Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Today was a pretty busy day for us.. No.. actually it was REALLY busy. We had non-stop reports all day today.
Last night there was an attack.. insurgents stormed a Police HQ building.. Killing a few and injuring many others!
Then today we had another IED incident which killed 4 of the 5 occupants and Seriously injured another.
Not a good day.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38239888/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/

I have been trying to adjust my schedule lately.. seeing what works best for me..
Originally I had proposed 0600-2100 because I would take 2 hours during the day to go PT.
To be honest.. besides the smoke breaks.. that was about the only break I would get throughout the day..
Every meal I get to go and eat it at my desk while working..

I started doing Insanity at 0500 but have quickly realized that with the long hours, lack of wind down time, and inability to sleep before 1030 or 11pm at night.. that is not going to work for me. It would be one thing if I had a normal schedule.. where I was home early enough in the evening to chill out.. but I am not.. and I can't do it. My body normally wakes up about 530-600 in the morning.. no alarm necessary.. so.. I am going to stick with that. I will have to work my workouts in, when I get them.. daily.. but different times, based on the activities that day.

Unfortunately it is hard to have a set schedule to PT or anything else for that matter when there is no set schedule for casualties..
Today, is a good example.. I would not and could not leave today to go work out with the amount of reports we had in our inbox to process.
I will find time, but, unfortunately, I can't do the set schedule thing. I will try.. I am going to try and attend the P90X sessions that we have in the afternoons.. on days I can.. I will.. on days I can't.. I will do my own PT at the time available.

I talk about it, because I feel like a failure...I had such high hopes and goals.. but.. it will just have to wait and work around my schedule.
I will find my time daily to work out.. but it won't be the insanity at 0500.

Its amazing the difference I feel in the morning waking up at 0530/600 vice 0500, especially when I work about 14-15 hours a day.
So - all of you followers out there.. don't be disappointed in me.. I will work out.. but.. just not what I thought I would be doing...

So, a couple night ago - I was on the smoke deck and one of my fellow LTs was out there..he asked me how I was doing, if this ever gets to me, etc etc..
So I explained my coping mechanism.. and then he asked me.. "Is it worth it?" So I replied.."The job?" and he said, "NO, this.."
Hmmmm... I had to think for a minute.
Now, no matter what you think of our president, or out country, or the war, this question can almost never be simply a black or white answer, but,
I blurted out, "No." Then I thought about my answer. I had never really thought about it. Thought about what are we doing here? Why are soo many people dying everyday? Are we actually making progress? And if we were, or are, then why are soo many people still dying?

These are all hard questions, but I am not about to get into a debate (especially political or war driven) with anyone..
I have my own views and my own opinions from a different perspective.. one different than most, simply because I see first-hand ALL casualty reports for Afghanistan. Now - this doesn't mean I have a better perspective, it's just mine.. and its based on what I see, and what is reported..
Anyways, the purpose of this was to say that quite honestly, I had never really thought about the war.. why we are here.. what we are doing, if it is working, etc.. I have never been much for politics and quite honestly until 6 months ago, probably couldn't have even shown you on a map where Afghanistan was. Now that I am here, it is different. I have to answer that question for myself... after some diligent thought.

Okay, enough political stuff.. okay.. well, maybe not.
I seen a post of facebook today from one of my friends from the ship, Brett,

https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foxnews.com%2Fpolitics%2F2010%2F07%2F13%2Fgitmo-detainees-serve-time-playing-games-talking-family-skype-taking-classes%2F%3Ftest%3Dlatestnews&h=9b81d


This article talked about the privileges the detainees are now getting: Cable TV (18 channels) WIFI, Computer/internet area, skype, flat screen TVs to watch their cable..
Then I thought about that and compared it to us.. here in Kabul - we have 16 channels.. (when we're lucky) a WIFI café thru the USO with NO computers.. and an MWR movie area in the basement with 1 flat screen tv.. .

Something is wrong with that picture when the detainees get to SKYPE home, and ours is barely enough bandwidth to IM...
Now - yes... we are lucky to have anything... I'm just sayin...


The summer is winding down for my kids and my parents. My parents are packing up their house as we speak (okay, well, my mom is probably still sleeping as I write this..) but you get the point.. they will be leaving within the next 2 weeks, with 30 years worth of "stuff" to head down to San Marcos. This is a big move for them.. and I hope they know how grateful I am! The kids will be heading home in a few weeks (1st week of August) so that they have enough time to readjust and get ready for the next school year...They are having a blast with Aunt Tammy and I hope she knows how grateful I am to her as well for the great summer memories she has shared with them.

