You deserved it. Someone HAD to do it. Not the case. Just as I will not
allow you to disrespect me any further by lying to me, I will not tolerate you disrespecting
them either. They don't deserve it. They have done nothign but love you and continue to treat
you like the YOUNG adult you are. The things weall do with and for you all is becuase
we love you, want to see you happy and want to see you succeed in life. You go out there
and think that people owe you something. No one owes you anything. The only thing I
as a parent have to provide for you is a clean place to live, and clean clothes to wear to
school, and food to ensure you're fed. ALOT of kids don't even have that!
You have so much more. In the last 5 years, I have been able to spoil you all, giving you
things you want, not necessarily need. Giving you each your own cell phone, your own
TVs, computers, XBOX, WII, you name it, you had it. I would get it for you, becuase
I could. Becuase I love you and wanted to see you happy. BUT YOU always always took
advantage of that. A simple THank you, when I request it, is not enough gratitude.
YOu should be showing your appreciation for the good life you live by the actions you
take. By being honest, even when wrong, even when you've done something wrong. By
being honest and appreciative of everything. Genuine appreciation that you are not
living in a car with no clean clothes, no real home and nothing to call your own.
You should be grateful that I have provided that for you! All the ammenities that you
have - I have worked for. I have spent 17 years of my life in the NAvy, trying to make
a better living, a secured lifestyle. Trying to be successful and not have to worry about
not paying the bills, not having enough food or clothing. I have sacrificed my time
to complete that process.
Yes, you guys have sacrificed to, I get that. You have had to live without your mom for
a number of times, in order for me to continue to provide you with a good, stable life.
You are not the only kid in the world that has had to do without a parent for a time being,
or both for that matter. You have had both of us, and have lived with both of us at
separate times. You have gotten to travel, and spend time with your sisters as well as
your family here. There are some kids that don't have that luxury. YOUR BROTHERS are some
of them. THey do NOT have their father, they have lived without him for all but 2 years TOTAL
of their life. He has been non-existant and failed them.. and they had to stand by and watch
as it all took place. They don't have a "DAD" to call - the closest they have to that is
Uncle Mike - who has been there thru the duration with Aunt Tammy. But it is not the
same and you know that. You know that one day, they will bear some resentment and emotional
issues becuase of the abondment and failure their father was to them. Atleast you dont have
that. NO matter how much you have faught with your dad, he has always been there for you.
Even when you didn't want him to be. SO instead of feeling sorry for yourself, with such
a rough life you live, maybe you ought to start showing some compassion to your brothers, to
your family who is taking care of you (Aunt Tammy & Mike/Grandma & Papa) Maybe you should
show some true emotional happiness that you have family around eagerly waving their hands
to volunteer to spend time with you, nurture you and hold you while I am away. It could
be worse - You could have no mom & dad - some kids have that. Some kids have lost their
parents for good, for whatever reason - be grateful that no matter how far away we may be -
we are still here. You can still hear our voices, see our faces, through whatever means.
First and foremost you need to start being honest with yourself and everyone else.
I love you, with all my heart, but right now I am soo ashamed and it hurts my heart to know
the lengths you would go to try and get away with something. I thought we always had a
pretty good relationship. I thought I knew you. But really, what I have discovered is
that I don't know you at all. You will not be honest - until smacked in the face with proof
of the truth. You don't tell me things willingly, you tell me becuase you knew you were
busted. THat is not TRUST. THat is not HONESTy. HONESTY is telling the truth the first
time, without prompt and without proof. You have not even afforded me that.
I am hurt, my heart aches, my stomach is in knots and I have been nausiated since our
phone call last night. I told you, after that last plea for honesty, that if you lied,
I would hang up. You didn't believe me. But I can't listen to your pity stories any more.
I am 7,000 miles away, in a war zone country where I deal with DEATH everyday. People are
dying. Families are losing their sons, daughters, mothers & fathers. I know, that no
matter how bad life may feel at times - IT Could always be worse.
