I have been very fortunate in life.
I have overcome many obstacles, accomplished countless goals, and have
had a successful, prosperous career.
Much of this, though, is owed to my family and friends along the way.
Those that were in the time of need,
And those that still remain. I know that without that support, I would
not be where I am today.
So thank you... thank you for all your support, love and encouragement!
My blogs have become more and more scarce due to the groundhog day
affect - that I don't want to impose on them.
It truly is the same thing here, everyday. Same routine, plus or minus
multiple casualty reports.
This week has been a busy week - with a count of upwards of 20 deaths -
this week alone.
Prior to that, it had slowed down quite a bit from the July rush and
influx of injuries and casualties.
I will begin battlefield circulation this month. Next week starts a
whirlwind tour of Afghanistan which will take
me on many travels and adventures throughout the next month.
I guarantee there will plenty to write about for the coming month... LOL
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
the process....27 August 2010
There are very few times in my life that I can remember going through
something so emotionally trying, as what I have put myself through over
the last year.
My first Divorce - was pretty painful. It was not my choice, although,
obviously I learned how to accept it and move on.
A relationship that was so powerful, so emotional, and helped me thru
some pretty traumatic times in my life - painful loss.. but, it was his
loss - so I later learned - as I discovered he was not faithful at any
point in our relationship.
It's always easier - in a sense - to be the one to leave. To be the one
that left. The sense of loss is not nearly as great - as when you have
the rug pulled out from under you, with no idea it was coming.
I've been on both sides of the fence. I have experienced the loss in
such a way that I wouldn't have fathomed was possible. I sunk to a new
low, as in depression. I fell on my face so hard I was unable to get up
for days. My children had to watch their mother curled up on a couch for
4 days, refusing to eat, sleep, drink - just cry. I then held on for
dear life to some resemblance of something, some small part of a
connection as possible, only furthering my loss - only enhancing the
emotional pain I allowed myself to suffer.
Not only has it been teaching me about myself - my limits, it has taught
me about my actions, as well. How I hurt someone, by doing the same
thing. Kharma really is a bitch - and at some point in your life, when
you don't even understand what is going on, you will look back and
remember - and realize... Kharma found you.
At one point in my life the song I'm Moving On had great meaning for me.
It inspired me to write, and write, and write - until I could write no
more and I felt this great emotional release. I felt as if that 5000 lb
elephant had been lifted and I was free again.
Things I discovered about myself as my life progressed, as I matured,
and things I kept buried for many years surfaced, leading me to look for
closure in nearly the same way as I am doing now..
Maybe that is what I am trying to do now. Purge. Write, until I feel
the same release. Write until I hurt no more. Write to make it easier -
to let it go.
Usually pain provides a drive I never thought possible. I move passed
it with a renewed dedication to accomplish something.. Something else to
focus on. Something to distract my heart, my mind and my thoughts.
I am taking that with me here. I am trying to take the negative energy
and put it towards something positive.
That is exactly what I am starting today.
Today I approached my Colonel with a new idea for a USFOR-A Casualty
Training Team - Theater Wide. (Thanks to the Navy and all their
Training Teams..lol) I am putting together training material,
references, and will be hitting the road. I will travel to all Casualty
Teams in Afghanistan - Training them on Casualty Reporting. Face to Face
visits, Teleconferences and Training Team Assist Visits. Then, sometime
later this year or early next I will be traveling to Ft Jackson South
Carolina to Train the Trainers on Casualty - so that all personnel
coming into theater for this particular job - are trained appropriately.
Maybe its not the answer. Maybe I should be sitting alone, thinking
about everything I've done, everything that has happened, why I am where
I am at today - but for me - I can only view that as prolonging my
pain.. prolonging the hurt - Letting it go, removing it from my life,
and moving forward has proven to be the only answer to a situation like
this. One day, I will go back to it - and have great memories, and
think about the great things I accomplished and experienced during those
years - for now, those thoughts simply twist a knife further into my
heart, so I would rather pick up a new project - and run with it. That's
my goal.
something so emotionally trying, as what I have put myself through over
the last year.
My first Divorce - was pretty painful. It was not my choice, although,
obviously I learned how to accept it and move on.
A relationship that was so powerful, so emotional, and helped me thru
some pretty traumatic times in my life - painful loss.. but, it was his
loss - so I later learned - as I discovered he was not faithful at any
point in our relationship.
It's always easier - in a sense - to be the one to leave. To be the one
that left. The sense of loss is not nearly as great - as when you have
the rug pulled out from under you, with no idea it was coming.
I've been on both sides of the fence. I have experienced the loss in
such a way that I wouldn't have fathomed was possible. I sunk to a new
low, as in depression. I fell on my face so hard I was unable to get up
for days. My children had to watch their mother curled up on a couch for
4 days, refusing to eat, sleep, drink - just cry. I then held on for
dear life to some resemblance of something, some small part of a
connection as possible, only furthering my loss - only enhancing the
emotional pain I allowed myself to suffer.