My night is winding down. The night shift has come in and I am thinking I am going to leave here pretty soon. Its already about 2015 and I've been here since about 615 this morning. I think its time to go.. :)

Sunday, 11 Jul 2010

SO, I am having problems sleeping now....I can't seem to get my brain to shut off...
and quite honestly, I have avoided writing the last couple days because I am a little peev'd and feel like I should justify what I write or moreover apologize for what I complain about..

I know other people have it much worse than I do.. BUT when I am in an environment that proclaims to offer the essential necessities for living, I expect that. If I knew I was going to the desert.. a foxhole.. I would expect that.. but.. I am living on a facility with bathrooms.. running water. I expect to have some kind of sanitary standards..

like.. not having a toilet that leaks from the bottom of the bowl.. walking on someone's urine as i go into the stall...like.. not showering in a shower that has mold growing up and down it..Its sad when you feel like you need a shower after your shower.. so you go to the tent that actually works well.. across the FOB.. just to shower again and feel like you have no mold on you.. or urine.. or.. you don't smell like a urinal.. errggh..

Okay.. enough.. Im done with that.. you all get the point. Its gross... and thats it. its just gross!

Now, I do appreciate the support I get from everyone, but I dont' want to have to put a disclaimer before every blog that I might bitch, or complain or vent in. Please. This is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings. I can't call a girlfriend on the phone and vent. I cant have a glass of wine over dinner to unwind. I can't go to a friends house and cry on a shoulder.. so I BLOG. Its mine. I don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate the fact that people read and support and follow me.. but please dont get offended when I write. I know some of my readers have been here.. done that... and had it much worse.. and I know.. it could be oooooh soo worse.. I could be in KUWAIT.. that could be much worse!! LOL
so take what I write.. with a grain of salt and understand this is my views.. with my comparisons to life at home.. in my house.. in California.

To another subject... talk about a small world.. not only is Donovan here.. *which by the way he came by today.. had some business to take care of here.. so came by to see me.. BUT Katrina's dad is also here in town.. at the Embassy.. talk about a small world!! I met him when I met Donovan.. :) Strange how we have ended up in the same place across the world!! :)
My ex high school boyfriend and my ex-husband.. LMAO.. boy.. when they say they follow you to the ends of the world.. I guess they weren't joking.. LMAO Just Kidding.. LOL
Its nice to know some people here.. Katrina wasn't too happy that both Mom and Dad were here in Kabul... in a war zone... but.. he's not here for very long.. so she will be okay :)

As for me.. I am okay.. the last couple days have been busy, sad...
I can't get my brain to shut off at night.. I get off work.. come home.. watch TV a little... and then try to sleep.. but.. I lay here.. toss and turn...

Hopefully... I can get tired enough that my brain will finally shut off.. I am tired..going to try and sleep now...

Friday, 9 July 2010

So, today is my day off.. and so far it is much better than the last one..
Last night I came home from work, fairly on time, and organized all my
stuff... unpacked and made my little area (about 5x6 ft) into a home for
the next year! :)
I spend most the evening chatting with George on chat.. and loving
getting caught up. I missed my friend and the friendship we shared for
many years.
Then, I went to bed about 1230 or so, and woke up about 9 am this morning!
Yes.. I slept in!!
Now, I am sitting on my bed, on my laptop, watching TV :)
I have my room to myself becuase the one new room mate I have is gone for
the week, and I have yet to get another.. which, I am sure will happen soon.
BUT, until then, I am enjoying the sanctity..

Thank you to Ben for the humongous care package he sent! OMGosh.. and the
DVD sets that he sent.. they are what is keeping me occupied right now!

SO, today, not alot to talk about.. so I am going to Bitch about a few
things here:

(1) the bathrooms.. heads...latrines.. whatever you want to call them..
ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING and UNSANITARY! All of them except the one in my
building at work. THese cadillac rest rooms with showers are disgusting.

The toilets don't flush - 99% of the time. THe plumbing gets clogged soo
easily that by 9am in the morning the toilets arent working.
There is no ventilation.. so if someone showers and the water is hot.. you
can imagine its like a sauna in there. To make it worse, one of the toilets
leaks from the bottom of the bowl to the floor - which makes the room
smell like a urinal!