You are being ungrateful and I cAN'T STOMACH IT ANYMORE. Grandma and Papa deserve better
than that. Aunt Tammy and Uncle Mike deserve better than that and Most of all - I deserve
better than that. I have struggled your whole life to give you a good life. and you
desicrate that by your actions, and your mouth. I love you and I want to talk to you
and have a good relationship with you. I can't do that knowing I can't trust you.
You need to start being honest - let us all see that we can trust you - that is the first
step you need to take. ADmit your wrong doings, move forward and start being honest.
You CANNOT manipulate me anymore. I will not buy what you are selling, becuase I know now,
that I CANNOT trust you. So prove to me that I can. STart being the honest girl that
I know you can be. If you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one.
You have a good life. You need to face the conseuqeunces of your actions,
start showing by your actions that you can be trusted, focus on goals you have in the future
and start working toward those goals. Enjoy the life that has been afforded to you
and appreciate everything you have and get!
I love you with all my heart and right now my heart aches for you. I am torn between wanting
to hold you and hug you, telling you everything will be okay and then wanting to smack
some reality into you. I hope that this email does that. I hope that you have somethings to
think about and you realize how good you really do have it. I will never stop loving
you - no matter what - but, that doesn't mean I have to like what you are doing. If you
want a relationship with me, you need to earn it. Prove you can be what I know you to be.
I love you. I only want to ensure I put you on the right path to adulthood, and right now,
I am having to detour your track - shift gears and start over. It's simple. Do what is
asked of you, and be honest. The rest is gravy. You will be able to enjoy life and the
ammenities that we provide you. But appreciate them and most importantly, appreciate the
family in your life that try to give that to you - instead of resenting them for wanting to
ensure you are on the right path!
I have heard different stories about how you might run away if you have to go home..
but while you're thinking of that, I want you to think about this...
Is living that kind of life, abandoning your family, throwing away all the love
and the life we offer - worth it? So, you would be on your own, where? A girlfriends
house (until her parents get tired of it, or get arrested for harboring a run away) or
with a boy (who's parents would do the same thing.. and/or the boy would realize he
wasnt ready for that kind of a committment either). You would lose much more than you
would gain. I know at your age, you think freedom is the answer, but realisitically -
you know you have it made at home. YOu have no job, no car, no license and no way
to pay your own way. Think about that next time you think about running away.
Think about what you would be throwing away and how much more you would be hurting
me, and telling me that you don't care about me, or what I give to you. Please just go home,
earn your trust and live the good life that we afford you. Enjoy life as a kid.
I love you.
Always and Forever.
To no end.
Mommy
Saturday, July 31, 2010
1 August 2010
I think my brain is on overload..
There is not enough hours in the day for the database I am trying to update/correct...
OMGoodness..
I took this on, to create a better and more efficient way to track in our office..
buts its turned into a monster and NOW
the higher ups know what I've done and are constantly wanting reports from the database.. NOW NOW NOW and quite honestly.. its not where it needs to be.. but.. what do you tell the 4 star General..except.. "I'm on it, Sir"
Beyond the constant scramble for P4 (Gen Petreaus) Taskers things were slower today in the casualty world.
and I think I am recovering from my mental melt alittle.. this week was hard.. and soo many things here and personally at once.. but.. step by step.. one by one.. doing what I have to do to keep my sanity.. NOT THINK about it.. LOL
okay.. seriously, just dealing with them one by one.. to ease the stress and drama in my life..
Stress I get here.. don't need anymore..
Tomorrow.. I'm sleeping in.. then doing the same thing all over again..
Doesn't it sound exciting?
Need some sleep! Night friends.. more soon..
There is not enough hours in the day for the database I am trying to update/correct...
OMGoodness..