Not only has it been teaching me about myself - my limits, it has taught
me about my actions, as well. How I hurt someone, by doing the same
thing. Kharma really is a bitch - and at some point in your life, when
you don't even understand what is going on, you will look back and
remember - and realize... Kharma found you.
At one point in my life the song I'm Moving On had great meaning for me.
It inspired me to write, and write, and write - until I could write no
more and I felt this great emotional release. I felt as if that 5000 lb
elephant had been lifted and I was free again.
Things I discovered about myself as my life progressed, as I matured,
and things I kept buried for many years surfaced, leading me to look for
closure in nearly the same way as I am doing now..
Maybe that is what I am trying to do now. Purge. Write, until I feel
the same release. Write until I hurt no more. Write to make it easier -
to let it go.
Usually pain provides a drive I never thought possible. I move passed
it with a renewed dedication to accomplish something.. Something else to
focus on. Something to distract my heart, my mind and my thoughts.
I am taking that with me here. I am trying to take the negative energy
and put it towards something positive.
That is exactly what I am starting today.
Today I approached my Colonel with a new idea for a USFOR-A Casualty
Training Team - Theater Wide. (Thanks to the Navy and all their
Training Teams..lol) I am putting together training material,
references, and will be hitting the road. I will travel to all Casualty
Teams in Afghanistan - Training them on Casualty Reporting. Face to Face
visits, Teleconferences and Training Team Assist Visits. Then, sometime
later this year or early next I will be traveling to Ft Jackson South
Carolina to Train the Trainers on Casualty - so that all personnel
coming into theater for this particular job - are trained appropriately.
Maybe its not the answer. Maybe I should be sitting alone, thinking
about everything I've done, everything that has happened, why I am where
I am at today - but for me - I can only view that as prolonging my
pain.. prolonging the hurt - Letting it go, removing it from my life,
and moving forward has proven to be the only answer to a situation like
this. One day, I will go back to it - and have great memories, and
think about the great things I accomplished and experienced during those
years - for now, those thoughts simply twist a knife further into my
heart, so I would rather pick up a new project - and run with it. That's
my goal.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The Healing Process - 25 Aug 2010
I finally did it tonight.
I can't say that I feel any better yet, as the pain is stil searing thru my heart.
After almost a year, I let go of the final piece that was holding me back from a full recovery.
For those of you that know what I am talking about, you will be semi laughing saying "it's about time"
For so long my heart has been broken...
It has suffered regularly for the sake of my emotions....
What I didn't realize was that my emotions were not getting any better either...
No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise
This is the next phase in my recovery plan...
Taking my heart back...setting it free from the prison I have kept it in
Unlocking the the locks that's have been chained around my heart for so long
I have been a prisoner of my own demise
I let my heart suffer
Why? I don't know..maybe I felt like I deserved it
Maybe I felt like it was payback for the pain I may have caused
Or kharma for exact pain I suffer now...that I inflicted on someone else,
that only wanted to love me
I dont know why my heart has allowed this to continue..
But I knew the day would come where I would have to admit ..and it's long overdue..
But it's time to move on
I was holdin on to something that would never be
I was holding on to something that never was
I know, in my brain, time heals all wounds
I know now that no matter how hard you try
Only time will mend the broken peices
One day I will be able to look back with fond memories without the pain it now causes to think about it
When you lose someone you love..they say it's like a death in the family
I have experienced both and can say that what I have experienced this year was a prolonged funeral
Friendships are formed, bonded, grown, and possibly flowered into something quite beautiful
But they do not work the same in reverse
I am discovering the truth inside myself
Did I really deserve it
Why would I put myself thru it, if I didn't believe that
How can I of all people believe that
I am an independent strong willed confident woman,
Yet, apparently on the inside, I was an insecure little girl, punishing myself far beyond my dues
After many months and much support I have cut that string, and hit "send"
The moment I did, I thought I was going to be sick
I felt the pain rush back, the loss, the hurt,the ache
But I also felt a sense of relief a sense that now, I can move forward
My heart can finally heal
As it is right now, is in no shape for anyone else to see
I am not proud of the length of time it took me to do what was right fo me, yet even still I tried to make excuses for why I should delay
But, wisdom prevailed...thanks to my friends...and family...
So now what?
now I all myself one last cry..to grieve for the full loss my heart is now experiencing..
One last cry for the sadness that overcomes me, marking the end of this chapter
And preparing me for the next
I can't say that I feel any better yet, as the pain is stil searing thru my heart.
After almost a year, I let go of the final piece that was holding me back from a full recovery.
For those of you that know what I am talking about, you will be semi laughing saying "it's about time"
For so long my heart has been broken...
It has suffered regularly for the sake of my emotions....
What I didn't realize was that my emotions were not getting any better either...
No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise
This is the next phase in my recovery plan...