The showers are in stalls that have lost the tiles. There is mold growing
on the walls.
To give them some credit, they did fix the leaky pipe that was spraying water
all over the floor.. and..they put a black raised matt down so that we aren't
stepping on the water puddles that are there caused by the showers. THe shower
stalls are about the size of the ship shower stalls - but there is a shower
curtain, and becuase the area is soo small.. you feel like the curtain is
constantly touching you... eeewww...

So - that is the bathrooms.. its a crap shoot on which one you can use.. last night
I had to walk across to the other row of bathrooms becuase this one was
disgustingly clogged with toilet paper that wouldn't flush. To put it bluntly,
if you have to go #2 - you are better off ensuring you do that in the building
bathroom... prior to leaving work. :)

Okay, so that is enough about the bathrooms..

As far as brushing teeth - the water here is NOT drinkable, nor brush your
teethable.. :) Only showerable. :) or flushable.. :)
I miss being able to just walk in to a shower bare foot (vice having to wear
flip flops) and being able to brush my teeth without having to use a bottle of
water...
Could it be worse HELL YES.. I know this. I know I could be in a fox hole
somewhere with no running water at all.. in 140 degree heat, like some of
my fellow service members.. so I am not complaining in the sense that I have
it soo bad here.. I am simply trying to give you a visual of what it is like
here.

Enough for now.. will write more later tonight! :)

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

So, its been a few days since I have written. I am struggling with my internet in my room and quite honestly, too damn lazy to go sit outside at night to get the USO wireless... I have been working late and taking advantage of the free calls home from work.

So, I think last time I blogged, I talked about staying at work one night until about 1230 - this was a long night.. and even longer day the next day, due to getting up early to PT.

I am trying to find my niche and get in to a routine. What I thought i was going to be able to do.. well.. what I thought and what I can do, feasibly - are two different things.

They started Insanity in the mornings - and P90X in the afternoons. I am motivate to workout and wanted to do both, but due to my schedule, I think I will have to do the insanity in the mornings - since it does not conflict with work. trying to do something scheduled in the afternoon does not work, since, we never know what is going to come in. I was going to start P90X on Monday with the group - basically starting over .. again... after having just started over last week - however, 10 minutes before I was due to leave, we got a multi-casualty in.. which gets us all busy. So, I think Insanity in the mornings and P90X - when I can.. on days I can - in the afternoon. On days I can't - well, I can't.
After Insanity - they are going to do the P90X again.. so maybe I will catch it then.. we'll see. So far.. I am loving/hating insanity.. as it pushes me cardio wise.. more than I normally push myself on the elliptical..

So – its been a busy week for me.. I left off last time talking about how I had a rough day.. It was a rough day. One of my battle buddies had a really rough time.. it was a reality check for those of us over here.. at how quickly your emotions can get the best of you. Being over here isn’t just a burden of worry about ourselves.. what people don’t realize is that we still carry the weight and burden of our families, and their worries. What happens at home, although 7,000 miles away (halfway around the world) – still affects us. We can tend to feel helpless. Useless. What can we do from here? How can we help? Then, we carry that burden, unannounced, for the duration. Those burdens add up. Now, couple that with the stress of being in a war zone, worrying about your future once you leave here, and possible relationship issues/marital issues, kid issues, you name it.. Things can spiral pretty quickly! Fortunately, we, as battle buddies (even at different FOBS) are looking out for one another and are here to lend an ear when needed.

That night I also dealt with some work casualties that left me speechless and with a hurting heart for those that suffered and their families. A HMMWV was hit by an IED, rolled over and burst into flames. Of the 4 service members inside, they were only able to get two of them out before the vehicle was surrounded by flames. The vehicle burned for about 10 hours. 10 hours. Take that as you will. That broke my heart to think about the casualty, and really messed me up that night.

It is difficult sometimes, so I vent. I vent, I have a bad day like everyone else, I cry, and then I get over it. Its not very often that it gets to me. I am learning to view the names as just names… nothing more.. but sometimes, some incidents you just can’t wrap your head around and it catches you off guard.

Anyhow, so, that is how that is going. Kids are doing well. Tylor is just as easy going as ever and enjoying his summer, him and Travis are going to Vacation Bible school, and Katrina, well, she is 15. You could not pay me enough to go back to that age… her 15, the boys in their pretweens.. OMGosh! Umm.. Yea.. I guess that’s what they call it the “Wonder Years” because we parents are asking the question… “I Wonder if it will get better” LMAO
Altho we all know the answer to that. J
Well, lets see… yesterday was a good day for me. I was able to reconnect with someone and get some closure that had been a long time coming. I have never been a vindictive, or “get back at you” type person.. and I have never been in a relationship that ended with the two of us “hating” or not speaking to one another.. But, this had been the case for a few years.. and it was weighing heavy on my heart. I carry a lot of guilt and regret for how things fell, and was given the opportunity to put some things to peace. It was nice. And I am very grateful!