I took this on, to create a better and more efficient way to track in our office..
buts its turned into a monster and NOW
the higher ups know what I've done and are constantly wanting reports from the database.. NOW NOW NOW and quite honestly.. its not where it needs to be.. but.. what do you tell the 4 star General..except.. "I'm on it, Sir"
Beyond the constant scramble for P4 (Gen Petreaus) Taskers things were slower today in the casualty world.
and I think I am recovering from my mental melt alittle.. this week was hard.. and soo many things here and personally at once.. but.. step by step.. one by one.. doing what I have to do to keep my sanity.. NOT THINK about it.. LOL
okay.. seriously, just dealing with them one by one.. to ease the stress and drama in my life..
Stress I get here.. don't need anymore..
Tomorrow.. I'm sleeping in.. then doing the same thing all over again..
Doesn't it sound exciting?
Need some sleep! Night friends.. more soon..
29 July 2010 - RANDOMNESS
I have had a busy week this week. There has been alot happenening here in
Kabul, in case you didn't know. Two of our sailors went missing and then
within the week, on separate ocassions, both were found, deceased.
In our office we process all casualty reports for Afghanistan.
This includes Navy Sailors - however, this was the first for us..
We had not had to deal with Sailors being missing nor being found
deceased.. it was a whole new process for us over here which took many
hours of coordinating between several different facilities.
I pulled 2 (almost) all nighters .. which.. looking back probably sounded
like shit to hear me complain about being tired.. and at work.. when in
reality.. what I was doing.. was making a difference and although I was
complaining about being tired.. at that very moment a mother was being informed
that her son had died for his country. At that same moment a wife and 2 children
were being notified that their husband and father were never coming home.
Atleast not in the capacity that they had hoped for. The sad part about it all,
is that both Petty Officers were due to go home within 2 months.
Really makes sleep sound very menial..
Its a long and arduous job here. High Tempo long hours, and few are lucky to
have whole days off. I am lucky.. but for the next month or so, I will simply
enjoy being able to sleep in 2 of the days out of the week.. but no day off..
I am covering for my counterpart who is basically an aid/assistant to the
Colenel. So, I will need to be there during the day for taskers.. its that or
get called in to work.. which is not a good thing.. so my plan is to just be there..
be available/accesible.
This week has been emotional for me. Lots of things, outside the office going
on as well. Some too personal to talk about in this forum.. those of you
that I talk to outside my blog will understand.. and other stuff that quite frankly,
is just creating drama that I don't need.
Some of it is my own doing. I did come here, knowing this would be good for me.
Good for me in many aspects.. but honestly, for the most part..
personal growth. Personal Growth, on my own, with no one to "depend"
on to take the problems away, or distract me from what I need to do, for my
own growth.
I am experiencing some things that I really thought I had dealt with, but I think
in my heart of hearts, knew I had not.
(1) My personal growth. I have spent my whole life, always with someone, or always
a title. A Student, A Sailor, A Wife, A Mother, A Girlfriend, A confidant, A Division
Officer, A Division Head, with very little time to figure out who I am. I have
always been, what I had believed what I was supposed to be.. A Good worker. A Wife
(failed at that.. unfortunately). A Good Mother (I hope..). I have spent the last
six months in San Diego trying to deal with heartbreak.. change and living on my own..
Maybe that sounds kind of crazy.. I am 35 years old. I have always lived on my own,
but I have always had someone.. besides just my kids. It was lonely, it hurt, then
it turned to "wow..this is kind of nice" to enjoying a routine, with a somewhat
"normal" life. As normal as one can get as Single Mom Active Duty Officer in the Navy.
Now - I am taken out of my element.. taken away from whatever support I had at home..
and figured this would be a good time to rediscover me.. and what my capabilities are,
even by myself. Maybe this was what I was searching for.. independence .. so to speak.
SO you may be asking, why would you need to go all the way to Kabul for that? I dont.
But, this was my destiny, part of my journey. When I retire in a couple years, I can
rest at night knowing I did my part in this war, that I made a difference. In my own
mind, this is not only a personal endeavor, its a professional one as well.
So onward..
I have experienced quite a few bouts of drama while here..
not necessarily stuff here.. but.. things even from thousands of miles away.