Taking my heart back...setting it free from the prison I have kept it in
Unlocking the the locks that's have been chained around my heart for so long
I have been a prisoner of my own demise
I let my heart suffer
Why? I don't know..maybe I felt like I deserved it
Maybe I felt like it was payback for the pain I may have caused
Or kharma for exact pain I suffer now...that I inflicted on someone else,
that only wanted to love me
I dont know why my heart has allowed this to continue..
But I knew the day would come where I would have to admit ..and it's long overdue..
But it's time to move on
I was holdin on to something that would never be
I was holding on to something that never was
I know, in my brain, time heals all wounds
I know now that no matter how hard you try
Only time will mend the broken peices
One day I will be able to look back with fond memories without the pain it now causes to think about it
When you lose someone you love..they say it's like a death in the family
I have experienced both and can say that what I have experienced this year was a prolonged funeral
Friendships are formed, bonded, grown, and possibly flowered into something quite beautiful
But they do not work the same in reverse
I am discovering the truth inside myself
Did I really deserve it
Why would I put myself thru it, if I didn't believe that
How can I of all people believe that
I am an independent strong willed confident woman,
Yet, apparently on the inside, I was an insecure little girl, punishing myself far beyond my dues
After many months and much support I have cut that string, and hit "send"
The moment I did, I thought I was going to be sick
I felt the pain rush back, the loss, the hurt,the ache
But I also felt a sense of relief a sense that now, I can move forward
My heart can finally heal
As it is right now, is in no shape for anyone else to see
I am not proud of the length of time it took me to do what was right fo me, yet even still I tried to make excuses for why I should delay
But, wisdom prevailed...thanks to my friends...and family...
So now what?
now I all myself one last cry..to grieve for the full loss my heart is now experiencing..
One last cry for the sadness that overcomes me, marking the end of this chapter
And preparing me for the next
Monday, August 23, 2010
Parenting from Afar
This is how you parent from afar.... LOL
New Rules...
To the kids...
So, I have done a lot of thinking, and there are some things that need
to change and some things that I want to remind you of, that I will be
asking Grandma and Papa to enforce.
I will just make a list.. we will go from there..
(1) No more Mature Rated games... it just facilitates too many bad
habits from older kids, that I don't want you to be influenced by.
You have plenty of games, and options - those 1 or 2 games aren't going
to kill you..
(2) No more all day on computer/xbox.. even if you don't anymore.. MAX
time is 1 hour - kinda aligned with Tylor's rule for himself..
That was a very good rule to go by..
You guys don't need to spend all day couped up on a computer/xbox..
There are plenty of other things to do..
(3) I want you all to start reading.. or continue reading.. You should
make a trip to the library with Gram and Papa (when they can) and have
atleast 1-2 books (CHAPTER BOOKS) that you are interested in. You need
to read. Get used to it. It will enhance your vocabulary and keep you
ready for school and all the reading you will have to do. This reading
should be for pleasure. When all else fails and you have NOTHING to do,
you should have a book to turn to.
(4) Boys - Although sleeping in one another's room is not a big deal (for the two
of you) - on school nights, you need to learn how to sleep on your own.
This is to ensure you get good nights sleep.. in your own bed.. so you
are ready for school the next day.
(5) COMMUNITY SERVICE - you will ALL start doing something for others.
At least once a month - you will find something to do for someone else..
whether it be habitat for humanity, helping at a homeless shelter,
something. I want you to experience doing something for others..
thinking of someone else and seeing what life is really like out there -
it will help you appreciate what you do have and that you have it much
better than most. Community Service is a great way to give back to the
community - believe me when I tell you, it will make your heart feel
good when you accomplish this and see the appreciation on someone else's
face for what you did for them. Be creative. Grandma and Papa - I
know this is a little more activity, but hopefully you can help them
facilitate ideas, and trips to make this happen. Kids - once a month.
And once you have completed your 'project' your assignment is to write
down in a journal or letter to me, what you did, how it made you feel,
how it made others feel and what you feel you got out of it. This is
for every time you do it. Now, I said at a minimum once a month - if
you guys can do more, that is great. BUT at a minimum once a month -
something. Ask Grandma and Papa for ideas if you can't figure it out.
(6) Bed times, Everyone will have bed times. EVERYONE. Katrina, this
is to include you. Your grades sucked last year. You will have a bed
time until you can prove that you can keep your grades up. School is
going to be harder and get harder for everyone. You all need your rest.
Boys, your bed time will remain the same as it was just before school
got out. WITH A TWIST. 830 at night.. you will be in your beds,
laying down reading or winding down to TV. 9 PM all lights/TVs go out.
That means have your teeth brushed, last water drink all of that by 830
at night. There will be no up and down.
830 pm - quiet time for you... Sleep time at 9. Katrina - 930PM in your
room, for quiet time. 10PM lights out. This means no computer,
texting, only TV or a book. ALL OF YOU- your phones will be placed on
the island at night before you go upstairs to bed. This will alleviate
any temptation to text into the wee hours of the night or beyond bed
time. You may not like my rules, but you will follow them. I trusted
you last year, Katrina, and did not give you a bed time, but your grades
SUCKED. Until you can prove otherwise, this will be your bedtime. I
will keep tabs on your grades and adjust when I feel it warrants it.
