PTSD and all that baggage
Learning to deal with reality and
Let it Go
The Child Inside
The Child inside has died in me, in my mother's bed, she hid, you see
That's where it started, that's when she left
scared of the monsters and all the effects
Scarred from the actions of my mom and dad
she ran away, she thought she was bad
It hurts her inside, emotionally
hiding from the pain, she ran from me
Alone in a corner - dark, small and bleak
she hides in the blackness, so no one will see
how could they have done it, done that to me
I cried for the child who lived in me
she is no more a happy soul
alone with her thoughts
she feels the hole
you'd never know it, looking at me
I've been known to be strong, wild and free
survivor of many, barely a tear
The child inside is screaming out for release
to tell all the world what has happened to me
They already know, they've heard it in depth
what does it matter, its my soul he's theft
Who am i to share the burden of blame
its hurts so bad inside, to see her in shame
crying and hurting scared of the light
when is it safe.. we hurt day and night
I feel the child inside is coming alive
day after day I feel her pain arrive
crying alone, crying in shame
why couldn’t I have protected her,
instead she took the blame
As she cried on her belly, he held down her arms
alone in the darkness she proceed to fall
roughly he entered, angry and mad
why does it hurt, Please GOD it hurts soo bad
No one to trust, and no one to call
again he proceeded touching everywhere
shouting out orders, "not here, right there"
Disgusted in silence, disgusted with fear
there were no more boundaries, just her shed tears
Afraid of the dark, yet the light was much worse
for the meant he was coming, I knew I was cursed
With the flip of the switch, and the turn of the knob
in walks the monster, in my heart i did sob
In walked the monster, of light and of day
the shadow of darkness having his way
He was my monster, her scary demon in the night
the worse of all evils, i felt my body tense up, get tight
I had no wishes, no dreams of a child
that was all lost, at age four in the night
He lurked in the shadows, every corner of my room
waiting for my sleep, then like a bird, he would swoon
Now i understand, why I never slept well
for he was the beginning of my life long hell
For the flick of the switch, the turn of the light
it all continued, from morning to night
In he beginning he was brave, wide awake yes I was
although touching and feeling wasn’t enough
day after day, he grew more brave
thinking his secret would go to his grave
I wouldn’t dare tell, our little big secret, he told me it was love
"this is how a daddy loves, like this, with my touch"
how could I believe it, how come i didn’t know
For just cause he said it, didn’t make it so
who was i to ask, he was my dad
I didn’t know what he was doing, was really that bad
Telling stories one day, six years from the start
my brother and sister, listen with broken hearts
I still hadn’t realized what I said was wrong
for it was my life, it'd happened for so long
low and behold, one day they did show
the people in uniform, to ask so they'd know
some poking, some prodding, it happened again
embarrassed, ashamed, I told of my pain
"My daddy", I said, "he did this to me,
touched me here, and there, like this, you see."
Removed from my home, while visiting my father
the one trying to protect me, I didn’t know him at all
They asked me more questions, then released me to him
the father i never knew, how dare them
How could they take my mommy from me,
she didn’t know, she would've protected me?
I believed that inside, and missed her so much
a part of me died without "Mommy's Touch"
With some tests they did take, unknowingly to me
they passed a lie detector, after smoking some weed
Just a year later, my brother and I
returned to our home, to the life we had known
She was still with him, the monster of night
what did i care, she'd protect me now, right?
Again my father hurt, with the decision we made
to go back to her, with my step dad still there
how could we do it, how did we dare
devastating choice, yet we knew then no better
it started, again, just a year later
waking at night, to the flip of the switch
his touches would sicken me, that son of a *itch
I faked my sleep as he fondled and gazed
touching all over i was amazed
hurting inside, i finally told my mother
thirteen years old, didn’t she know better
alas came the letter, my brother would write
an essay in school, a plea, a desperate fight
another battle begins, as i get pulled from school
to learn once again, and feel like a fool
In detail I described my demon of the night
revealing the truth, about our hall light
For the switch of the light was the beginning to me
a forever lasting moment, 5 minutes, or three?
it all felt the same, lying in my bed
"I faked being asleep," I shyly said
Again we were taken, out of our home
Wasn’t that enough for him to leave us alone
another useless battle from beginning to end
no action taken, except for probation for me and him
My brother and I, on probation so young
like we were the perps, wasn't that wrong?
Two weeks later arriving back to our house
this was it, no more chances, no safe place to call home
Just two months later, my brother left a note
proclaiming his love, his dreams, and his hopes
he had no more strength, to protect me from him
he needed much more, protection from them
those words that he wrote, were the last words he said
that was it, like that, he was dead
the tragedy of his death, his suicide hit home
how would i make it, alone on my own?
I was fourteen years old, when my brother died
years of abuse, all the tears we had cried
now he was gone, i was lost with no hope
overlooking the pain, trying to cope
From four to fourteen, ten years of my hell
I finally, again decided, it was time to tell
NEXT TIME she said, how could I believe,
how can she say that, after what he done to me
how could she do it, my mother, my friend
she was supposed to protect me, no tiring end
Nothing would happen, not yet anyway
for he was aware, of our conversation that day
I think he was scared, but who really cares
i was the one he hurt all those years
I was fifteen the last time I felt his touch
it was then i knew, enough was enough
money in my pocket, their birthday gift to me
sweet sixteen brought new life, I ran away, you see
I ran away from the pain, the bitter control
hoping my life would take a new toll
I know longer wanted to be afraid of the night
afraid of the dark, or afraid of the light
he couldn't hurt me anymore, so I said in my mind
I was running away to leave it all behind
I tried once again, to put THEM away
this time my mom too, she chose her way
Him over me, she made that choice
No if both convicted, I would rejoice
Since I was older, only me left to tell
no other witnesses of my living hell
Again this last try he called from afar
from California to Vegas he called from his car
My attorney, that is, to share the bad news
no luck on that end, no trial, no court
no one could help me, nothing they could do
another war lost, another laugh at you
they got away with murder, my child within
she didn’t have a voice, it didn’t even matter
her words, her screams, were all but a scatter
So inside it all went, the feelings I felt
no longer an option with what I had dealt
It would be years later, till I spoke with my mother
a marriage, a child, no grandma to bother
how could i have missed her after all that?
what allowed me to forgive, I don’t know the answer
except she would always be mommy to me
with or without him, I needed my mom
so i moved on, got over it, went numb
I lived with the pain, hidden inside
knowing my childhood had long ago died
Two failed marriages later, my ex was obsessed
again I was raped, he said it was his way, of showing me love
where had i heard that before, I cried deep inside
How could this be happening to me yet again
how could i let it, how would it end
History repeating, always with me
I took it in front of a full room grand jury
Since we were still married, divorce only pending
there wasn’t enough proof, i didn’t ask for that ending
and bite mark and bruises, appearing days later,
was not enough for them to vote in my favor
due to lack of evidence I fought him off
the jury denied trial, it was over, that’s all
RAPED by the system, time and time before
what could I do, "I was the whore"
Deep inside my subconscious, hidden within
my child, dying, again and again
So now here I am, my memories coming back
facing the fears and my emotional past
learning how to feel, for I never truly have
I learned long ago, to hide it, it was bad
So now I see the little girl, hiding deep inside
I tell her, "it's okay, I'm finally alive"
How could I let her get hurt soo bad
leave her in darkness alone and so sad
Im not sure if I should rejoice for finding her
or cry out in pain, for I knew she hurt
I hurt for her now too, I feel like crying alot
some days im so drained I dont want to talk
Im sitting outside, under my tree
discovering the child inside living in me
(2002)