My roommates moved out so I was able to move to the back of the room.. on the single bed!! Woohoo!! I will update pics soon! Its nice to be on a normal bed.. and set it up.. feeling a little like home. J

Random Comment: Have I ever told you we have a civilian that works here.. Foreign National who look EXACTLY like a cleaned up Sadaam Hussein? It was a little freaky the first time I saw him... and the weirdness has yet to fade..

Okay, I think that does it for me tonight. Good night all!

Saturday, 2 Jul 2010

Much better day today.. but, that's probably because I worked all day.. this time, I mean ALL day.. I didn't even break for PT.. 0600 until about 1230 this morning..
Stayed busy - which is never good for others and their families..

But, I also am in the middle of creating a new tracker for USFOR-A Cas Cell to use. Right now, they use like 5 different trackers in Excel.. its crazy. I spent all day until about 2000 working on a new database to use - so the info only has to be input ONCE vice 5 different places.. Then I had to import all the data and reformat some.. its still a work in progress - but should be ready to roll by Monday I hope..
It will help to expedite the processing on our end.. with less input. We do so much redundant inputs - its ridiculous!

I've already created a database to track my files.. (I maintain and track all the deceased files - from beginning until the case is closed.. and that too, was being tracked in excel- I made a more user friendly tracker in Access and am loving it. It took about 2 days to populate with all my files and info - but now, it makes my life easier for tracking and completing the files.

I should've been a programmer or something.. lol

I used to create programs in DOS too (yea.. I know.. just showed my age) when I was enlisted.. Created a database that also produced forms for inputting information for reservists.. when I worked at RNCF in Gulfport. The funny thing was, SURFOR used it long after I was gone.. and about 4 years after the fact I had a CDR find me.. from SURFOR.. asking about the programming and how to manipulate it.. kinda cool.. :)

Anyhow, so today my day was spent mostly creating this database to make my guys' life in the office a little easier. Its a pain now.. but will be well worth it later! :)

It was good busy work.. on top of the processing work later tonight. A few more multi-casualties came in.. busy day today for the soldiers out there -- outside the wires.
I thank GOD For them.. they are keeping me safe here.. and their lives are definitely on the line outside the wires.. buts its their job and they do it.. for us.. for their country.. for themselves. GOD be with them all each and every time they go out on a mission!

So - here's something simple.. actually talked to the 2 star yesterday.. :) General McHale..the General who will sign my FITREP.. I think he's the first 2 star I've ever talked to... lol I worked for an Admiral when I was a second class.. but.. that was it..
Here.. I see more birds and stars.. wowza.. But, I bet compared to the Pentagon... this is nothing. I will say.. being here makes me feel like a SEAMAN all over again.. A LT here is nothin..lol On a FFG - A LT is a Dept Head.. we looked up to them as our all knowing.. (okay.. not all.. just a few select) but here.. we are a dime a dozen.. lol Nothing spectacular.. blah blah blah.. So - yes.. I think I was a little star struck talking to a 2 star... (get it?? lol .. star struck? LMAO) okay.. now I know I'm tired..


Okay, I am done for the night! Its been a long day and I am tired!! Have lots of things to catch up on tomorrow since I did concentrate so much on the database today...
Hmmm.. tomorrow is a late day.. maybe I will take advantage of it, since I worked so late today? We'll see...

Friday, 02 July 2010 cont...

So, I took my nap.. and woke up in time to do my P90X! Now, unfortunately, I had to do it alone today, but, I did it! Then I showered and went to work to check on things.. My oh my it has been a busy day for the Taliban here in Afghanistan.

Insurgents continue to strike out however possible -
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38051542/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia

Gun Battles/RPGs, and Vehicle Borne IEDs are on the rampage here the last couple days.
As the article above eludes, the bombing provoked a gun battle that lasted several hours.
I feel for those men and women - as I sit in my cush office, visualizing what must go thru their heads as they heat up and push on. I receive the casualty reports and linger for a few moments of sadness, and then within hours see their names and pictures across the TV (for the fallen soldiers/sailors/airmen alike. Today, I was working a file for a SM (service member) that died a couple days ago, as I was processing more of his paperwork, I saw his name across the TV and reality punched me in the face. He was not just a file. He was a son, spouse, father and brother in arms to those he served with and gave his life with.