(7) Phone time - when I call, that is MY Time. You will make time for
me. If we have nothing to say to one another - then we will keep it
short. But I feel like I get the short end of the stick when I call you
and you are too wrapped up in other stuff to talk to me. Again, if
there is nothing to say, we will say hi, I love you and cut it short -
but give me the common courtesy of making 5 minutes of time for me. I
deserve that. When I call, when we talk, we will rotate on who gets to
talk to me first/last. This will be a rotation. No one gets "last
dibs" "first dibs" - Each of you are just as important to me as the
other - therefore, to make it fair, we will rotate on who talks
first/second/last.
(8) CLEAN up your own messes. You are all big enough to clean up after
yourself. This includes your bathroom. Keep it tidy. Germs spread
easy, the more you clean up after yourself, the less likely to spread
germs and its just common courtesy to everyone.
(9) HELP Grandma & Papa - not just when they ask - but if you see
something needs to be done, do it. They shouldn't have to do everything
around there, NOT SAYING that you don't help.. this is just a friendly
reminder.
(10) GAME NIGHT - with Granma & Papas help.. see if you can set up a
weekly family night. I think you might already but if not, do so. You
guys figure it out. Take turns deciding what you will do. But once a
week should be a family fun night.. (I'm not just talking movie night..)
That again, will be at Grandma & Papas discretion too, but you all need
to talk about it and figure out a good night, and a good rotation for
who gets to decide what game that night.. each of you will participate.
Just because you don't get to choose the game that night, doesn't mean
you don't have to participate.
(11) NO sass. DO not complain to me about Grandma and Papa.. I am
telling you now, they are enforcing MY RULES. THINGS have changed guys
and you will do as I say. They have not been unreasonable with you -
they want to have fun with you. It sucks that they have had to be seen
as the "bad guy" in this - but NO MORE. I am telling you now - that is
why I am sending this out. I have created rules. Most of these I
haven't talked to them about yet, but I want you to hear this from ME.
When you don't like something - blame it on me. I WILL NOT allow you to
play me vs them. I MADE the rules. You don't like them, you can
complain to me.. but it won't do you any good.. These are the rules.
PERIOD.
You are each tasked with coming up with rules for the house to add to these.
Have Grandma email them to me, and I will incorporate them on this list
of house rules.
(12) IT never hurts to ASK. The worst anyone can say is NO. But at
least you will have tried. If you want to do something or you need
something , or you have an exception to the rule question - DON'T JUST
ASSUME that I or Grandma & Papa will say NO. Ask. You can't complain
about something - if you haven't even asked. BTW - you will NOT ALWAYS
Get what you want, when you want it. PERIOD. That's life, get used to
it. Sometimes you will be able to do or get something you want..
sometimes you won't.
(13) IF YOU leave the house - Grandma or PAPA MUST know where you are
at. You will check in every hour (I had to as a kid too..) this is to
ensure your safety.
(13) NO LYING about ANYTHING. You word is on your HONOR. If you have NO
HONOR - you will not be trusted and have NO freedoms. This goes for all
of you. I have lived with blinders on... That has been proven. NO MORE. NO
LYING. PERIOD. It is much easier to come clean. Then to drag it out with
a lie. Seriously, copping to something will get you less trouble.. then lying
about it. I PROMISE YOU THAT!
THOSE ARE MY RULES. I will find out if Grandma and Papa have anything to
add.. but that is it. Follow those rules and life will be simple and
fun.
You want to complain about my rules - complain to me. BUT I'm telling
you now - they are not changing. These are basics.. very basics.. You
have it good. Be grateful. It could be worse.. much worse.. and I
promise you this.. I CAN GET MUCH worse. Don't make me. It would be
taking away from the good times Grandma and Papa want to have with you.
I love you all with all my heart.
Mom
New Rules...
To the kids...
So, I have done a lot of thinking, and there are some things that need
to change and some things that I want to remind you of, that I will be
asking Grandma and Papa to enforce.
I will just make a list.. we will go from there..
(1) No more Mature Rated games... it just facilitates too many bad
habits from older kids, that I don't want you to be influenced by.
You have plenty of games, and options - those 1 or 2 games aren't going
to kill you..
(2) No more all day on computer/xbox.. even if you don't anymore.. MAX
time is 1 hour - kinda aligned with Tylor's rule for himself..
That was a very good rule to go by..
You guys don't need to spend all day couped up on a computer/xbox..
There are plenty of other things to do..
(3) I want you all to start reading.. or continue reading.. You should
make a trip to the library with Gram and Papa (when they can) and have
atleast 1-2 books (CHAPTER BOOKS) that you are interested in. You need
to read. Get used to it. It will enhance your vocabulary and keep you
ready for school and all the reading you will have to do. This reading
should be for pleasure. When all else fails and you have NOTHING to do,
you should have a book to turn to.