Things happening with my children, that I so badly wish I could have been there for.
Things with friends, unwanted drama.
Anyhow, I could list about 8 different things, but, again they are somewhat personal and
that kind of stuff will keep. Needless to say, its been a rough week. Balancing my life here
with my life at home and everything in between.
Today has been a day where all I've wanted is to just cry..
Not necessarily depressed, don't get me wrong.. just overload.. just need a little time
to unwind..Just emotional overload.. What can I say.. I'm a girl.. every now and then I
just need a good cry. :)
Kabul, in case you didn't know. Two of our sailors went missing and then
within the week, on separate ocassions, both were found, deceased.
In our office we process all casualty reports for Afghanistan.
This includes Navy Sailors - however, this was the first for us..
We had not had to deal with Sailors being missing nor being found
deceased.. it was a whole new process for us over here which took many
hours of coordinating between several different facilities.
I pulled 2 (almost) all nighters .. which.. looking back probably sounded
like shit to hear me complain about being tired.. and at work.. when in
reality.. what I was doing.. was making a difference and although I was
complaining about being tired.. at that very moment a mother was being informed
that her son had died for his country. At that same moment a wife and 2 children
were being notified that their husband and father were never coming home.
Atleast not in the capacity that they had hoped for. The sad part about it all,
is that both Petty Officers were due to go home within 2 months.
Really makes sleep sound very menial..
Its a long and arduous job here. High Tempo long hours, and few are lucky to
have whole days off. I am lucky.. but for the next month or so, I will simply
enjoy being able to sleep in 2 of the days out of the week.. but no day off..
I am covering for my counterpart who is basically an aid/assistant to the
Colenel. So, I will need to be there during the day for taskers.. its that or
get called in to work.. which is not a good thing.. so my plan is to just be there..
be available/accesible.
This week has been emotional for me. Lots of things, outside the office going
on as well. Some too personal to talk about in this forum.. those of you
that I talk to outside my blog will understand.. and other stuff that quite frankly,
is just creating drama that I don't need.
Some of it is my own doing. I did come here, knowing this would be good for me.
Good for me in many aspects.. but honestly, for the most part..
personal growth. Personal Growth, on my own, with no one to "depend"
on to take the problems away, or distract me from what I need to do, for my
own growth.
I am experiencing some things that I really thought I had dealt with, but I think
in my heart of hearts, knew I had not.
(1) My personal growth. I have spent my whole life, always with someone, or always
a title. A Student, A Sailor, A Wife, A Mother, A Girlfriend, A confidant, A Division
Officer, A Division Head, with very little time to figure out who I am. I have
always been, what I had believed what I was supposed to be.. A Good worker. A Wife
(failed at that.. unfortunately). A Good Mother (I hope..). I have spent the last
six months in San Diego trying to deal with heartbreak.. change and living on my own..
Maybe that sounds kind of crazy.. I am 35 years old. I have always lived on my own,
but I have always had someone.. besides just my kids. It was lonely, it hurt, then
it turned to "wow..this is kind of nice" to enjoying a routine, with a somewhat
"normal" life. As normal as one can get as Single Mom Active Duty Officer in the Navy.
Now - I am taken out of my element.. taken away from whatever support I had at home..
and figured this would be a good time to rediscover me.. and what my capabilities are,
even by myself. Maybe this was what I was searching for.. independence .. so to speak.
SO you may be asking, why would you need to go all the way to Kabul for that? I dont.
But, this was my destiny, part of my journey. When I retire in a couple years, I can
rest at night knowing I did my part in this war, that I made a difference. In my own
mind, this is not only a personal endeavor, its a professional one as well.
So onward..
I have experienced quite a few bouts of drama while here..
not necessarily stuff here.. but.. things even from thousands of miles away.
Things happening with my children, that I so badly wish I could have been there for.
Things with friends, unwanted drama.
Anyhow, I could list about 8 different things, but, again they are somewhat personal and
that kind of stuff will keep. Needless to say, its been a rough week. Balancing my life here
with my life at home and everything in between.