Then, my mom wakes up to the news of an attack on a compound and thinks its mine.. Poor mom.. I wanted to cry for her.. Her emails were frantic (atleast email/phones were up today) and I was able to call and let her know - I was okay.. our compound was okay.

Tonight as I lay on my bed browsing, I find a profile of someone I once loved, and shared many great years and memories together. It tugged at my heart at the great times we had, which are all buried under that last year of troubles, change and drama. I feel bad for the pain that I caused and just the loss of a friend I once had. We both made some mistakes, but that shouldn't shadow and replace the good times, great memories and amazing accomplishments me made together. Maybe one day, we will be friends again.. I saw some pictures of some of my old pets Ella, Rizzo, Squeaker - and it hurt. Reality.

Some times I wonder if the pain of a relationship ending, is worth the good times in between? I guess I'm not a big believer in Forever anymore.. been down that road.. had those dreams, tried it.. been there.. got the bumper sticker.. but "forever" rejected me at his door.. and sent me back to "temporary" or "for a little while" or worse yet "almost forever, but not quite" "plans for forever... but plans change" and then "Let's get your hopes up... and then knock you down when you least expect it" yes.. been there done that.. all of that.. and its old, and it hurts..

I'm feelin a bit cynical tonight. A little sad for the many men we've lost and the many men we have lost in the last couple days in Small Arms Fires, RPG attacks, IED's and CONVOY attacks. I'm feeling a bit lonely - as I watch my friend's lives go on.. and I'm stuck in groundhog day.. and I'm feeling a bit of regret at the mistakes I have made that hurt people, which in turn, end up filling me with hurt.

Tonight.. is not a good night.

I'm not sure I am liking days off.. I think its easier to just work, it keeps my mind occupied and makes my day go by much quicker with less time for idle thought. I will remember that for my next day off..

Friday, 02 July 2010

TGIF?? I dunno.. hmm.. Today is my day off.. and what did I do? Woke up at normal time.. skipped the elliptical this morning... saving it for this afternoon after P90X workout..showered and went to work..
Theres really nothing much to do here. My roommates dont have to go to work til noon on Fridays so they are sleeping all morning.. so I went to work.. waited for brunch.. ate something and am back here in my rack.. settling for a nap til 2.. then I will go do my P90X, and run.. and then after that.. I have no clue!

I got Dan's package yesterday.. thank you. Now I have the phone that I plug in to the internet.. once I get my ethernet splitter.. lol (I ordered it last night on Amazon..).

It is actually kinda boring here on a day off...it wouldnt be so bad, but you can't walk around in PT gear here.. even on your day off.. unless you are PTing. (altho I see MANY MANY doing it.. we are not supposed to.. and its too hot to hang out outside.. in uniform at the benches all day - so here I am.

SO some of my random thoughts:
Since when are pony tails allowed in uniform.. regardless of service?
Why is there always that 1 person that just drives you crazy in your office..
and why is it always that 1 person is the senior person who is supposed to know what the hell is goin on.. and never really does.

Last night there was another shooting at our gate.. no injuries.. but definitely not pleasant to know. Hopefully it will be a quite weekend, but doesn't look like it. We have been having major internet issues here. so it causes major headaches for us.. since everything we do- and submit revolves around internet and email..

Gave my mom a scare.. didn't mean to.. but her and I chat every day.. twice a day.. once in the morning her time via email (before she goes to work) and then I call in the evening. Yesterday becuase email sucked..I never got her emails.. and she didnt get mine..
she started to worry when i wasnt responding to her... fortunately facebook was up for 5 minutes and I was able to see she had posted "Has anyone talked to tanya today" - come to find out it was my dad that posted it.. for her.. since she had to leave for work.. but.. immediately tried to respond and of course we lost connectivity.. then i try to call.. phones messed up.. frantic.. i was finally able to call and let them know i was okay.. it was just our email/internet.. lol
she figured that.. but.. for a mom with a child in a war zone.. knowing there have been incidents almost everyday here at our base.. she let her mind run away with her.. Fortunately I was able to let them know I was okay.. and give them an emergency number to call me on.. should they ever get panicked or worried.. :)

Not much else excitement.. my roomies leave monday.. so i will spend mon night and tues rearranging the room and taking a new bed (single) instead of this top bunk! should be fun times.. woohoo..

Alright - that about catches me up for now..
gonna take a nap and enjoy the down time.. for now.. :)
More later