(4) Boys - Although sleeping in one another's room is not a big deal (for the two
of you) - on school nights, you need to learn how to sleep on your own.
This is to ensure you get good nights sleep.. in your own bed.. so you
are ready for school the next day.
(5) COMMUNITY SERVICE - you will ALL start doing something for others.
At least once a month - you will find something to do for someone else..
whether it be habitat for humanity, helping at a homeless shelter,
something. I want you to experience doing something for others..
thinking of someone else and seeing what life is really like out there -
it will help you appreciate what you do have and that you have it much
better than most. Community Service is a great way to give back to the
community - believe me when I tell you, it will make your heart feel
good when you accomplish this and see the appreciation on someone else's
face for what you did for them. Be creative. Grandma and Papa - I
know this is a little more activity, but hopefully you can help them
facilitate ideas, and trips to make this happen. Kids - once a month.
And once you have completed your 'project' your assignment is to write
down in a journal or letter to me, what you did, how it made you feel,
how it made others feel and what you feel you got out of it. This is
for every time you do it. Now, I said at a minimum once a month - if
you guys can do more, that is great. BUT at a minimum once a month -
something. Ask Grandma and Papa for ideas if you can't figure it out.
(6) Bed times, Everyone will have bed times. EVERYONE. Katrina, this
is to include you. Your grades sucked last year. You will have a bed
time until you can prove that you can keep your grades up. School is
going to be harder and get harder for everyone. You all need your rest.
Boys, your bed time will remain the same as it was just before school
got out. WITH A TWIST. 830 at night.. you will be in your beds,
laying down reading or winding down to TV. 9 PM all lights/TVs go out.
That means have your teeth brushed, last water drink all of that by 830
at night. There will be no up and down.
830 pm - quiet time for you... Sleep time at 9. Katrina - 930PM in your
room, for quiet time. 10PM lights out. This means no computer,
texting, only TV or a book. ALL OF YOU- your phones will be placed on
the island at night before you go upstairs to bed. This will alleviate
any temptation to text into the wee hours of the night or beyond bed
time. You may not like my rules, but you will follow them. I trusted
you last year, Katrina, and did not give you a bed time, but your grades
SUCKED. Until you can prove otherwise, this will be your bedtime. I
will keep tabs on your grades and adjust when I feel it warrants it.
(7) Phone time - when I call, that is MY Time. You will make time for
me. If we have nothing to say to one another - then we will keep it
short. But I feel like I get the short end of the stick when I call you
and you are too wrapped up in other stuff to talk to me. Again, if
there is nothing to say, we will say hi, I love you and cut it short -
but give me the common courtesy of making 5 minutes of time for me. I
deserve that. When I call, when we talk, we will rotate on who gets to
talk to me first/last. This will be a rotation. No one gets "last
dibs" "first dibs" - Each of you are just as important to me as the
other - therefore, to make it fair, we will rotate on who talks
first/second/last.
(8) CLEAN up your own messes. You are all big enough to clean up after
yourself. This includes your bathroom. Keep it tidy. Germs spread
easy, the more you clean up after yourself, the less likely to spread
germs and its just common courtesy to everyone.
(9) HELP Grandma & Papa - not just when they ask - but if you see
something needs to be done, do it. They shouldn't have to do everything
around there, NOT SAYING that you don't help.. this is just a friendly
reminder.
(10) GAME NIGHT - with Granma & Papas help.. see if you can set up a
weekly family night. I think you might already but if not, do so. You
guys figure it out. Take turns deciding what you will do. But once a
week should be a family fun night.. (I'm not just talking movie night..)
That again, will be at Grandma & Papas discretion too, but you all need
to talk about it and figure out a good night, and a good rotation for
who gets to decide what game that night.. each of you will participate.
Just because you don't get to choose the game that night, doesn't mean
you don't have to participate.
(11) NO sass. DO not complain to me about Grandma and Papa.. I am
telling you now, they are enforcing MY RULES. THINGS have changed guys
and you will do as I say. They have not been unreasonable with you -
they want to have fun with you. It sucks that they have had to be seen
as the "bad guy" in this - but NO MORE. I am telling you now - that is
why I am sending this out. I have created rules. Most of these I
haven't talked to them about yet, but I want you to hear this from ME.
When you don't like something - blame it on me. I WILL NOT allow you to
play me vs them. I MADE the rules. You don't like them, you can
complain to me.. but it won't do you any good.. These are the rules.
PERIOD.
You are each tasked with coming up with rules for the house to add to these.
Have Grandma email them to me, and I will incorporate them on this list
of house rules.