Today has been a day where all I've wanted is to just cry..
Not necessarily depressed, don't get me wrong.. just overload.. just need a little time
to unwind..Just emotional overload.. What can I say.. I'm a girl.. every now and then I
just need a good cry. :)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, 25 July 2010
I usually thrive on stressful situations. I work my best, in my
opinion, thru a very stressful environment. I feel like I usually
"shine" during those times.. I think that was one of the reasons I so
loved being OOD of the ship during special evolutions! I loved it. I
felt like I could control the environment around me, even through what
may have been chaos.
However, this is a little different.
Yesterday was a busy day and by far one of the worst for me. That's not
to say that casualties in general don't affect me, but casualties of our
fellow Navy, who are just supposed to be Administrative Support, is
disturbing.
These two SM should never have been on their own.. we are not trained
the way the army is. Our 3 weeks of training is not sufficient to do
what our Army/Marines do out there on the front lines. Realistically,
if you go outside the wires, especially driving a vehicle, you are on
the front lines. Ambushes, IEDs you name it are waiting for SM out there
and I see the results first-hand everyday!
It saddens me to see the news and see what is being broadcast, imagining
in my heart how the SM's must feel, how their families must feel.
When we first got here, I had a fellow sailor that was recruited to the
combat driving team. He went to their little training and then was
off.. my first question was.. Does the Navy know what you are doing?
This is not what they sent you here for. He enjoyed it, and that was
that, but the real question here is, who should be doing this. Are we,
the Navy, being sent over with the knowledge that this could be the
case, or are they completely oblivious? Is this particular detail of
their employment being kept under wraps. Well, I have a sneaky
suspicion that will change now. The Navy will be looking for answers, as
will the family members.
Now, some jobs require the element of traveling, I get that. BUT, that
does not mean it requires traveling without Army Support. This should
not be the case. Even if you feel you are safe.. in the event of an
ambush, the numbers speak for themselves.
I was a little disturbed last night when my roommate got it. I told her
it had been a long day and her response was "Oh, yeah, because of those
two Yahoos"
Well, here is the deal about those Yahoos.. they are my shipmates. They
were doing their job. I can't discuss anymore than what has been said,
due to the ongoing investigation, but, I will say that the blame should
not lie on the SMs who are now victims.
This is the responsibility of the leadership that allowed for them to be
out, in a vehicle, by themselves.
Again, we are not trained for this. Not the way the Army is. I hand it
to the Army and Marines, they are out there everyday, on the front
lines, but - they are trained in combating the enemy in ways that we are
not. They had a step up on our Sailors.
I am sure I am not the only one out there questioning how this situation
could have happened.. and I am sure I won't be the last.
I am not pointing the finger at anyone, nor am I trying to be
disrespectful to anyone.
This case has hit home. For all those people that think it's a "routine"
ride anywhere, for all those SM that do not think of the realities of
where we are, they are a danger to us all. Those individuals that aren't
concerned, or don't give proper guidance, or don't ensure the right
people are doing the right mission... are endangering us all.
This case has had my stomach in knots and my mental attention. Today, I
felt more like I was part of a CACO cell, vice casualty processing cell.
I spent the better part of my day on the phone with people from the
Pentagon, OPNAV, SECNAV, and NAVCENT. It is hard to just think of this
as "just another case" when your entire last 36 hours has consumed you
with following reports, (Next of Kin) NOK notification, and basically
broadcasting to the entire Navy - what is going on, every step of the
way.
This is not to say that I can't handle this job, okay. Everyone has bad
days and this, just happens to be one that really hits home and is hard
to just "process" to keep my sanity. I am trying. I am doing what I
have to do, to ensure the right people know at the right time. It's
unfortunate that the media has been broadcasting this information well
before the NOK were notified. It's even more unfortunate that pictures
are posted, and stories, and headlines that have not been confirmed are
being broadcast world-wide. My heart goes out to the families and I pray
for a speedy return of both SM.