(12) IT never hurts to ASK. The worst anyone can say is NO. But at
least you will have tried. If you want to do something or you need
something , or you have an exception to the rule question - DON'T JUST
ASSUME that I or Grandma & Papa will say NO. Ask. You can't complain
about something - if you haven't even asked. BTW - you will NOT ALWAYS
Get what you want, when you want it. PERIOD. That's life, get used to
it. Sometimes you will be able to do or get something you want..
sometimes you won't.
(13) IF YOU leave the house - Grandma or PAPA MUST know where you are
at. You will check in every hour (I had to as a kid too..) this is to
ensure your safety.
(13) NO LYING about ANYTHING. You word is on your HONOR. If you have NO
HONOR - you will not be trusted and have NO freedoms. This goes for all
of you. I have lived with blinders on... That has been proven. NO MORE. NO
LYING. PERIOD. It is much easier to come clean. Then to drag it out with
a lie. Seriously, copping to something will get you less trouble.. then lying
about it. I PROMISE YOU THAT!
THOSE ARE MY RULES. I will find out if Grandma and Papa have anything to
add.. but that is it. Follow those rules and life will be simple and
fun.
You want to complain about my rules - complain to me. BUT I'm telling
you now - they are not changing. These are basics.. very basics.. You
have it good. Be grateful. It could be worse.. much worse.. and I
promise you this.. I CAN GET MUCH worse. Don't make me. It would be
taking away from the good times Grandma and Papa want to have with you.
I love you all with all my heart.
Mom
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday the 13th of August
I guess its been almost a week since I have written... its been a little busy - more in my personal life, than in work (fortunately).
This week started the month long holiday of Rammadan, so I am hoping this means that my work will be slow. We'll see.
The kids made it home Tuesday and are doing fine. Its an adjustment for everyone, including my parents, and I think they are starting off just fine. As always, they do adjust and life becomes simple again, as simple as it can be..more routinish.. if that makes sense.
The load on me has slowed down a bit. I am about 95% done with populating the database...
BUT everytime I get done... the Deputy thinks of a new field to add (to track) and then that starts the whole process all over again...
I havent had much time for me lately.. but today I took a me day..
I was supposed to be off.. I did sleep in.. went in for a couple hours this afternoon.. left
and went back for a couple hours this evening.. then left..
so mostly, I have been able to just do what I needed..
I did get some much needed ironing done...(Can't stand wearing wrinkled uniforms..)
and tried to wash the grey out of my hair.. hmm... it was about 95% successful as well.. LOL
stubborn grays..
Anyhow, not much else going on.. trying to wind down..
I am almost 1/4 the way done with my tour.. lol which, in the present, doesn't seem like much,
but in the big picture... it is.. .:)
Trying to get my routine back.. now that I am not swamped.. and can breathe alittle.. need to get back to me time.. gym time and relax time.. hopefully I can push it in my schedule again starting Monday :)
We'll see.. as always.. will keep you posted...
(Sorry.. nothing exciting to report tonight...)
This week started the month long holiday of Rammadan, so I am hoping this means that my work will be slow. We'll see.
The kids made it home Tuesday and are doing fine. Its an adjustment for everyone, including my parents, and I think they are starting off just fine. As always, they do adjust and life becomes simple again, as simple as it can be..more routinish.. if that makes sense.
The load on me has slowed down a bit. I am about 95% done with populating the database...
BUT everytime I get done... the Deputy thinks of a new field to add (to track) and then that starts the whole process all over again...
I havent had much time for me lately.. but today I took a me day..
I was supposed to be off.. I did sleep in.. went in for a couple hours this afternoon.. left
and went back for a couple hours this evening.. then left..
so mostly, I have been able to just do what I needed..
I did get some much needed ironing done...(Can't stand wearing wrinkled uniforms..)
and tried to wash the grey out of my hair.. hmm... it was about 95% successful as well.. LOL
stubborn grays..
Anyhow, not much else going on.. trying to wind down..
I am almost 1/4 the way done with my tour.. lol which, in the present, doesn't seem like much,
but in the big picture... it is.. .:)
Trying to get my routine back.. now that I am not swamped.. and can breathe alittle.. need to get back to me time.. gym time and relax time.. hopefully I can push it in my schedule again starting Monday :)
We'll see.. as always.. will keep you posted...
(Sorry.. nothing exciting to report tonight...)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Reminding my Mom
After the way things have gone and all the advice I am giving out.. it made me realize how lucky I am to have the relationship with my mom that I always wanted. It took some troubling teenage years as well... and getting into adulthood, before we were able to patch our relationship up.
Since then, she has been one of my best friends. This morning, I decided to remind her of that with an email to wake up to:
In case I haven't told you lately, I want to remind you how incredibly lucky I am to have you as a mom. I know we went thru my teen years as well, and it took until I was an adult for us to work thru the issues We had. But I am so grateful that we did and I am very grateful to have you. I love the relationship that We share. It is the kind of relationship I dreamed we would have, when I was younger. I always wanted You as my best-friend. Someone I could
call 5 times a day and it would be okay. Someone I could talk to About anything with no judgments.. (most of the time :)) and someone that will be honest with me when I might be taking the wrong path, or just on the wrong side of the road, period. Thank you. Thank you For always supporting me, even when you didn't want to or didn't agree. And thank you for taking care Of the kids while I am deployed. Thank you in advance for the drama that will surely follow throughout the Year, and the stressed out days that might follow as well. I love you. Thank you for being my mom.
Since then, she has been one of my best friends. This morning, I decided to remind her of that with an email to wake up to:
In case I haven't told you lately, I want to remind you how incredibly lucky I am to have you as a mom. I know we went thru my teen years as well, and it took until I was an adult for us to work thru the issues We had. But I am so grateful that we did and I am very grateful to have you. I love the relationship that We share. It is the kind of relationship I dreamed we would have, when I was younger. I always wanted You as my best-friend. Someone I could
call 5 times a day and it would be okay. Someone I could talk to About anything with no judgments.. (most of the time :)) and someone that will be honest with me when I might be taking the wrong path, or just on the wrong side of the road, period. Thank you. Thank you For always supporting me, even when you didn't want to or didn't agree. And thank you for taking care Of the kids while I am deployed. Thank you in advance for the drama that will surely follow throughout the Year, and the stressed out days that might follow as well. I love you. Thank you for being my mom.
Letter #2
DAY TWO Of not really talking to Katrina - or really.. just not letting her BS me. I have called to tell her goodnight and I love her.. but won't let it go any further than that.
I know she is not ready to discuss this like an adult. I know she is still to upset, defensive and has excuses coming out of her ears she is ready to feed to me.. BUT I am not listening.
I am hoping some words of hopeful wisdom.. some motherly advice, will help get her back on track. I figure it will be a few days at a minimum, before I am ready to talk to her about the other night... We'll see.
In the interim, I sent her an email, reminding her of the important things in life. The things that matter, the things that will mold her into the young woman I know she will become:
Good morning, I hope you slept well.
I want you to know that I love you. I may be disappointed and hurt by
your actions, but I still love you. I want you to be the best person you can be, and
right now, you are not heading in that direction. I want you to be honest with
yourself and think about the people that you have hurt. Instead of thinking about the pain
you are in, because I won't talk to you about it - think about the crazy drama you
brought to Aunt Tammys house this summer, the undue stress you put on her, Uncle
Mike, Dylon and your brothers. Think about your actions and how they affect
others around you. Think about how Grandma & Papa felt and how I felt, when we knew
you were no where to be found.
Instead of thinking of reasons why you did it, or justifications to make
it all better, accept, understand and know that you were wrong. On all
accounts. Your actions. You need to take responsibility for your actions. When
you do that, I should not hear anything about how you were feeling or how you thought
this - we should be hearing how truly sorry you are to have caused so much pain
and drama this summer to everyone around you and involved.
You need to think about the friends and family outside that house that
you used. Friends and family that you manipulated. Aunt Kathy for one. She has
loved you from day one and you tried to use her. You tried to abuse your
relationship with her, for your benefit. When you do things like that - that is how you lose
friends. That is how you lose support. You are lucky to have her and you basically made
her realize you were just using her. That is no way to treat anyone. You need to
take responsibility for the manipulations you have created between you and everyone around
you. You need to take responsibility for the crappy way you have treated your brothers.
You are lucky to have them. I understand most siblings have sibling rivalry - but Katrina
you go too far. You walk all over them and treat them as if they don't deserve to
breathe the same air as you.. they don't deserve that. Its their job to be irritating, just
as its your job to be bossy as the older sister.. but you take it too far and you need
to start understanding that its those boys, your brothers that will have your back as you
get older. The more you abuse them now, the less likely you will be to have them
at your side when you truly need them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them. Don't ruin that... before you even get the chance to truly appreciate them.
I'm not saying you are solely to blame for everything that is happened..but you are
to blame for your actions. You - of all people - need to take care of you.
What was it you told me once "I have standards, Mom" So have those standards, raise them and understand that YOU are the keeper of your body. It is the ONLY body you will get. If YOU abuse it, or allow others to ABUSE it, you will end up feeling abused and lonely. You will end up with the reputation that no girl wants and most of all - you will lose yourself!
YOU should have standards. You should set the bar soo high that it is almost unreachable, because that is what you deserve. Not a one or two week fling that turns to sex and then the whole thing disappears. SEX is an adult act, one that you are not ready for. It takes an emotional toll and can really mess up your psychee if you aren't careful. You should not be having intimate relations with anyone until you know you LOVE him and he LOVES and respects you and you are going to have a future together! At 15 - that is not going to happen honey, no matter what you think and how much you may "like" someone. It won't be forever, and therefore you should be saving yourself! Save your self for someone who deserves you. Not many that just claim to like you..and then toss you aside when they are done..
You deserve better than that, and therefore should EXPECT more. NO LESS! Please take this to heart, and really listen to what I am saying. I know you will make mistakes along the way, but I just want to help you minimize those mistakes, therefore minimizing the damage.