Maybe I have no right to say this, but this is how I feel. I am not
saying this is how anyone else feels, how anyone else should feel, this
is simply my opinion.
opinion, thru a very stressful environment. I feel like I usually
"shine" during those times.. I think that was one of the reasons I so
loved being OOD of the ship during special evolutions! I loved it. I
felt like I could control the environment around me, even through what
may have been chaos.
However, this is a little different.
Yesterday was a busy day and by far one of the worst for me. That's not
to say that casualties in general don't affect me, but casualties of our
fellow Navy, who are just supposed to be Administrative Support, is
disturbing.
These two SM should never have been on their own.. we are not trained
the way the army is. Our 3 weeks of training is not sufficient to do
what our Army/Marines do out there on the front lines. Realistically,
if you go outside the wires, especially driving a vehicle, you are on
the front lines. Ambushes, IEDs you name it are waiting for SM out there
and I see the results first-hand everyday!
It saddens me to see the news and see what is being broadcast, imagining
in my heart how the SM's must feel, how their families must feel.
When we first got here, I had a fellow sailor that was recruited to the
combat driving team. He went to their little training and then was
off.. my first question was.. Does the Navy know what you are doing?
This is not what they sent you here for. He enjoyed it, and that was
that, but the real question here is, who should be doing this. Are we,
the Navy, being sent over with the knowledge that this could be the
case, or are they completely oblivious? Is this particular detail of
their employment being kept under wraps. Well, I have a sneaky
suspicion that will change now. The Navy will be looking for answers, as
will the family members.
Now, some jobs require the element of traveling, I get that. BUT, that
does not mean it requires traveling without Army Support. This should
not be the case. Even if you feel you are safe.. in the event of an
ambush, the numbers speak for themselves.
I was a little disturbed last night when my roommate got it. I told her
it had been a long day and her response was "Oh, yeah, because of those
two Yahoos"
Well, here is the deal about those Yahoos.. they are my shipmates. They
were doing their job. I can't discuss anymore than what has been said,
due to the ongoing investigation, but, I will say that the blame should
not lie on the SMs who are now victims.
This is the responsibility of the leadership that allowed for them to be
out, in a vehicle, by themselves.
Again, we are not trained for this. Not the way the Army is. I hand it
to the Army and Marines, they are out there everyday, on the front
lines, but - they are trained in combating the enemy in ways that we are
not. They had a step up on our Sailors.
I am sure I am not the only one out there questioning how this situation
could have happened.. and I am sure I won't be the last.
I am not pointing the finger at anyone, nor am I trying to be
disrespectful to anyone.
This case has hit home. For all those people that think it's a "routine"
ride anywhere, for all those SM that do not think of the realities of
where we are, they are a danger to us all. Those individuals that aren't
concerned, or don't give proper guidance, or don't ensure the right
people are doing the right mission... are endangering us all.
This case has had my stomach in knots and my mental attention. Today, I
felt more like I was part of a CACO cell, vice casualty processing cell.
I spent the better part of my day on the phone with people from the
Pentagon, OPNAV, SECNAV, and NAVCENT. It is hard to just think of this
as "just another case" when your entire last 36 hours has consumed you
with following reports, (Next of Kin) NOK notification, and basically
broadcasting to the entire Navy - what is going on, every step of the
way.
This is not to say that I can't handle this job, okay. Everyone has bad
days and this, just happens to be one that really hits home and is hard
to just "process" to keep my sanity. I am trying. I am doing what I
have to do, to ensure the right people know at the right time. It's
unfortunate that the media has been broadcasting this information well
before the NOK were notified. It's even more unfortunate that pictures
are posted, and stories, and headlines that have not been confirmed are
being broadcast world-wide. My heart goes out to the families and I pray
for a speedy return of both SM.
Maybe I have no right to say this, but this is how I feel. I am not
saying this is how anyone else feels, how anyone else should feel, this
is simply my opinion.
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