Life is about so much more than this. This - the trouble you are in, the lying, the boys. Life is about having a dream and following it. Being successful is not necessarily about how many boyfriends you've had, how many friends you have ... truly successful means aspiring to something and accomplishing it. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. That is what truly fills your heart. The rest of life, love and everything else, will fall in to place as it does, as you walk that path to accomplishing your goals. AND when that happens, if it deters you from your dreams, it is not right. Someone who truly loves and respects you will support you in your dreams and help you accomplish them. That will come later. Don't rush love. Don't rush life. Don't be in such a rush to be a grown up - that you forget to enjoy your high school years.
That's enough for now.
I love you.
Mommy
I know she is not ready to discuss this like an adult. I know she is still to upset, defensive and has excuses coming out of her ears she is ready to feed to me.. BUT I am not listening.
I am hoping some words of hopeful wisdom.. some motherly advice, will help get her back on track. I figure it will be a few days at a minimum, before I am ready to talk to her about the other night... We'll see.
In the interim, I sent her an email, reminding her of the important things in life. The things that matter, the things that will mold her into the young woman I know she will become:
Good morning, I hope you slept well.
I want you to know that I love you. I may be disappointed and hurt by
your actions, but I still love you. I want you to be the best person you can be, and
right now, you are not heading in that direction. I want you to be honest with
yourself and think about the people that you have hurt. Instead of thinking about the pain
you are in, because I won't talk to you about it - think about the crazy drama you
brought to Aunt Tammys house this summer, the undue stress you put on her, Uncle
Mike, Dylon and your brothers. Think about your actions and how they affect
others around you. Think about how Grandma & Papa felt and how I felt, when we knew
you were no where to be found.
Instead of thinking of reasons why you did it, or justifications to make
it all better, accept, understand and know that you were wrong. On all
accounts. Your actions. You need to take responsibility for your actions. When
you do that, I should not hear anything about how you were feeling or how you thought
this - we should be hearing how truly sorry you are to have caused so much pain
and drama this summer to everyone around you and involved.
You need to think about the friends and family outside that house that
you used. Friends and family that you manipulated. Aunt Kathy for one. She has
loved you from day one and you tried to use her. You tried to abuse your
relationship with her, for your benefit. When you do things like that - that is how you lose
friends. That is how you lose support. You are lucky to have her and you basically made
her realize you were just using her. That is no way to treat anyone. You need to
take responsibility for the manipulations you have created between you and everyone around
you. You need to take responsibility for the crappy way you have treated your brothers.
You are lucky to have them. I understand most siblings have sibling rivalry - but Katrina
you go too far. You walk all over them and treat them as if they don't deserve to
breathe the same air as you.. they don't deserve that. Its their job to be irritating, just
as its your job to be bossy as the older sister.. but you take it too far and you need
to start understanding that its those boys, your brothers that will have your back as you
get older. The more you abuse them now, the less likely you will be to have them
at your side when you truly need them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them. Don't ruin that... before you even get the chance to truly appreciate them.
I'm not saying you are solely to blame for everything that is happened..but you are
to blame for your actions. You - of all people - need to take care of you.
What was it you told me once "I have standards, Mom" So have those standards, raise them and understand that YOU are the keeper of your body. It is the ONLY body you will get. If YOU abuse it, or allow others to ABUSE it, you will end up feeling abused and lonely. You will end up with the reputation that no girl wants and most of all - you will lose yourself!
YOU should have standards. You should set the bar soo high that it is almost unreachable, because that is what you deserve. Not a one or two week fling that turns to sex and then the whole thing disappears. SEX is an adult act, one that you are not ready for. It takes an emotional toll and can really mess up your psychee if you aren't careful. You should not be having intimate relations with anyone until you know you LOVE him and he LOVES and respects you and you are going to have a future together! At 15 - that is not going to happen honey, no matter what you think and how much you may "like" someone. It won't be forever, and therefore you should be saving yourself! Save your self for someone who deserves you. Not many that just claim to like you..and then toss you aside when they are done..
You deserve better than that, and therefore should EXPECT more. NO LESS! Please take this to heart, and really listen to what I am saying. I know you will make mistakes along the way, but I just want to help you minimize those mistakes, therefore minimizing the damage.
Life is about so much more than this. This - the trouble you are in, the lying, the boys. Life is about having a dream and following it. Being successful is not necessarily about how many boyfriends you've had, how many friends you have ... truly successful means aspiring to something and accomplishing it. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. That is what truly fills your heart. The rest of life, love and everything else, will fall in to place as it does, as you walk that path to accomplishing your goals. AND when that happens, if it deters you from your dreams, it is not right. Someone who truly loves and respects you will support you in your dreams and help you accomplish them. That will come later. Don't rush love. Don't rush life. Don't be in such a rush to be a grown up - that you forget to enjoy your high school years.
That's enough for now.
I love you.
Mommy
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